Where are you going, with your long face pulling down? Don’t hide away, like an ocean But you can’t see, but you can smell And the sound waves crash down
I am no superman I have no answers for you I am no hero, oh that’s for sure But I do know one thing for sure Is where you are, is where I belong I do know, where you go, is where I want to be
Where are you going, where do you go? Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars? If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me until a brighter day It’s okay, where are you going, where do you go?
I am no superman I have no answers for you I am no hero, oh that’s for sure But I do know one thing for sure Is where you are, is where I belong I do know, where you go, is where I want to be
Where are you going, where do you go? Are you looking for answers, where do you go?
Where are you going? Where do you go? Let’s go.
It's a beautiful song...hopefully not too much of a downer.
Quote: I can let her go, but for me it seems like all or nothing. I can't let her go a little bit, and retain hope for our M.
The way around this IMO is to concentrate on all the things you can do that will benefit you no matter how things work out with your marriage. Concentrate on things that seem more like self-improvement than self-sacrifice or self-indulgence. This will help you avoid feelings of resentment or remorse in the future.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
IHJ, There is a very good version of that song on the DVD.
JJ, I have taken that approach, and have essentially written off our M as kaputt, giving up hope. That has allowed me of late to begin doing things for me. It is still hard to see her, and I still want to save the M, but there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to save it. I will keep on keeping on, and doing what makes me feel whole and happy. I planted a dozen tomatoes, a dozen sweet peppers, a dozen hot peppers, and a dozen basil plants so far. W used to love working in the garden, but she has stayed inside all day while I enjoyed the gardening. I asked her if she wanted some cherry tomatoes, and she said she did, so I left a row open to plant those soon. I love the act of putting those tiny plants into the soil, knowing that the roots will soon be 2-3 feet deep.
Earlier, I asked W to press on my back since it was out of alignment and needed a good crack. She surprised me first by saying she would, and I was even more surprised when she gave me a short massage. It was a bittersweet sensation.
Yesterday, I saw W more than I have in weeks. No R talk, no negative discussions. Late in the eve, we were watching the tube, and she turned to me and said, "you planted the garden like we were going to be here for a while." I said "We are, and I would be happy to spend the rest of our lives here together" She had no reply. Obviously, we won't be able to move before the garden has grown, so I am unsure why she made the statemnt. At least she didn't take that opportunity to say something hurtful.
Man, I don't know how you do it. I get all bent up if my wife doesn't feel like holding my hand at the mall. I think you are doing great, and I wish you the best.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
IMHO I think she's beginning to see that you are fighting for her and you aren't giving up. Personally, I think it's beginning to sink in w/her how much you really do love her. Perhaps your persistence and man-o-steele persona is finally beginning to chip away that wall she's put up (and it could take awhile to tear down that wall).
You are doing so well...keep it up. I still believe this is going to pay-off for you. Avoiding those R talks as much as possible right now is such a good thing to do...albeit very hard I'm sure. The way I see it is this...R talks right now (because she's so hurt) give her something to dig her heels in against and resist. Avoiding those talks allows her to come to you on her own as she sees your consistency and that huge barrier of hurt starts to melt away. Not to mention...you never can tell when the OM is going to begin showing his true colors in a manner that bothers her (he may already be starting to). If you stop pushing her with R talks (which make her defensive, guilty and angry)...and he continues to push her to hurt you (to do things hurtful she knows you really don't deserve no matter what)....he might just push her right back to you....your current behavior of love and consistency is bound to begin to look more attractive than him pushing her to do things she deep down doesn't want to do.
NR, I have been bent for months and months, and now I am learning to get straight again. I honestly don't know how I am doing it either, except for the support I found from here, above, and within.
