Cally, You gotta get hold of your anger. I'm telling you straight up, girlfriend, that NOTHING will change until you do this.
My H could probably tell you every unkind and emasculating word I ever said to him. I am slowly digging myself out of that pit but he hasn't forgotten.
I understand that the more he stonewalls, the more upset you get and you start saying outrageous things in order to provoke him into saying something, anything, but this tactic will bring you farther away from your goals. STOP saying hurtful things right now. Apologize to him and make a pledge that you will not do it again. And then don't.
As far as how to get him to talk, say it calmly and kindly: I am asking you a question and I will ask it every day until I get an answer.
Stay kind and keep your voice controlled. Make it a safe atmosphere in which he feels he can open up. If a couple weeks go by and he still won't open up, despite your repeated asking, then make an appt with a counselor. And GO. Make it clear that it is marital counseling but you will go by yourself, if need be. Help him to understand that this is a deal breaker for you, in a kind and gentle way.
Turn over a new leaf. You can still draw your line in the sand and maintain your boundaries in a loving way--it doesn't have to be with unkind words that linger and bounce around his brain.
Also, have you read Passionate Marriage? It is a good read and it gave me the tools that I needed in order to learn how to have this dialogue with my husband, in a way that reached him and reached him fast. Prior to that, my thoughts zinged around and there was no coherency and I was unable to convey the sense of urgency that I felt inside.
