We discussed alimony, child support, W moving back out, etc. We came to the conclusion that we just don't work well together. What started the conversation was my discovery of yet another EA/PA. I am tired of feeling anxious about where she is, what she is doing, and why did she really move back. I finally accepted my fate and made plans to move on. She got home late last night and asked me what was wrong. I was half asleep and said nothing. She pushed and pushed so finally I said we fight all the time and are getting a D why would I not be a little sad. I reminded her of the countless comments she has made about our incompatibility and her unwillingness to make the changes I need from her. She confirmed that she won't change who she is. This from a woman with honesty, spending, and huge self-esteem problems. I simply reminded her of what I needed from her and her unwillingness to provide it. She then went to her trump card(our sex life) and reminded me how well that still works. This from a woman who said our R can't be based on sex alone.
I guess what I am trying to say is when she finally pushes me away hard enough that I truly wanted a D she changes her mind. She expects me to just cave in to her whims but I won't do it. She can't even tell me she will make the changes much less do them and I am supposed be glad she wants me. Sorry, but I have out grown that. I want a great R or forget about it. Am I being unreasonable or is this just another case of how DBing and GAL draws them back? The problem is I don't want her back anymore. At least not as she is. She has major changes to make before I will consider it. I just can't put my heart out there again. My M is effecting my work and my children so I am afraid to stay in it.
This probably sounds like a dream sitch to many but it is far from that. Yes, I have the power back but I don't really want it. Everytime I accept my fate she 180's. All this feels like is a different roller coaster. Any wise words for one confused puppy? Thanks, TBONE
t-bone, I remember your posts from way back, and sorry that you are going through this again. I guess it all depends on how much you can put back into repairing the M without losing yourself. I understand the trust issue and your not wanting to "snoop" again...but when the signs are there, what else can you do, especially if it is important that you know the truth and how much to believe her. My ex-bf went back to his ex-w for 2.5 years and also said he would not snoop, and he didn't...until one night he could not find her and he looked up cell phone records. It was all there in black and white. She wanted to reconcile, he fought it because of years and years of problems, but he went back anyway. They split up again the minute he found out she was out with other men on business trips. So only you can decide how much to live with. I believe if they are not sincere and keep doing the same things over and over again, you really need to examine what you want for your future. I believe in DBing, but at some point GAL and the back and forth stuff just gets old. I don't know if some ever get to the point of appreciating what they and knowing what they want. Ex-bf betrayed me also, and he has re-entered my life, but I don't trust him either. The trust issue is a killer in any R IMO. I think your W needs serious counseling, because she is throwing away something she may never get back if she continues to do the same thing over and over again. Good luck.
I want to trust her but she keeps repeating the same patterns and I have run out of tolerence and understanding. She got home late again last night but I don't care where she was or who she was with. I am that detached. I had several friends stage an intervention last week to help me get my life turned around. Not addiction problems, just my M screwing up my career. It hurt my friends to do it but it has changed the focus from my W to the rest of my life which is very full indeed. It's not that I have shut my W out of my life but she has a long way to go to prove herself. I am not rushing anything nor am I waiting for her. IF she gets herself straightened out she knows where to find me. Maybe I am taking GAL too far. All I know is I feel better now than when I was so obsessed with fixing my M.
I can so relate to your sitch. I DBed for five months (H and I still lived together but were sleeping in different rooms and barely speaking). Out of the blue he wanted to reconcile. Little did I know he had slept with another woman and wanted to reconcile because he felt guilty.
Not guilty enough though. We reconciled and I thought we were working on our marriage. His idea of working on the marriage was to cheat on me (blowjob in a parking lot) again and to carry on with this woman on the phone for months. He stopped talking to the OW when she started pressuring him for a relationship (she didn't know he was married).
I found out about the first OW last July. He begged me not to file for divorce. Said it was a huge mistake and he would never do it again (little did I know he had already done it again). Yet he continued to talk to OW2 for months after I found out about OW1.
