Last night, W was edgy when she got home, and a bit rude. In a quiet moment, I mentioned the party and asked her to be here. She went ballistic. She essentialy said that it was weird thati was having a "couple's thing" when things were not good between us. I said that things were going better for me, and I wanted to have some of our friends over, and that all of our friends are couples. I said that I wanted to share the big batch of beer, celebrate spring, and have a good time. She said "Then you shouldn't have made all of the beer." I was blown away by her anger. She went off the handle for a while. Later, after some cool down. I told her that I wanted her, and wanted her to be a part of my life. She said "what if I don't want you?" I told her that I couldn't believe that.
Much later, we were discussing again, and she said something of my pain. I said she had no idea what my pain is like. She said she never meant to hurt me. I said she could stop hurting me. Her reply was "Let me go and I will stop hurting you." I said she would stop hurting me because I was letting go. I told her that I didn't want a D, and that I told our friends that, so she can be sure that no one would be bad mouthing her in my prescence. I said I that I know it is hard for her to believe that I still love her and want her, but that I do. I said that there have been times that I wished I didn't still love her, because it wuld make my life much easier.
She had a DIC appt yesterday (Divorce...IC) Every time she sees the DIC, she comes home edgy, rude, or downright angry towards me. I started to call her on that, but didn't. I did digress into a few agumentative phases yesterday. I tried to avoid it, but her reaction to me inviting friends to our house ticked me off. SHe is playing games. She asked weird questions, and when I ask any questions, she gives evasive answers. I asked her not to play games with me, and to exercise her new "directness" that she has learned after 6 months of IC with DIC. I told her that her indirect, evasive answers only made me think that there was hope to save the M.
Another day, and more hope for me to get over this mess.
Since you're always putting songs into your posts, I just have to mention one that pops into my head every time you recount discussions with your W. The whole song doesn't fit, but there are lines from Bob Dylan's "Idiot Wind" that are just screamed out by your posts:
"Now everything's a little upside down, as a matter of fact the wheels have stopped, What's good is bad, what's bad is good, you'll find out when you reach the top You're on the bottom."
Or how about
"You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above, And I'll never know the same about you, your holiness or your kind of love, And it makes me feel so sorry."
And of course
"You hurt the ones that I love best and cover up the truth with lies."
With your every post, that song starts running through my head.
csw wrote: --------------- I mentioned the party and asked her to be here. She went ballistic. ---------------
Imagine that. Your home, your friends, and she gets mad because you didn't play the 'dead marriage game'.
Do you think she would have reacted any differently if you would have asked her first? What do you think she would have said?
What you did was to expose her underbelly. You did that when you broke up her plan by having a life whether she was in it or not.
The illicit pair's plan for you, is for you to be a puppet, beaten down and conditioned not to fight any more. With you living in your home (that your wife has largely abandoned), like some temporary resident. Everything you do, only with the permission of their contrivance.
I hope that 'hold' on you is permanently broken now that you can see it.
quotes, all puppet like, led by counsellor or other man: -------------------------------------------------------- ... never meant to hurt you.
Let me go and I will stop hurting you. --------------------------------------------------------
Do you see the difference between the above two quotes? On the one hand, she claims that she is not intentionally hurting you, in the other hand,, she has a gun pointed at you. Stay out of the circular arguments and busted logic, that is banter of the addict.
When "She went off the handle for a while", how did you handle that?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP, I avoided her rants, and busied myself. I went back to the discussion a bit later, but should have stayed quiet for the rest of the night. W said that when we talke dthe other day, I should have told her then about the party. Either way, she would have discouraged it. I told her I didn't need her permission to have friends over. She is taking a more active role around the house now that I am working. She goes into work much later.
Today is a less than stellar day. My productivity is down a bit, as is my spirit. All the guys went to lunch together, and nobody even mentioned it to me, leaving me here completely alone. I am growing weary of feeling so fragile. I am sure that every day will get a little better, but the down days are still down.
csw said: --------------------------- She is taking a more active role around the house now that I am working. She goes into work much later. ---------------------------
That is to be expected. She would rather be at home, but being there with you breaks up her game.
Speaking of the party, she had little intention of being home on a Saturday with you anyway, having friends over only embarrasses her because of her notable absence. That is her choice, and her problem. Don't cover for her or make excuses.
Remember, you can't control her or her actions, just yours. The job you are working at is for your growth. If she happens to see the changes in you, then good, regardless, they are good for you.
I am sorry you were neglected for lunch. Don't worry about it. You are a likable guy, but it will take a little while for all of you to get used to each other.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Try not to think too much about the lunch. Lots of men do not have stellar social skills. Perhaps it was a scene like this: Did anyone tell csw about lunch? I thought you told him! I didn't say I was telling him, I thought he already knew. Whatever, let's eat.
Blow it off, my friend.