GEL, The constancy I am showing W is the only constant in my life right now. With my change of job, my dead business, and the lack of returned love, the love I offer to W is the only thing that has not changed in the last six months. I will be able to hold my course for a while longer. I am in no hurry to find new love for my life, because I need to heal first. I will give myself the opportunity to heal before I make the decision to get involved with a new R. In the meantime, if W (I really hate calling her that, because George pops into my minds eye every time ) I say I say If W decides to change her course, I am open to it. But I AM moving on. I am letting go. I have driven myself nearly insane with the longing and despair. I am not capable of continuing that unsupported hope. I was feeling down and lonely today, on my way home from work. I stopped at the 'brary to drop off books, and headed to my folks house to feed their cat while they are gone. I was having a hard time coping after a rather unproductive day, filled with sad songs from the manager's radio. I paused to let a car into traffic (typical nice guy) and it turned out to be my best friend driving his W's car. He called me immediately on my cell and said we should stop for a brew. He and the big boss and another friend proceeded to make me laugh to the point of an emergency bathroom run. My point is that right now I am incapable of feeling better all on my own, but if I am open to the positive influence of others, I will survive and thrive. I could beat myself to a pulp for the stupid mistakes I have made, but I will be no better off from the punishment. I could go on feeling sorry for myself without any hope, but the fact of the matter is, W is going to do her own thing, (hopefully on her terms, not OM's) I couldn't get that Wood Thrush to sing on Saturday, no matter how hard I tried, and I won't make W love me again. That is up to her.
My friend is an arborist (by education, not career) We had a nice discussion the other day about my maple trees (a mix of Norway and Sugar) He made a comment that hit a nerve. He said that the maple trees are especially hardy, and are very capable of compartmentalizing their wounds, boxing in the hurt before it spreads to the good stuff. He also said that they readily shed last years growth in favor of protecting the "core" of their existence, the root base and trunk. I asked if he was speaking metaphorically for my sitch, and he looked at me like I was crazy. It took him a minute to realize that I need to learn the abilities that are inherent in the maple.
Sping up north is like pulling teeth. It is supposed to get down into the thirties again tonight. Not quite a frost. I put out the plants in the garden a couple of weeks earlier than normal, because I am anxious to see some growth. The grass is really growing now, and the last of the trees are finally leafing out (butternut, oak, & walnut) I feel very much alive when I am out in the garden. The cacophony of birds is enough to overwhelm the senses. Years ago, I gave W a birding by ear tape set, and I enjoy picking out the different species that live in our yard. (sadly, this is yet another pastime that reminds me of W. Someday soon, that rememberance shan't be so painful)
W sez (I didn't say Simon) that she will be home by dinner time. I am making Salmon cakes, wild rice, and asparagus. If she doesn't show before they are cold, the leftovers are lunch for me. I made it clear today that I was making them, and let her know when they would be ready. I am not even concerning myself with her presence, because I welcome the lunch option.
W and I had an interesting exchange last night. We were discussing finances, and she started to redirect to an R talk. She apologized for saying that she regretting getting married, and her other usual apologies. I told her that it was very possible for me to forgive her if she would stop hurting me and show me that she wanted to work on R. She was crying, because I let her know how much it hurt me to hear her expressing the M regret. She went to get a tissue, and I went with her, and walked up behind her, held her, turned her a bit, and kissed her neck,, and then lips. She gasped, and kissed back lightly. I held her tightly and told her that I wanted her, more than anything in the world. She was hesitant to return my kisses, but she did. She did return the kisses, despite being stand offish. We kissed a bit more, and she pulled away slightly. I told her again that I wanted her, and that I didn't know how to stop wanting her. She pulled me tight and gave me a big hug, and we both cried. I would have loved to have taken it farther, but she pulled away. She seemed to enjoy the kissing, but she clearly felt uncomfortable. The fact that she returned my kisses seems like progress to me. It is slow progress for sure, but nonetheless, I made it clear how badly I want her, and that my desire for her is not diminishing with time. She will be gone for the next couple of nights, staying at IL's for out of town job. I hope I gave her something to think about.
W is becoming more like her old self as far as reliability is concerned. She has returned my calls for the most part, and said she called last Fri when she didn't come home. She is more kind and considerate, and said she has stopped lying (HMMM????) She seemed genuinely concerned about my endocrinologist appointment on THursday, and asked when I expected it to be over.
My patience is good, and my spirit is strong. I will wait until the cows come home, and I hope W comes with them.
Yay! Slow and steady... She can't hold out forever when you're being so darned irresistible. Maybe this will give you a little something to smile about while you're away?
SD, I am smiling, because I know that W hasn't lost all of her desire for me, she is just squishing it into the nether regions of her head. The way she gasped when I kissed her said it all.(more than once) She will be away for two nights. I just checked our voicemail for our defunct land line, and she really did call me to let me know she wouldn't be home last Fri.
I am not reading too much into all of this business. I am certainly not changing my plans or tactics. I look forward to the next opportunity to see her and initiate more contact. If she doesn't revert to her mean spirited incarnation, things may actually turn around. Time will tell, and I am in no hurry.
