Oh the drama! Get a call yesterday from FF and her BF. He is threatening that if I ever communicate with FF again he will tell my W that we actually met. He is swearing at me and then FF jumps in too. I couldn't believe it. I thought she was my friend and when the going got tough she bails. I had taken her crying phone calls many times. I had counseled and supported her and now that her BF knew we were communicating again she stabs me in the back. FYI, she had promised him many times that she would never speak to me again so she was covering her own tail. Unbelieveable! So now he has her "trapped" in his substance abuse world. If either of us opens communication again he will tell my W. That is a sad sitch too.
I get home and my W is quite jovial because she saw her A. She said she felt motivated and invigorated. Find out about an hour later that she spent $5000 on the retainer. I couldn't believe it. Both sides of the D shouldn't cost that. Thats what she does, spends way too much money. I am trying to pay bills today and find out that she transferred another $5000 out of our account in the last 4 days. This was very upsetting to say the least seeing that there are family bills to pay. We talked about the sitch and she was going to get back to me. She called back and said she left a message for her A to void the check and that she wouldn't be needing her services. What the ??? Does this make any sense to anybody?
My W actually went to bed without tucking in the boys. When I went to bed she was crying so I brought her some tissue and she said I shouldn't be nice to her. We watched TV for a little bit and then she went into the bathroom. After about 15 minutes I went to check on her and found her laying on the floor. I thought she may have taken pills or something. I shook her and said her name. She was okay but had severe stomach pains. She again asked me to quit being nice to her. I am so concerned for her wellbeing that I won't push a D at all right now. I am sick, she isn't well, what would be accomplished. The more I think about it the harder it seems to go through with it. I guess that is how it is supposed to be. I waved goodbye to my boys this a.m. and my eyes filled up with tears. I just can't do it to them. I have never been more torn in all my life as I am today. Yesterday, she hired a shark A and left me with no money for bills or my A retainer. At dinner time she was on top of the world and two hours later she is a wreck. Sunday we are trying to put it back together and Monday she wants one of us to leave the house. This like "Desperate Housewives". Tbone
Man t-bone, what drama indeed. You need to take a deep breath and step back for a while...and please, this is why you don't get even a little involved with FF's right now. There is way too much emotional stuff going on here and obviously everyone's emotions are running sky high. You need to sit and have a real heart to heart with W...she is all over the place and probably needs help from a counselor or antidepressents for the time being (maybe she is already on them, I don't know). Everyone needs to calm down and take one day at a time here, take time to get over the FF and her BF calling and talk to W about this sitch.
akron, sometimes, after enough drama has happened, it all boils down to making a choice, whether we LBS want back or not. Most LBS will return to the WAS. Problem is that it usually happens too soon, or the WAS still doesn't know what they want...cake eaters go back and forth thinking that they still have a good hold on the LBS and they are usually right. Hey, me included...I'm not saying anything that I haven't done myself, but the truth is the truth. If a LBS can step back long enough without getting sucked back into the drama, then there is a chance of it working out. But as someone on here said before, reconcillation is not the end of the sitch...sometimes it is just the beginning. The end is a loving, mutually respectful R that both parties put full effort into. My ex-bf went back to his ex-w (they were divorced) and the exact thing happened that they had split up twice before. Now he is seriously depressed, worse than before, for falling for it again. So sincerety, remorse, and lots of time and effort are the key here...and it still sometimes doesn't work out. Taking a back seat helps us all get our own selves together and learn to move on, with or without the WAS. I say let them play out their drama on their own, that is the only way you can make it with your head screwed on straight. It is a long, tough road either way.
I'm saying - TBone can't expect things to work out with his W if he has not made that Choice. He needs to a take a step back and figure out what that choice is. Tbone is upset that his FF, that he put all that time into, stabbed him in the back. No crap!!! your married.... BF of FF probably is telling FF same thing. He is M.
All your doing is hurting FF,W,BF and most of all your self. If you're W cheats on you and D you. That is her problem. You won't be the cheater. You do need to think about what you want. Take some time to think. I know I sound tough, I have been thru it and still am going thru it. I'm at the point that I will not take my WAS back until I have made my changes and she has made her changes.
The key here is I need to make life long changes.
I absolutely agree with you...and that was sort of my point also. With anyone with any self esteem and respect, there does come a time when a choice has to be made to save themselves. T-bone might not be there yet, but in time, he will be. I also say step back and get your thoughts together...in time, your W will either come to know what she wants or stay confused. My ex-bf got me involved before he was emotionally ready to move on and many people were hurt in the process. So the best thing is to go through this process without anyone emotionally getting involved.