Hang in there and I found it interesting that your W went ballistic, til I read NOP's account of what's going on inside her cheatin mind. Makes perfect sense. You are blowing her cover and getting a life. Must be driving her crazy that you are not sitting around crying in your tofu any more!
The lunch thing was no big deal. The problem with interacting with the other workers is that there are two rooms for the listers, and both are full, so I am at a workstation in the main office, with the biz manager and the general manager, so I have barely interacted with the other "commoners" the BM & GM were already gone for a lunch meeting, and the rest of the crew just left without peeking into the main office. I made it a point to ask for help from most of the listers today, mainly to save the trouble of looking up items that I was sure they had already tried listing. I also did it to interact with them a bit.
W said she was working all day. I recd an express mail notice yesterday, so I went to pick it up at PO today, but it was delivered and signed for by W, which means she was home after lunch. More lies, no surprise.
She decorated "her room" today, hanging pictures and taking decorative items from around the house. She is a peice of work.
I honestly don't expect to see her tonight. Our talk last night caused me to postpone my kegging operation. I will do that very soon. A friend called to see if I wanted to get together tonight, so I won't be stewing here. I will see if he wants to come over and help with some projects for tomorrow. His W has a lacrosse game tonight (coaching), so he is a free man for a while.
I had planned on doing something nice for W by having her kevlar kayak repaired. I recently met a top notch fiberglass boat repair guy, who is an old friend of a friend. Since this is peak season for him, he pushed me back a couple of weeks. The trouble is, now I am not so sure that I want to do nice things for her. The more I think about it, the worse the idea seems. The boat was her "independence boat" when she broke up with her ex BF before me. It is light enough for her to lift onto her vehicle alone. It would be quite ironic for me to fix her independence boat when she is seeking independence.... actually, she is avoiding independence like the plague, and hasn't spent an alone moment in a long time.
I heard a song on the radio today that struck me rather hard on the noggin. An 80's oldie, and never a big favorite, but it fits, sadly.
Time For Me to Fly
I’ve been around for you I’ve been up and down for you But I just can’t get any relief I’ve swallowed my pride for you I’ve lived and lied for you But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin’ your love away ’cause you never give it Peeling the years away And we can’t relive it I make you laugh And you make me cry I believe it’s time for me to fly
You said we’d work it out You said that you had no doubt That deep down we were really in love Oh, but I’m tired of holding on To a feeling I know is gone I do believe that I’ve had enough
I’ve had enough of the falseness Of a worn out relation Enough of the jealousy And the intoleration I make you laugh And you make me cry I believe it’s time for me to fly
I am receiving confirmations for tomorrow's shindig. It is nice to know that my friends are still there to support me despite the changes I face. I just had a wave of sadness come over me. W & I never really had a party here at the new house. We always talked about it when we were building, that we would have a big party when we were finished. We never did. We had a small get together for a bonfire right before my bro moved to MI. Mainly folks of his high school era. My best friend is friends with all my bro's old friends because of a soccer league they belong to. They will all be here tomorrow, along with some others. It looks like roughly 5 couples (and me) so I will be the eleventh wheel. That is redundant enough to not feel too funny about it. It will be strange with W missing. Heartbreaking, in fact. But I refuse to let her absence spoil the day. I am looking forward to spending time with friends, and sharing the beautiful place that W & I built. I will be sad to leave this place, because I poured every ounce of my energy here, thinking I would die here with W. Perhaps that was a naive thought, but I am a naive sort of person, I suppose. That's why it took me so long to believe W was in an affair.
I invited a couple that we have been friends with for a long time, and W used to be very close to the W in the couple, until she blew it with the affair and acted like the friend shouldn't talk to me. She hasn't spoken to W since that time. I doubt they will come, since she is 6 mos preg, and they never seem to go to parties.
I looked through our wedding album again, and stopped short at one photo in particular. It is an image taken from the roof of the inn at the state park where we wre married. It shows W & I with the JP, the waterfall in the background, and OM standing right behind me, with a gruesome frown on his face. I was stunned by the foreshadowing of his expression.
I've been meaning to write this to you for quite a while, now. It's hard to share this stuff. It is ancient history, but it still kind of stings. The pain you are going through, I wouldn't wish on the meanest creature on earth.
When W and I were in our late 20's, ~15 years ago, I found out W was having an affair. We had only been married about 4 years at the time. I was totally unfit for marriage: I was a lying, pot-smoking, underemployed college washout. I was totally incapable of taking care of myself, let alone a wife and family. But I was turning my life around. I finally got a decent job, and went back to college part time to finish my degree. It was during this time in my life that W started seeing OM where she worked. She started going out in the evenings "with people at work", or so she said, when she was going out with OM. He was much older than she was, had been married 4X, had a son almost as old as her, and he was living in a friend's apartment. But he promised her the world, lavished her with attention, and made her feel special in ways that I didn't
Eventually I found out about the affair when a coworker of theirs with a chip on her shoulder called me with an anonymous tip. I confronted W with the info and she admitted she had been having an affair. Well, I was not a "man of steel." I had not read any self help books about affairs, or had any knowledge of Plan A or Plan B. I begged and pleaded with her to stop seeing the other man, but to no avail. All that I knew was that I couldn't live with her while she was see him. So I told her that if she couldn't stop seeing OM, we had to split up.
