Am feeling more composed today. And I think am more rational. I was quite a wreck yesterday. Sobbing my eyes out at work, and was rambling on and on that I wanted to kick him out. Last nite was nice. H came back early from work (which is 9.30 pm…. He has been working till past 11.00 pm for the last few weeks)..we talked about his work, his soccer team, the kids’ antics of the day, friends etc…Was really like old times …*sigh* wished there was never ever an OW.
I have not read any of the DB’ing books but have ordered “Divorce Remedy" and have just received a notice that delivery would be within this week.
Found out H was having an A about a month ago. She lives in another state and he sees her about once a month. He says that he is "in love" with her and do not love me as much as before, though he still cares for me. I have 2 boys (7 ½ and 5). I have suspected something was amiss for about 5 months now. All sorts of funny and crazy thoughts kept rushing through my mind. I thought I was going crazy and even contemplated of seeing a shrink. I started to snoop, and could not find anything. He was careful, yet very suspicious. Then about a month back, I found proof. He denied it at first. I have to say that I felt both devastated and relieved that I was not CRAZY!!
H works for a very competitive firm, which he just started work with about 1 ½ years ago. I guessed I didn’t see the work pressures affecting him, and perhaps I was always nagging and nagging whenever he comes back home, and that pushed him towards the OW? He is still saying he is very very busy at work, and have no time to think about us, our M, the kids or the OW. He says he needs about 2 months (from THE DAY) to decide what he wants to do with our M. Sometimes, am so angry that I want him to choose now either the family or OW, but he says that he will not be pressured to choose now.
Meanwhile, he expects everything at home to be the same, including sex. When I try to detach, he would say "are you in one of your funny moods again?", so, I am expected to be “normal”. I have to say that R talk really makes things worse. When I first found out about the OW, he said he is totally committed to the M and will leave the OW, then after about a week, we had a R talk, and the situation got worse. The more we talk, the more I find that he cannot leave the OW, and his commitment to the M diminishes… I have resolved to not talk about our R anymore, even if he tries to probe. The most recent thing thing that I said to him was that if he feels that he would be really happy and be a better person with the OW, then he can go, I won't stop him. Not that I can anyway.
He says he loves the kids, which really makes me feel sick..I am thinking "why can't he give the OW up for the love of the kids?" How does a 6 -7 month relationship compare with our 18 years together and our 2 boys?? He thinks that all will remain the same with the kids, his family, friends even if he decides to leave the family. No. He has not decided yet...We are still about a month from his self-imposed deadline. He says either way, he will make a decision as otherwise, it wouldn't be fair for both I and the OW. Feel like slapping him but have not! Don't want him to think that he has the right to leave now since I have taken out on him.
Meanwhile…..I am trying to control my feelings…and be calm.
p/s My irrational behaviour yesterday was not known to him….
