JJ, Technically speaking, to ML with W at this point would be to condone her A, and I don't want to do that. Also, if she won't answer my condom question, it ain't happenin'. I let her know that I missed her and wanted her, and at this point, that is all I can do until she begins to show some willingness to work. As far as the reply after the doctor's appt, I told her that I would look into every option to eliminate the problem, but that I didn't think a lifetime of treatment was necessary to get me back on track. I also told her that my drinking etc probably had an effect on libido beyond the effects of low testosterone. That would fall under the diet changes...
HP, You weren't in the sack with OM at the point your M changes were initiated (you have a great sense of right and wrong). W doesn't give two hoots about whether I want to ML with her right now. Her needs are being met, and her love meter is bouncing off of the backside of the pin. I thought I knew OM, but clearly, I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I think the nickname squirrel came from my reference to his new physique, after dropping 80 pounds, I suggested that he probably looked like a flying squirrel. Not a nice thing to say, but I was angry at that time. It is a pity that all of you folks are so far away. The party will be a good time. BTW, I did tell W I wanted her, after I kissed her neck, put my hand on her heart and said I missed being in her heart, I said I wanted her and wanted to be in her heart again (sometimes memory is a nebulous thing).
NOP just about nailed my concerns re: ML with W. It will be a little while, (if W makes the move that way) before I can look at her and not have the replay going in my head. I am glad I never saw them together, or I fear I would be permanently scarred.
Andy, IHJ and NOP were pretty accurate in answering for me. W and I have been together for nearly 14 years, and have lived together for 13 of those years. IOW, 40% of my life has been spent with her. I am not willing to turn away from that history because of her horrendous mistake. Not yet, anyway. She recently said she was unhappy for three or four years. Her unhappiness drove her to stop thinking clearly. I am not even trying to make excuses for her. What I am saying is that my contributions to our R problems were great enough for me to offer her a bit of leiniency, should she realize soon the depth of her mistake. My first reaction after D-day was to want to drop everything and run out of town, nuking OM on the way. But I am not a violent person, and I am not a quitter. W's entire personality has changed, and she does not remotely exhibit the quality of character that she once embodied. To me, this is the strongest reason for sticking with it a while longer. She will come to her senses soon enough, and she already stated that she hates lying, that it is eating her up. There will come a time when the lying and the forced mean spirited actions will take such a toll on her spirit that she must change her ways. I would like to stick around until then, if I can take it that long.
I will continue to make it clear to W that I want her, and want to save our M. I will give my best effort to persevere. My GAL plan is helping to quiet the thoughts that were killing my spirit. My hope is that W will see me getting stronger everyday, and realize what she is missing. Her circle of friends has dwindled dramatically. She has grown closer to her family, but beyond that, she really only talks to OM and a few people at work. I am expanding my circle of friends every day. I am getting back in touch with old friends, and making new ones. I am trying my best to continue my artwork, and other forms of expression.
Work went well today. I listed more today than the last two days combined, and some were big ticket items, so I stand a good chance at getting the larger of the two sales bonuses. If I crank tomorrow, it will be in the bag.
I suppose I should figure out what to make for the party. I already know a few things, like feta walnut dip, guacamole, artichoke dip, grilled fish. The guys offered to bring some sides and the meat items. One carboy is still bubbling, but the other is ready to keg. I hope the bubbler isn't getting funky.
Sorry for the novella, but there is so much to say, and there were so many good points to discuss today.