It wasn't very complicated: we hardly owned anything at the time. We cancelled the lease on our apartment. I moved into a small place closer to school that I could afford on my own meager salary, and she got a shiny new appartment with OM that she got to furnish to her exacting tastes.
Neither one of us moved right away toward getting a divorce, but we meticulously divied things up. There was no screaming and shouting, because that is not our way. Three or four months later, I called her to discuss how we would go about divorce proceedings. But instead of talking about divorce, she ended up spilling her guts out about what an awful mistake she had made. She felt like she had made a terrible sin against nature, and that the only way to make it right was to reconcile with me. She was telling me all of this in the OM's "love nest."
Well, I was totally flabergasted. The fog had lifted. She finally saw both the OM and me for what we really were: he was an overstuffed, intolerant windbag who promised the world, but couldn't deliver, whereas I was the contender with potential, who was willing and capable of sharing her dreams with her and loving her the way she needed. She moved out of OM's place into her parent's home and quit her job. I got my degree the following year, and after a period of healing, we were back together.
To this day, I still don't know how I forgave her. I know why: she was a lovely person with a clever wit and a shy quirky gentle nature that touched me very deeply. She was also very contrite, and has never given me reason to doubt her fidelity ever since. But I think I was also able to forgive her because I have a talent for forgiveness.
Boy, that's a lot of sorry info. It's probably not even relevant. In your sitch, I think you have built up more of a life with each other than my wife and I did. If you made your wife choose between you and OM, it is highly likely she will choose the OM. You have a lot more to lose in splitting up. You seem particularly attached to your home. I can't blame you. You have worked very hard for it and it sounds lovely.
Your wife might move in with OM and they will live happily ever after. But you and I know that is unlikely. However, she might never see him for what he is until they are actually living together. The fog might not lift until you let her go to pursue what she thinks is the answer.
Again, I'm not advocating that you call it quits. What I am saying is that if you show her the door, don't lock it. You might hear her knocking quitely, ashamed, contrite, hopeful that you will let her in and give her another chance.
To end this ridiculously long post, I leave you with a ridiculous, but hopeful, song:
"Brand New Day" Sting
How many of you people out there Been hurt in some kind of love affair And how many times do you swear that you’ll never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights How many lies, how many fights And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?
’love is pain,’ I hear you say Love has a cruel and bitter way Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most Can leave you feeling just like a ghost? You never want to feel so sad and lost again
One day you could be looking Through an old book in rainy weather You see a picture of her smiling at you When you were still together You could be walking down the street And who should you chance to meet But that same old smile that you’ve been thinking of all day
You can turn the clock to zero, honey I’ll sell the stock, we’ll spend all the money We’re starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back I wonder if she’ll take me back I’m thinking in a brand new way
Turn the clock to zero, sister You’ll never know how much I missed her Starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, boss The river’s wide, we’ll swim across Started up a brand new day
It could happen to you - just like it happened to me There’s simply no immunity - there’s no guarantee I say love’s such a force - if you find yourself in it And sometimes no reflection is there
Baby wait a minute, wait a minute Wait a minute, wait a minute Wait a minute, wait a minute
Turn the clock to zero, honey I’ll sell the stock, we’ll spend all the money We’re starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, mac I’m begging her to take me back I’m thinking in a brand new way
Turn the clock to zero, boss The river’s wide, we’ll swim across Started up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero buddy Don’t wanna be no fuddy duddy Started up a brand new day
I’m the rhythm in your tune I’m the sun and you’re the moon I’m a bat and you’re the cave You’re the beach and I’m the wave I’m the plow and you’re the land You’re the glove and I’m the hand I’m the train and you’re the station I’m a flagpole to your nation - yeah
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world Starting up a brand new day
I’m the present to your future You’re the wound and I’m the suture You’re the magnet to my pole I’m the devil in your soul You’re the pupil I’m the teacher You’re the church and I’m the preacher You’re the flower I’m the rain You’re the tunnel I’m the train
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world Starting up a brand new day
You’re the crop to my rotation You’re the sum of my equation I’m the answer to your question If you follow my suggestion We can turn this ship around We’ll go up instead of down You’re the pan and I’m the handle You’re the flame and I’m the candle
Stand up all you lovers in the world Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl Stand up all you lovers in the world We’re starting up a brand new day
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
SM, That could quite pssibly be the nicest reply I have ever received. It was a very good thing to read right before bed. (a good time for a warm fuzzy feeling) I will have to read that one over a few times.
