My last post looks really arseholish and I feel the need to say that I wanted to stay married to him pretty badly, too. It wasn't one sided as it suggested, I was just demonstrating that he was willing to talk but he really had to feel that he was losing me in order to do it at the frequency with which I brought it up.
I hate to be cast in the role of naysayer, but I’m really beginning to believe that sometimes you simply can’t get them to talk. Take a look at my W won’t talk thread. The fact is, I’ve tried for years and I’ve never gotten her to talk. I can see changes that indicate to me that W has heard what I’ve said, but I’ve never gotten her to talk. Ever.
Honeypot...what you said didn't appear Arseholish to me LOL. What you effectively demonstrated was setting a boundary w/consequences you were willing to back up...that's all. It's no different than my telling my H it was counseling or we wouldn't be having another anniversary today.
Talking about the issues is an important part of working on things that you cannot avoid. You cannot fix these problems without talking about them....therefore IMHO there do need to be consequences if the other party shuts you out and won't talk.
In our case, we used to talk about it on and off over the years, but the conversations never went anywhere because I was angry and he was defensive. Once I stopped being angry, that is when we started getting somewhere. You've gotten some good suggestions already, i just wanted to add this.
WB, I believe I said something to the effect of: You will have to bring it up, time and again, in order for it to sink in. Meaning, you may have to say to your wife: I would like to talk about our sex life. If she won't talk, then you say 'I can see you don't want to respond right now, that's okay, I'll ask again tomorrow.' and you do that, repeatedly, until she opens up. And then the next week when you have something NEW to discuss, you do it again. It is ugly but completely necessary.
Your wife won't talk because she doesn't have to. Eventually you will give up, and she knows this.
ok, so much for the C I see. CeMar, I feel similarly in that I need "active" love. But at least I'm not letting my self go and working out my frustrations in a socially acceptable way. Also I'm creating a sence of independence from my H that MAY trigger a bit of jealousy and possibly a bit of urgency to have him react to me!
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I completely DITTO what Honeypot just said to you. You're going to have to wear your W down...it's going to take persistence man! That's what I've had to do too.
Oh you're so right with consequenses! After 2 years of C and to find the answer to my question to him "Why do you want to stay here?" is "Even with your moodiness (aka depression and really b....tchy) when youre happy, you are the most pleasant person I've ever known and the best to be with." But he can't lay with me. No spooning or anything. I'm not Pam Anderson but, I'm not ugly!
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
My thread was nearly a year ago. I don't bring it up every day, or even every week, but I do bring it up at least once every two weeks. So far, she's still hanging tough.
My next obvious question needs to be this....what have your boundaries/consequences been? Are you enforcing the consequences or letting them slide and therefore doing nothing?
That's what I've had to do too.