W came home before dark tonight. We chatted a bit and then I cooked dinner. At one point I pulled her close and kissed her. She pulled back just a bit and said my name, as if to question what I was doing. I said her name back, and she smiled and chuckled a bit. I kissed her again, and told her I wanted her, repeated those steps again, and she put her head down a bit, touching her forehead to mine. She didn't respond to me when I said I wanted her the second time, so I pulled away , said I realize that she didn't want me, and started to pull away some more. She held my hand and pulled me close and hugged me. She was crying a bit, and she said that she wanted to keep it light today because she was exhausted from cleaning the huge house. I apologized, and said it is hard when I am so close to her when I want her so badly. She said "quite literally" and we laughed a bit. I told her to sit down, and I rubbed her shoulders until dinner was done. We ate, then watched Lost. She was fading fast, so I told her to go ahead to bed and I would take care of the dinner dishes. I peeked my head into her room (I HATE saying that) and said goodnight. She had been nursing her wrists tonight, so I offered to get the wrist braces (from my carpel tunnel bout) She was thankful. I told her that if she was doing windows this weekend, no matter what she said, I would be there helping her.
She said she was going to sleep at home until Tuesday night, and then would be gone until Friday. As much as I hated her being mean to me, it is just as hard when she is nice but absent.
Her earlier cruelty was certainly making large withdrawals from my love bank, but I am realizing that there is still a decent balance. She is much more talkative lately, and rather than mumbling when I said it was good to spend time with her tonight, she actually verbally agreed that it was good to spend time with me.
I'll say again that I am not reading too much into the new changes. I can't feel too good about things until we are around the corner and down the road a bit. I do know that my heart and my head are only loosely connected at times, and I hope that this isn't one of those times. False hope right now is the last thing I need.
