NR, I have been bent for months and months, and now I am learning to get straight again. I honestly don't know how I am doing it either, except for the support I found from here, above, and within.

GEL, The constancy I am showing W is the only constant in my life right now. With my change of job, my dead business, and the lack of returned love, the love I offer to W is the only thing that has not changed in the last six months. I will be able to hold my course for a while longer. I am in no hurry to find new love for my life, because I need to heal first. I will give myself the opportunity to heal before I make the decision to get involved with a new R. In the meantime, if W (I really hate calling her that, because George pops into my minds eye every time ) I say I say If W decides to change her course, I am open to it. But I AM moving on. I am letting go. I have driven myself nearly insane with the longing and despair. I am not capable of continuing that unsupported hope. I was feeling down and lonely today, on my way home from work. I stopped at the 'brary to drop off books, and headed to my folks house to feed their cat while they are gone. I was having a hard time coping after a rather unproductive day, filled with sad songs from the manager's radio. I paused to let a car into traffic (typical nice guy) and it turned out to be my best friend driving his W's car. He called me immediately on my cell and said we should stop for a brew. He and the big boss and another friend proceeded to make me laugh to the point of an emergency bathroom run. My point is that right now I am incapable of feeling better all on my own, but if I am open to the positive influence of others, I will survive and thrive. I could beat myself to a pulp for the stupid mistakes I have made, but I will be no better off from the punishment. I could go on feeling sorry for myself without any hope, but the fact of the matter is, W is going to do her own thing, (hopefully on her terms, not OM's) I couldn't get that Wood Thrush to sing on Saturday, no matter how hard I tried, and I won't make W love me again. That is up to her.

My friend is an arborist (by education, not career) We had a nice discussion the other day about my maple trees (a mix of Norway and Sugar) He made a comment that hit a nerve. He said that the maple trees are especially hardy, and are very capable of compartmentalizing their wounds, boxing in the hurt before it spreads to the good stuff. He also said that they readily shed last years growth in favor of protecting the "core" of their existence, the root base and trunk. I asked if he was speaking metaphorically for my sitch, and he looked at me like I was crazy. It took him a minute to realize that I need to learn the abilities that are inherent in the maple.

Sping up north is like pulling teeth. It is supposed to get down into the thirties again tonight. Not quite a frost. I put out the plants in the garden a couple of weeks earlier than normal, because I am anxious to see some growth. The grass is really growing now, and the last of the trees are finally leafing out (butternut, oak, & walnut) I feel very much alive when I am out in the garden. The cacophony of birds is enough to overwhelm the senses. Years ago, I gave W a birding by ear tape set, and I enjoy picking out the different species that live in our yard. (sadly, this is yet another pastime that reminds me of W. Someday soon, that rememberance shan't be so painful)

W sez (I didn't say Simon) that she will be home by dinner time. I am making Salmon cakes, wild rice, and asparagus. If she doesn't show before they are cold, the leftovers are lunch for me. I made it clear today that I was making them, and let her know when they would be ready. I am not even concerning myself with her presence, because I welcome the lunch option.