I've been meaning to write this to you for quite a while, now. It's hard to share this stuff. It is ancient history, but it still kind of stings. The pain you are going through, I wouldn't wish on the meanest creature on earth.
When W and I were in our late 20's, ~15 years ago, I found out W was having an affair. We had only been married about 4 years at the time. I was totally unfit for marriage: I was a lying, pot-smoking, underemployed college washout. I was totally incapable of taking care of myself, let alone a wife and family. But I was turning my life around. I finally got a decent job, and went back to college part time to finish my degree. It was during this time in my life that W started seeing OM where she worked. She started going out in the evenings "with people at work", or so she said, when she was going out with OM. He was much older than she was, had been married 4X, had a son almost as old as her, and he was living in a friend's apartment. But he promised her the world, lavished her with attention, and made her feel special in ways that I didn't
Eventually I found out about the affair when a coworker of theirs with a chip on her shoulder called me with an anonymous tip. I confronted W with the info and she admitted she had been having an affair. Well, I was not a "man of steel." I had not read any self help books about affairs, or had any knowledge of Plan A or Plan B. I begged and pleaded with her to stop seeing the other man, but to no avail. All that I knew was that I couldn't live with her while she was see him. So I told her that if she couldn't stop seeing OM, we had to split up.
It wasn't very complicated: we hardly owned anything at the time. We cancelled the lease on our apartment. I moved into a small place closer to school that I could afford on my own meager salary, and she got a shiny new appartment with OM that she got to furnish to her exacting tastes.
Neither one of us moved right away toward getting a divorce, but we meticulously divied things up. There was no screaming and shouting, because that is not our way. Three or four months later, I called her to discuss how we would go about divorce proceedings. But instead of talking about divorce, she ended up spilling her guts out about what an awful mistake she had made. She felt like she had made a terrible sin against nature, and that the only way to make it right was to reconcile with me. She was telling me all of this in the OM's "love nest."
Well, I was totally flabergasted. The fog had lifted. She finally saw both the OM and me for what we really were: he was an overstuffed, intolerant windbag who promised the world, but couldn't deliver, whereas I was the contender with potential, who was willing and capable of sharing her dreams with her and loving her the way she needed. She moved out of OM's place into her parent's home and quit her job. I got my degree the following year, and after a period of healing, we were back together.
To this day, I still don't know how I forgave her. I know why: she was a lovely person with a clever wit and a shy quirky gentle nature that touched me very deeply. She was also very contrite, and has never given me reason to doubt her fidelity ever since. But I think I was also able to forgive her because I have a talent for forgiveness.
Boy, that's a lot of sorry info. It's probably not even relevant. In your sitch, I think you have built up more of a life with each other than my wife and I did. If you made your wife choose between you and OM, it is highly likely she will choose the OM. You have a lot more to lose in splitting up. You seem particularly attached to your home. I can't blame you. You have worked very hard for it and it sounds lovely.
Your wife might move in with OM and they will live happily ever after. But you and I know that is unlikely. However, she might never see him for what he is until they are actually living together. The fog might not lift until you let her go to pursue what she thinks is the answer.
Again, I'm not advocating that you call it quits. What I am saying is that if you show her the door, don't lock it. You might hear her knocking quitely, ashamed, contrite, hopeful that you will let her in and give her another chance.
To end this ridiculously long post, I leave you with a ridiculous, but hopeful, song:
"Brand New Day" Sting
How many of you people out there Been hurt in some kind of love affair And how many times do you swear that you’ll never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights How many lies, how many fights And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?
’love is pain,’ I hear you say Love has a cruel and bitter way Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most Can leave you feeling just like a ghost? You never want to feel so sad and lost again
One day you could be looking Through an old book in rainy weather You see a picture of her smiling at you When you were still together You could be walking down the street And who should you chance to meet But that same old smile that you’ve been thinking of all day
You can turn the clock to zero, honey I’ll sell the stock, we’ll spend all the money We’re starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back I wonder if she’ll take me back I’m thinking in a brand new way
Turn the clock to zero, sister You’ll never know how much I missed her Starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, boss The river’s wide, we’ll swim across Started up a brand new day
It could happen to you - just like it happened to me There’s simply no immunity - there’s no guarantee I say love’s such a force - if you find yourself in it And sometimes no reflection is there
Baby wait a minute, wait a minute Wait a minute, wait a minute Wait a minute, wait a minute
Turn the clock to zero, honey I’ll sell the stock, we’ll spend all the money We’re starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, mac I’m begging her to take me back I’m thinking in a brand new way
Turn the clock to zero, boss The river’s wide, we’ll swim across Started up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero buddy Don’t wanna be no fuddy duddy Started up a brand new day
I’m the rhythm in your tune I’m the sun and you’re the moon I’m a bat and you’re the cave You’re the beach and I’m the wave I’m the plow and you’re the land You’re the glove and I’m the hand I’m the train and you’re the station I’m a flagpole to your nation - yeah
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world Starting up a brand new day
I’m the present to your future You’re the wound and I’m the suture You’re the magnet to my pole I’m the devil in your soul You’re the pupil I’m the teacher You’re the church and I’m the preacher You’re the flower I’m the rain You’re the tunnel I’m the train
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world Starting up a brand new day
You’re the crop to my rotation You’re the sum of my equation I’m the answer to your question If you follow my suggestion We can turn this ship around We’ll go up instead of down You’re the pan and I’m the handle You’re the flame and I’m the candle
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world We’re starting up a brand new day
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
