Mmmm...had a long discussion with H last night. He started it. I was civil and composed throughout (with a bit of tears in the beginning) our conversation/discussion. Somehow, he knows what is right and wrong, and yet he is leaning towards leaving us for the OW. Told him that it may be easy for him to throw away 18 years, but it would be rather difficult for me. Told him I will never ever kick him out. Leaving would be totally his own choice. Most of his friends know of our situation, but all are neutral. His lawyer told him that he will not be his lawyer for any D, though he could recommend. Somehow, H thinks all will be alright after he leaves. He doesn't like me to mention that the boys will be in a SINGLE PARENT FAMILY and I will be a SINGLE MOTHER. I told him that I am just stating the facts.

Discussed about him breaking the news to his mom, my parents blah blah..I briefly mentioned about the OW as his "little special friend", and he asked why I couldn't use her name. Told him that I was rather civil to call her OW or "little special friend" cause there are a thousand of deragatory names that I could use such as b*t@h, sl*t, t*rt etc etc. He thought about it and laughed....

I was being philosophical...I told him nobody NEEDS anybody..it's a matter of wants. She doesn't need you, but she wants you. You don't need her but you want her. I don't need you but I want you...The only NEED here are the boys. The boys NEED their father. MMmmm wonder if that went into his thick skull. I was very calm mind you...

I told him that he and his little special friend could be in their little special world...and he said why should it be little? Well, his sisters said that he will probably lose his sisters if he chooses the other way (oh..by the way, my SILs actually apologized to me after finding the truth!), his friends' wives would not want to have anything to do with the OW. Said all this in a very very calm voice. Honest! Cross my heart.

Anyway, ...I think I am using this as some kind of a journal. Read somewhere that it would be good to collect my thoughts....