For those on here that have LD spouses...how do you get them to communicate about this at all? I guess this question is expecially for the women. But also the guys. Is my LD husband the only one who refuses to talk about this what so ever. Or am I going about it the wrong way?
Cally, that is the 64 Million (corrected to inflation) question.
Men's being can be an extremely difficult topic to get them to talk about. To your knowledge, is there anything physically wrong with him? Is he able to hold an erection?
What ever you do, do NOT blame yourself...Some guys just don't can't...
It may be best to work on your own happiness in going to the gym or somesuch to "vent" and see if he gets interested in your diversion and such...
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
My H didn't want to talk either - but then I'm not much help, since he still doesn't want to talk
Why not give us some idea how you are approaching him - these guys are pretty good at giving advice. But it often is a matter of just keeping at it (and finding a way to do that that doesn't seem attacking). Find a loving way of letting him know you're serious.
Why not ask him when would be a good time to talk. Let him know you're serious about working on this together - make sure he understands that you're not blaming him but trying to find a solution. You can't force him to talk, really all you can do is let him know how serious this is to you, and hope that he cares enough to take you up on it. If he does care, and you provide a 'safe' setting for him to talk (he doesn't feel attacked or ashamed) then he will open up eventually.
It may be that you two have to 'practice' intimacy again (I have to admit, I don't really remember your sitch) so it might be a good idea to 'talk' about other, less difficult topics first, to help him understand you're on his side.
I would be willing to bet that most LD men are uncomfortable or unwilling to talk about it. The communication between my LDH and I has truly improved....BUT I still have to initiate the conversations, and still have to sometimes drag information out of him.
The key for us was...
#1 putting my foot down about counseling (for both of us)
#2 Refusing to accept no answer as an answer
#3 Demanding the respect/common courtesy of a response of some sort to a perfectly reasonable question. Even if his answer was "I don't know"...he was no longer allowed to ignore the fact that I asked a question.
#4 I avoided having "tough talks" in the bedroom and began broaching topics little by little when we were having comfortable chats. In other words I stopped lambasting him with EVERYTHING all at once. If he gave me an opening where one of our topics would fit...I'd take it...bring up that topic, talk about it a little....then drop it.
#5 I stopped turning every R talk we had into a huge fact-finding mission. I'd ask questions, try to get a bit of an honest answer...if I didn't get one or I got an "I don't know"...I'd tell him to think about it and I'd ask him again later.
#6 I learned to accept "I don't know" as a truthful answer. Sometimes he simply truly didn't know the answer to what I was asking. So I'd ask him to put some thought into whatever it was.
Things like what I've listed above have been working for me. Maybe some of them would work for you too. I found that not too long ago, because I was working sooooo hard on our issues, that I would tend to turn far too many of our conversations into deep meaningful R talks. This had to have been wearing on my H. I mean...who wants to talk to someone who is constantly going to make you talk about stuff you don't want to?
While I've been blessed with a husband who is open to relationship talks and is open to the idea of change, this is *so* very much not a topic he wanted to discuss, or even face the existence of. It's not like pulling teeth any more, but mostly because I've established a relatively unaggressive, humorous way to talk about it, now.
But in the beginning, I essentially started off by saying "I've got some things I need to tell you, and I need you to not respond until I let you know I'm done." After I'd gotten his promise that he would stay quiet, I just... I dunno, broke it down. I told him that I love him, and that I love being with him, but that I just wasn't happy with our sex life. That I look at him and think "God, I love him" and it fills me with warmth that turns into fire... and that the knowledge that he didn't hurt. I told him how I felt, how I'd been feeling, the details. I said that I knew he didn't mean it that way - or at least, that I hoped he didn't mean ti that way - but that I felt crushed, unfeminine and unattractive, when my husband repeatedly rejects my advances. I stayed reasonable, not angry, but I was crying through a lot of it. I'm pretty sure I listed a number of the reasons my paranoia had come up with to explain the difference from how we were before. I ended by telling him that, while I really didn't want to lose him, I needed to see change for our relationship to work for me. Not that anything is wrong with him, *or* me, just that I need more than he'd been giving. Once I even told him that I was terrified that, after hearing me tell him all of this, he was just going to say "All right, g'bye." After I felt that I'd said everything I could say, everything I'd had running around in my head for the weeks and months before, I let him know I was done.
And he was shaken that it had been affecting me that much. He really just hadn't known that it was hitting me that deeply and harshly. And because I'd told him that I needed to see *some* sign of giving from him, and some sign that he was willing to work with me, he talked with me about it. And he's put up with me bringing it up over and over again over the last couple of years surprisingly well, though there have been a few rough spots. Nowadays, I just ask him how things are going on the lovin' front, and he chuckles and lets me know what he's thinking about the whole thing. At least a little.
So... um... that's how I did it. Don't know how others do, or if it would work with you and your H, but... yeah. :-D
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
Going to the gym actually makes the HD/LD situation worse. For me it does the following: 1) It raises my desire level (more testosterone). 2) There are in-shape women working out there to remind me of what I don't have. 3) I work out to keep my body in shape specifically for the ladies. I want a lady that loves to touch. Again, reminded of what I don't have.
Going to the gym does the opposite for me. When I am working out or running on a regular basis, I find I do not get the physical need (use your imagination here) as much, although I still always want to have sex.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
CeMar, I don’t know why I bother replying to your posts since you never respond, but here goes. I don’t mean to get down on you, but you constantly say things that just rub me wrong. Now you’ve done it again.
Quote: I work out to keep my body in shape specifically for the ladies.
What’s with that? You want to stay in shape for your W – good. You want to stay in shape for you health – also good. You want to stay in shape for yourself – better. You want to stay in shape for “the ladies” – bad. Very bad.
You claim that you’re stuck in your miserable M because of your Christian morals. But you constantly denigrate your wife rather than delighting in the wife of your youth as you’re commanded to do. You refuse to appreciate what God has given you. You complain about what you deserve when you know full well that you deserve nothing. And now you tell us that you’re buffing up for OTHER WOMEN!!!! This would be so wrong on so many levels even if you weren’t trying to hide behind your so-called Christian morals, but when you continue to cite those alleged morals, this kind of thinking is WAY out of line. Do you hear what you’re saying? Can’t you see that this is wrong thinking?
Cally, You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not. If it is, then you have to be willing to bring this topic up frequently and deal with whatever fallout there may be. If it leads to a fight, so be it. Etc. We stayed on a course of having The Talk about once per week for a year or so. Maybe more, I've lost track.
He decided the following: He wanted to stay married to me. He wanted to stay married to me so bad that he would tolerate these frequent talks. And, finally, he wanted to stay married to me so bad that he would agree to compromise on this issue and to take me seriously.
That's really it, in a nutshell.
If you are afraid to constantly bring this issue up because he might leave you, then I'd say that sex is the least of your worries, kwim?
Honeypot has an excellent point here. My H and I avoided talking about our R seriously...because we were afraid of what the other would do if we said something he/she didn't like. You can't maintain a R that way.
The only way to deal with these issues is bring them out and talk about them....the only way you and your H will get around being uncomfortable talking about these issues is to .... (drum roll please) talk about them.
It's taken time (and I think Honeypot will say the same thing) but eventually your H will learn to talk about these issues (if he wants to stay married to you) with you and you with him. He may never become comfortable talking about sexual issues with you...but he will get to the point that he will do it. Keep in mind though it takes, consistency & repitition, consistency & repitition, consistency & repitition, over and over again. You will probably have to be the one to continually bring the issues up....if that's the case, so be it...as long as they are discussed.
