Last night, W was edgy when she got home, and a bit rude. In a quiet moment, I mentioned the party and asked her to be here. She went ballistic. She essentialy said that it was weird thati was having a "couple's thing" when things were not good between us. I said that things were going better for me, and I wanted to have some of our friends over, and that all of our friends are couples. I said that I wanted to share the big batch of beer, celebrate spring, and have a good time. She said "Then you shouldn't have made all of the beer." I was blown away by her anger. She went off the handle for a while. Later, after some cool down. I told her that I wanted her, and wanted her to be a part of my life. She said "what if I don't want you?" I told her that I couldn't believe that.
Much later, we were discussing again, and she said something of my pain. I said she had no idea what my pain is like. She said she never meant to hurt me. I said she could stop hurting me. Her reply was "Let me go and I will stop hurting you." I said she would stop hurting me because I was letting go. I told her that I didn't want a D, and that I told our friends that, so she can be sure that no one would be bad mouthing her in my prescence. I said I that I know it is hard for her to believe that I still love her and want her, but that I do. I said that there have been times that I wished I didn't still love her, because it wuld make my life much easier.
She had a DIC appt yesterday (Divorce...IC) Every time she sees the DIC, she comes home edgy, rude, or downright angry towards me. I started to call her on that, but didn't. I did digress into a few agumentative phases yesterday. I tried to avoid it, but her reaction to me inviting friends to our house ticked me off. SHe is playing games. She asked weird questions, and when I ask any questions, she gives evasive answers. I asked her not to play games with me, and to exercise her new "directness" that she has learned after 6 months of IC with DIC. I told her that her indirect, evasive answers only made me think that there was hope to save the M.
Another day, and more hope for me to get over this mess.
