I absolutely understand the anger & resentment...saying hurtful things when lashing out as you know is never right...but I know sometimes we do that when we're angry.
Try to keep something in mind when you are trying to talk to him.
#1 Do you best to keep you anger in check! #2 NEVER say hurtful things because you are angry #3 Don't go on and on and on, if he's not listening just say something like "ok, I can see you don't want to talk about this right now....but WE do need to talk about this, and I'm not going to give up until you talk to me." #4 When voices get raised people stop listening. If you find your voice is beginning to get a sharp tone to it, or you're getting louder....take a deep breath and control your anger. I know I shut someone out when they start yelling, patronizing, or talking down to me. Once that starts happening....I stop listening and tune them out. You're H probably does the exact same thing....which probably infuriates you....but would you want to listen if someone was yelling at you?
On the up-side, I'm really glad you're looking for signs of how he's trying to communicate with you...that's a really positive step for you
A suggestion for you....I know some people find writing letters good, others not....but if he's not listening to you...try whatever it takes. You might think about sitting down and writing a letter to him. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel (don't put things off on him, just tell him how it affects you...don't blame.) What things that he can do that would make you feel loved (besides just sex) and that you are fighting for your marriage....you love him and don't want to lose what you have. Stuff like that.
If nothing else the letter will help YOU, it will get things you are trying to communicate to him out of your system. Read the letter, make sure you don't have an accusatory or blaming tone to it...make sure it's a loving letter, edit it....make sure it has EVERYTHING you want to say in it. Then if you are so inclined give it to him....if you don't want to give it to him, put it away. If nothing else is accomplished YOU have gotten your thoughts straight in your head for when you try to talk to him again.
This is just an approach that works for me....BTW, I never gave my H the letter I wrote, but it sure did help me figure out what I needed.
I'll be happy to send you what I wrote as an example of what I'm talking about if it would help you....just let me know and I'll give you my e-mail address.
