So he said on Saturday that he decided he needs to move on. I know this isn't DB, but I then asked him to do it within the next two weeks - he is killing me (with the "hope, not the despair"). Thought I'd be relieved to know a direction but of course I'm not.
Here's where I need help - how do I deal with the moving out? It will take him forever - there's probably no way he can do it within two weeks - has rooms and rooms of books (he's an academic of sorts). I think he was hoping that he could just stay here until the fall when he could move into university housing, because it doesn't seem like he's made any arrangements at all, even knowing that he was going to tell me he decided to leave this past weekend. He seems adamant that he's not moving in with OW and her kids - but I shouldn't care anyway, right? I'm trying not to focus on that.
I'm dreading the first moment I walk in the door and see the boxes. And, no, I have no money to temporarily move somewhere myself, no local friends I can stay with, no options for going on vacation during this time - in fact, I have some major deadlines coming up at work, along with a performance review and I'm barely scraping by on my job as it is - and now I really need it, of course. Blessedly (in some ways, I suppose), we don't have kids (just a very confused and hurting dog) so at least don't have to deal with anyone but me going through this experience.
How do I prepare myself? What can I do to get through it? And do I tell people at work? I'm coming off yet another bad review from last year, when my mother got ill and died and I've never caught up from losing almost six months of productivity then...
God I hoped I wouldn't end up on this part of the board (join the crowd, huh?). But now I'm here I have so many questions and need so much support - please forgive me in advance for my neediness (this is SO hard for me - I am NOT a needy person!). Anyway - thank you...
I read your sitch and oh my god.... I couldnt believe how much my sitch matched yours. Part of my sitch is written under "Divorcing your bestfriend". I wish I had words for you that would help you get through what is or is about to happen. You don't know how much I can relate to you taking drives to be able to release those tears.... oh how I did it And during my husband's culmination, I wasn't there because it was the OW's culmination as well. They meet during school. Although I was the one there supporting his education all those years... when the time to celebrate came.. I was not asked to attend. You stated a few options that I think would be great to get away from seeing your husband move but I'm sorry they are just not doable for you. I guess my advice would be to work late and maybe go to a bookstore or coffee shop and do some reading. That's what I did in several occasions just to avoid having to see him. I have now filed for divorce but of course divorce doesn't take away the love but it did give me a feeling of him not being able to humiliate me anymore. Sometimes I wish I would have just let my husband go completely a couple of years ago when we first separated but I guess you really can't do it until you are ready. I'm sure you love your husband as I do but we can only do so much and then we have to let go and let him come back on his own. I still DB with him as difficult as it may be. He is the one that had the affair but we both made mistakes in our marriage. But one thing for sure is that I know what I want now.. after all this time of torment and false hope... I am happy with myself. As long as you keep him close.... you will have false hope. It seems like your husband still loves you as I know my husband does too but I think THEY need to figure out what they want. One update on my sitch.. well more like my H's sitch... the OW found out about my H's new woman and she freaked on him. So now he is looking for a place to stay urgently and having to change his phone numbers. And the "new woman" left him because of all the problems the OW caused. Now he is alone. And yes, coming to me in a time of need... but guess what.. I'm NOW finally strong enough to resist his presence because I know as soon as he finds a new toy.. he will be gone again. And I'm the one left hurt. I don't know what the next couple of months will bring but I'm sure they will be interesting until he finds a new woman. He can't stand being alone. Sorry for not being able to offer better words of comfort... but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and with time you do survive. I've had to let go but I believe if he truly loves me he will come back a changed man and I won't take anything less. Right now... you must live YOUR life. After almost losing my job from all the stress and drama in my life... I've managed to get a promotion and lost about 30 pounds in the last year. Look at yourself... see the beauty in YOU... and know that if it doesn't work out. You did what you could and you will find someone you deserve. At least that's the point I'm at now. It hurts to lose my H and I think it will for a long time but you have to find a way to slowing climb out of the hole he dug you into.
Truth me told, you cannot prepare for him moving out. As I watched, then WAW pack and prepare to move out (Mar 04), it was surreal and very real at the same time. Your mind and heart are screaming, internally, what can I do?! How did it come to this? Why are they doing this? It truely was one of the worst moments of my life.
And here, a year later, here I am. Somehow I survived. Each slow, agonizing day, wondering when it would get better; if I would ever get better?
I would say do not dwell on it, but the boxes and stuff are a daily reminder. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it seems an ideal opportunity for you to direct all your energy into work.
Try not to look to far ahead; I realize it is cliche', but focus on one day.
I can't tell you how much your replies have meant to me. I can't believe that it's taken me so long to get back to you but I've been pulling all-nighters at work to try and get this proposal out - still working but wanted to check in with you. H is still around - staying away from the house as much as possible but still sleeping here for the most part but no packing whatsoever - ??? He has been so solicitous over the past few days as this work stuff has gotten crazy...I think he's trying to show me how much of a good friend and "buddy" he could be...and I still just want my husband and can't deal with having an ole pal around instead - that's not very DB, is it? Maybe it is best that he's waiting to start moving, because instead of the one-quarter speed I've been working at I might have been catatonic and really not been able to do anything on this proposal...I don't know - I am so confused - but at least with this project I haven't been able to cry my guts out much lately....thank you so much for your support -
So....it's been 2 weeks and nothing's packed and he's still sleeping here and taking the dog out (except for one night he didn't sleep here after we exchanged emails and he said he could see clearly now that he couldn't help me through this, that it was hurting me to be around him). He doesn't come here much and when he does I usually leave; we don't talk and he hasn't said a word about moving. He just called to "check on me and see how I was doing." I'm having a very hard time being more than civil to him - I can't bear to ask him anything or discuss anything or share anything with him. I DON'T want to see him, I don't want to know what he's doing, it does hurt to talk to him and I don't know how to be comfortable around him or talking to him. When he called just now he asked if I knew about a mutual friend's graduation party tonight - I have NO interest in being around all the people whose lives I'm not going to be part of at all anymore - they're all his friends anyway - does he REALLY expect me to go be around all of them??? What I really wanted to say to him was, "The video store called about an overdue movie - get your own damn video rental card if you're going to be renting movies for OW and her kids, dammit, because it sure wasn't anything I'd rented!!!"
I was dreading the boxes and now I'm pissed. When I asked him 2 weeks ago if he was moving in with OW he said no, that's her house with her kids. Guess it would be too awkward for him. And student housing for the fall won't open up for a few weeks. I'm just pissed right now - fine, stay here for free until it's more convenient for you to move, use my home as a place to crash and base from which carry on with OW because God forbid things get to awkward for YOU!!!! I feel stupid and used and humiliated and mad at myself for not being able to be DB about this - which would be to just be happy he's still living here, be pleasant and bubbly around him, talk to him passionately about what's going on in my life (would be a 180 for me since I'm normally quiet and that was one of his main complaints), and just wait it out. I don't know - the DR book says that if your partner has said in no uncertain terms that he's leaving, try going dark. He's said that, he's just not DOING that - and I think it really is because it's just inconvenient for him right now. I feel like I shouldn't let him take advantage of me like this. HELP? What should I be doing, saying???
I know that you are in a difficult position, but you must be strong. Work on what you have learned from the DB books.
Work on GAL, some 180's and vent your frustration on this site rather than at him. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. I think that GAL would rattle his cage a little, if it doesn't work you will be happier anyways.
DBing is a long war not a quick fix, so hang on through each of the battles.