I filed for D when OW2 showed up at my house looking for him and he confessed to cheating with her as well. He begged and pleaded with me not to file for a D but I can't live with all of the lies and having no trust. The mere fact that I had to number the OWs told me a lot.
My heart goes out to you. Its hard to make that decision even when you know its the best thing to do.
I definitely don't want a D but the M is hurting me a lot lately. Some clients have become aware of my W's activities and are wondering what is wrong with me for putting up with it. Not good for business. Not at all.
I also have two FF friends that have helped me through the last 4 months. We have actually supported each other through a lot lately. Those bonds have become close. After I found out about the last EA/PA I went and met one of the FF. We hit it off in person even better than email or phone. It was an incredible evening that I wouldn't ever give back. Was it right? No, but I don't even feel bad about it. These two FF friends have made me feel cared for, supported, appreciated, etc. My W hasn't done that in years. So I am no longer an innocent bystander in all this. My "friends" are both intelligent, successful, and good mothers. They are quality people that have been through what I am going through. What the future holds, I don't know. What I do know is that I will only accept a great R and I will find it.
My heart and my close friends are all telling me that she won't change. I really wish she would but I have been waiting a long, long time. If I had more strength I could wait longer but I am pretty worn out.
tbone, she might not change. You on the other hand can make choices that are right for you...whatever that might be. Be careful getting involved too soon, please. You really need to be in a much better emotional state, not to mention not married, to get involved. I'm not judging you at all...I got involved with a divorced man who was not ready and he went back after she begged him to reconcile post-divorce and he did. No, it didn't last, and yes, she went back doing the same things before and he is very depressed at this point that he fell for it again. He has lots and lots of healing to do now...and I am not getting involved with him until that happens, if ever. So be careful...but at this point, if anyone judges you about your decision to move on, then they don't know the hurt and devastation that you have been through. You have a life to live, you seem like a very good, dependable, responsible man and you deserve to be happy. I believe in second chances....but when they return to old, terrible, immoral habits over and over again, I cherish my life more than that. Only you can make that decision, and many people will support you on that. I've been hurt too, and I hope to God I don't hurt like that again. Same for you.
I have heard "be careful" from my whole support team and I appreciate hearing it from you as well. I understand that and respect it. The FF's I made know my sitch and all its history as I do their's. We all have a pretty good perspective on things and no one is in a hurry. They were the first women I met since I was M(almost 13 years) and I feel a very strong connection with both of them. We finish each others sentences, have huge amounts in common, and similar life philosophies. One of them I can definitely see a life with, she is a true gem. It has taken every bit of self restraint I have to not pursue R with one of these FF. All of us are at the end of a R. One has a D pending and the other called off her wedding to an alcoholic BF after we met. I feel no guilt for the latter. This BF is bad news and I feel like he would have caused her a lifetime of pain. Long story, just have to trust me on that one. We don't know that we could ever be a couple but she knows there is far better out there than what she was about to settle for. This is all very complicated but no one is in a hurry and we fully realize the major complexities. I am a young man (34) and know that I have my best years in front of me. I am just very afraid to gamble on my W. She got home later than normal last night too and I simply don't ask anymore. If I ask she either ignores me, skirts the question or lies so why bother. She went to bed with a stomach ache and I read part of "Family First" from Dr Phil. I found the evening to be pretty symbolic of our life. My sitch is really pulling at my heart. I love the ideal of a great family. You know, the "Cleavers":) I am enough like Ward but my W is no June and never wants to be. In fact, we recently joined the local country club(after my W approved) only for her to say last week that she doesn't want to be a "country club wife". What? This is the kind of craziness I get to deal with. I asked her opinion, she says do it, and then doesn't want what most would really enjoy. I am done playing that crazy game. I bring a lot to the table on many levels and she simply doesn't appreciate me, period. I constantly feel like I need to show my worth to my W where as others see it immediately all on their own. The boys and all I all golf so we will enjoy it. Oh yeah, I have a ton of friends there and both of my FF just started golfing as well:) Conincidence or fate? j.k.