I hear what you are both saying. Yes, I am taking one day at a time. There is no rush for me to do anything. I have forced things all my life but that has to stop. My W and I are both confused and hurt right now. Our lives are extremely complicated and over a late breakfast today we discussed taking a couple days away to focus on us. We both need a vacation and a few days to ourselves might help a lot. We haven't been away by ourselves in over a year and that was just overnight. We go to dinner a lot but thats only a couple hours. Anyway, is this a good idea or pure lunacy?
Regarding FF and BF. All I confirmed yesterday is they are both crazy and deserve each other. I should have never tried to "save" her from her chosen nightmare. Yeah, no [censored] I am M! I said I made a mistake! Guess what though when I detached and my W thought I was ready to move on she finally started making changes of her own and said ILY again. What's the quote? "Desperate times require desperate measures". Maybe not "desperate" but certainly "drastic" worked here. Shock value is worth something and maybe me doing something out of character made her realize how far I had been pushed. Time will tell us the final answer.
I want a "partner" who is loving, communicative, caring, honest, etc. That is what I WANT. If my W proves herself capable of all that, great! If that isn't possible for her, I will find someone who is. I do not feel pressured to make my M work. That would be my first choice as she is my W and M of our children. However, I am not afraid to start over with someone else.
Yes, this much effort into my marriage could be for naught. However, I have to look three little boys in the face and know in my heart that I did all I could do to make their childhood a good one. For today, I feel that means more energy being put into our family of five. I don't think I am sacrificing my self-esteem and self-respect in this process but I am sure some will disagree.
Don't worry my other FF and I are not emotionally involved and I have certainly learned my lesson on that. She is a true sweetheart and some guy will be very lucky to win her heart some day.
I just had to update on my crazy sitch. Well, things have stabilized and made a turn for the better. I was quite sick last week and my W took care of me very well. She pampered me and frankly spoiled me rotten. We had great R talks and gave lots of ILY. It seems it took mega-drama to bring us to our senses(car crash and FF confrontation). She has shown great remorse for her selfishness and actually said that she was sorry she pushed me away. Never in my lifetime did I think I would hear that. She asked me this weekend if I ever stopped loving her and I said yes. I had because it just hurt too much to continue. She even apologized for causing that! It seems as though I should have fought fire with fire years ago. She has been kind, flattering, compassionate, apologetic, and loving. I can only hope it continues like this. We took our 3S and 4 more boys to the YMCA, McDonalds, a movie, and the arcade Friday night. It was a lot of fun believe it or not and all 7 boys behaved very well. We had a very nice dinner at the club Saturday with good friends and had a great time. Very relaxed, very comfortable.
I don't know where this all leads. I hope the momentum continues and we can make progress individually and together. This all still feels very strange to me. I am enjoying the good times but definitely not taking them for granted. I certainly don't miss the drama but I do think of my FF. It is hard not to wonder how she is doing. Her BF has her "trapped" and she said certain things to me only because he was there(found that out later). There is nothing I can or should do but everyone deserves to be treated better than she gets treated. Oh well, her choice to take it.
Heading home a little early today. My puppies got very sick and have been at the vet for 2 days. They are fine now and I need to pick them up. I will keep everyone posted. TBONE
One thing I’ve noticed; and JJ has pointed it out to me, is that it is often the case that things go better once a person is ready to walk himself. Looks to me like this has happened to you.
Another thing that also seems very common is that you have to hit rock bottom before you can move up. Tbone again.
It has been my experience that when you think you’ve bottomed out, your sit can sink to even lower levels. I’ve also noticed that, in a lot of cases, when things start going better, something drags it all down again. You’ve been through this too, haven’t you?
I’m so glad things are going better for you, and I hope this is the final “bottoming out” that will lead you and your W onwards and upwards.
But if things take a turn for the worse again, I want you to think back on this time. The true potential of your M is showing through now. You and your W can do it.
Life isn’t about making things easy. Your M hasn’t been easy. But though you can’t make life easy, life can make things easy or hard for you.
I hope with all my heart that life will continue to make things easier and easier for you.
I have "given up" on her three times in the last several months and each time she has come sprinting back. It is almost eerie. Her discovery of my "friend" seems to have hit the hardest. I think she thought she would always be the WAS and I would be the LBS. Truth be told, I was inches from being the WAS.
The other issue is the bottoming out of the R. I really hope it is bottomed because I can't take much more right now. Both of us have made a commitment to working very hard. We had a tough financial discussion last night. It wasn't great but it went better than in the past. She hates hearing about her over spending as much as I hate saying it. Well then stop it!!!! Right? Time will tell.
I am looking for easy, boring, routine, stabile, quiet, peaceful, etc. A little less drama will help us both to heal. I too see our potential as good but it will take constant improvement on both sides. TBONE
What the ??? Does this make any sense to anybody? 