The truly strange thing is how great these FF make me feel. When an e-mail or phone call comes in from them my heart actually picks up a beat. On the rare instance that I see them I feel like a teenager again. I do a lot of public speaking and they make me more nervous than a tough audience! I discount those feelings because its only been about 4 months of a casual R but I never thought I would feel that way. Never! What I am fighting big time right now is the urge to spend time with them. It is so hard because we would have a great time no matter what we did. Yeah, definitely playing with fire here. It would be easier if I didn't know these quality women were out there. The downside would be that if I didn't I might still be taking all the crap my W dishes out. Talk about a rock and a hard place. Please don't worry about Tbone, I feel good and know that my life will get better from here. I have been to the bottom and now I can see my future and it is bright.
Yes, my W has reversed course twice today. A very good discussion this morning went very bad very quickly. She emailed me some great articles on self-help and we were talking about changes. All of a sudden she is talking full custody and wanting the house! I don't know what I said, at all. It all seemed very positive, then Whammo! She asked me who was going to file and how soon we could have the paperwork filled out! That was followed by a voicemail less than an hour later saying I can have the house and I don't need to prove to her that she can't afford it. That made me relieved but sad. The tone in her voice was so broken. How can that hurt me after all she has put me through? I am such a softy it is pathetic. I so wish we could be better for each other but I refuse to accept things and she won't change them(all honesty related). Damn, this stalemate stinks. I guess this means I get kicked off the "Piecing" board. Wow, I can't many more days like this. The range of emotions is ridiculous. Take care all, Tbone
tbone, I spent years of my young life agonizing over a R with a man who did not treat me well. No abuse, but did not give one rat's a** about my feelings. I will not do that again, but everyone has their own threshhold of how far they will go to make a M or R work. I have endured more BS after ex-bf came back to me after he and his ex-w broke up again. And yes, I took it, but my limits are so much less than before. He is too screwed up from going back over and over again with the same cheating results from his ex. I am afraid it will take years for him to heal, and I cannot help him. I did it once with him 3 years ago and only he can help himself (which he is not very good at LOL). You are still young and if you see a bright future for yourself and your kids, go for it. I hate to see people come back to this board after their dream came true to reconcile and be happy again. The hurt is so much worse the second and third go round sometimes...but as I said, only the person in the M or R knows how much they are willing to invest in regaining trust, especially after infidelity. It can happen, but the WAS has to really want to make it work and show true remorse in the end. Just be sure you are emotionally ready to move and be very upfront to your FF about it. My ex was not and the hurt was unbearable later. Take care.
When she got home last night she tried to hug me. I didn't reciprocate and that irritated her and she said,"You are so done with me." She was mean and rude all day and then wants to hug? We talked briefly but intensely and then she cornered our S-10 about who should live in the house with them, mom or dad. We talked earlier in the day that those types of questions are too much for our boys but she did it anyway. I couldn't believe it! She never plays with them and I told her that earlier in the day. She asked him if that was true and S-10 said "Yes". She said,"What do I do then?" He said,"You're on the internet or checking your emails all the time". I didn't say a word and left the room. I can't believe she did that to him. That is just not right but she got what she deserved, the truth. We talked more at bed time. She is very confused and doesn't know why she does what she does. It was a good talk and ended in tears as usual lately. I told her don't stay with me because it is comfortable or safe, only stay because you love me, I won't settle for any less. We'll see where it goes. She is going to a baseball game today with "friends" so nothing really changes. A FF asked me last night,"You really don't care what she does any more do you". I said,"I can't, it would hurt too much and she isn't going to change anyway." My FF then invited me out again for Cinco de Mayo. I already have a functon to attend but I will see how the night goes. Am I emotionally ready? Good question. Am I ready for a fun night out? Absolutely! I will behave even though I really, really don't want to. Ever since I kicked GAL into high gear I get flirted with everywhere by everybody. Young girls, mature women, at the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. It is almost like W have radar when a M is available and vulnerable. Almost a little scary for me
Bottom line is that she is willing to change but unable. She wants to be happy but doesn't think that will be with me. I think that feeling is reciprocal.
