This little light of mine

[csw]

GEL, I will ask the question again soon. I will not hesitate to let her know that her actions are hurtful, but I won't bash her. I can only be lovingly distant. She was sleeping when I left this morning, and she obviously went into work late. She moved her nightstand into her new bedroom, and several large stacks of books into "my bedroom" She probably will be late as usual.

Day two at work went well. I am still getting my bearings, but I should be much more efficient tomorrow.
After work, I went out for a brew with my good friend, and the big boss. Friend called in reinforcements, a couple of other friends I hadn't seen in almost a year. One friend is building fully suspended recumbent bicycles, and is having trouble with his frame fabricator. I have the tools and the skills, and a trainload of ambition for something challenging to work on. In college, I helped a different friend build a frame fabricating table. This task will be a bit more daunting. I relish the opportunity, despite the small anticipated monetary rewards.

The masseusse called, and then stopped into the bar to check on a metalwork repair I was doing on her mom's brass bowl. I am not a fan of repair work, but it is a mom's day favor, so I feel obliged. When she left the guys teased me about her being my new girlfriend. I am no where near ready to consider any new R. My love harp has a few busted strings.

The initial count for the weekend shindig is 5 or 6 couples, with a bunch of kids of various ages. It looks to be good weather, and I look forward to torching some more maple, and doing some fancy cooking. I almost want to keep it quiet with W, and she if she accidentaly shows up in the middle, or better yet, it she were home as people started showing up... otherwise I am certain she would avoid at all cost.

Cine, my fanciest music gadget (portable, that is) is a tape walkman. And all of my tapes have been through the wringer. I suppose I should get with the program. I always had a disc changer in the shop. Todays music fare was a rock hits sort of deal, but not classic rock. I need to get something, because my music tastes run a bit more selective these days.

Cally, I am sure OM is prioritizing new kids with W. He would love to father her children. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
I don't know what W is thinking, and I'm not sure if I want to know right now.

[Greeneyedlass]

csw,

I really like your plans for the weekend, I personally think doing something like this will show your W you're doing your own thing....and not wallowing in misery like she thinks you should be (even if you are don't show it).

If she questions you about it....just tell her the truth, you didn't know what her plans were and didn't know if she'd be around considering she doesn't show/call when she says she will...but you'd like it if she would stay and have fun.

Sounds like an awful lot of fun...my H and I enjoy dinner parties

GEL

[csw]

Last night when W came home she was cold and distant, her usual self of late. We watched Lost, delayed. Later, she was getting ready to change the sheets on "her" bed. I walked up behind her and gave her a big hug. The second I touched her, she gasped and backed into me. As I held ehr, she cried silently and squeezed my hand a bit. I kissed her neck and told her I missed her very much, that I missed being in her heart. She moved for a tissue, and sat on the bed. I sat near her, with a pile of sheets between us. I asked if she would be late today, and said if she wanted me to make some yellowfin for her, that she would need to call me. I asked about her mother's health, andoffered info about mine. We chatted for a bit. I leaned over and touched her knee, and said it was very nice to spend those few moments with her. Then I stared into her eyes for a bit, leaned again and grasped her hand again. I said goodnight, and left the room. SHe was still quietly crying when I left, and for a little while after.

I don't know if she was crying from guilt, missing me, or a combination. I cherished those moments, regardless of her thoughts.

I believe she will be gone to yoga during the party, and I bet she stays out that night, since they always do a mother's day brunch. I will probably end up inviting her anyway. We shall see how the next days pan out.

Another day, another 50¢.

[MJontheMend]

I leaned over and touched her knee, and said it was very nice to spend those few moments with her. Then I stared into her eyes for a bit, leaned again and grasped her hand again. I said goodnight, and left the room.

This seems like a good sign but I have to ask why you didn't try to take it further and see if something sexual might happen? I know there might be some rule like you shouldn't sleep with her while she's still sleeping with him but it seems to me that you're working at a disadvantage with a HDW if you aren't making it abundantly clear that you are VERY interested in having sex with her. While I'm getting on your case, I've got to tell you from my POV, based on what you posted here, you didn't tell your W the message I would have wanted to hear after your Dr.'s appt.. Instead of "My low testosterone is borderline, so I can probably fix it with diet and exercise.". I would have wanted to hear "My low testosterone is borderline but I told the doctor to give me the maximum dosage because I want to be a sex machine for the woman I love.". But then again, what do I know? You're probably better off just following NOP's advice.

[honeypot]

I agree with you, JJ.

The only thing that helped me out of my sex starved funk was hearing--repeatedly--that he did desire me and then him backing it up with action.

I did not have any interest in hearing how much he loved me.

Just my two cents.

Hang in there, C.
I think you are the master at these things. You should write a book on how to confound a wayward spouse. Oh and I hadn't realized that you knew the OM until yesterday's posts. That has to make it extraordinarily difficult. Now I am of the mind that squirrel is too kind a term for him. However, I will refrain from voicing my true thoughts and instead end on a positive note:

Good going on the new job! You sound like you are really showing your talents and impressing those around you. Even the masseusse is smitten, I daresay!

Keep up your positive frame of mind and the party sounds like a blast...too bad your SSM friends are so far away, huh!

HP

[NOPkins]

Hi, Jenny, and HP.

It would be great if csw could show great passion and desire for his wife.

There are unfortunately, difficulties in doing that at the present time.

First off, if he is going to do that, he needs to be in a position to follow through. I mean by that, horny enough to get by any bad mental imagery or other 'distractions' and still perform. Having a failure at this juncture could have undesired effects.

Performing under adverse conditions is a tall order for any man, or any spouse for that matter. Doing it with a mental movie of the illicit pair in your head, adds a whole new dimension to the matter. Secondly, I am sure that the issue of disease vector has not been adequately addressed for all concerned parties, and we all know that a condom does not protect from all STDs.

There will come a time in the near future when he will be ready to go, his own chemistry will see to that.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[nightrunner]

Hope this does not offend....maybe I am being small minded, but, I think it is time CSW washes his hands of this situation. I understand you love your wife, but my question is this. Please, understand that I hold you in high regard. Can you continue to respect yourself, knowing what your wife is doing, and you still pursue her. I could maybe, and this would be a giant step for me, continue with a marriage after infidelity of my W if it were a single incident, a gork, a 'ground ball with eyes'. But I do not think I could continue after a W's affair, and the fact that she would continue to see the OM after she knew that I knew what was going on. As I said, maybe (probably) CSW is a better man than I, and I am wrong here. How about another question...If she comes around, and all gets back to normal (or in this case, better than before), will you be able to trust her years from now, or will you always be wondering? I guess this just angers me so much. Andy

[InherJourney]

Andy,

I think the way you need to look at an affair is that it is a very bad choice that his W made because of problems within the relationship. CSW is working on fixing his contributions to the maritial mess and showing his wife there are better solutions than her ill thought out, desperate maneuver. If his wife remains in a distorted place, csw may not save the marriage but he will end up a healthier and happier person in the long run.

Hang in there CSW!

IHJ

[NOPkins]

Hi, Andy.

I feel the same anger and outrage every time I see another wayward spouse try to solve their marital problems by allowing an outsider into the relationship. This is really poignant, because affairs are relatively easy to prevent in a marriage.

In this case, csw still cares for his wife, and statistically, the marriage is very recoverable, and so is the trust.

Ultimately, it is up to csw to decide when he is done. At this point in time, dumping her won't help him feel better, or help her when the chemistry she is being influenced by wears off. In fact, when it wears off and she really sees this guy, the disgust is going to be hard for her to live with. Additionally, divorce is as emotionally draining as the affair, possibly more so.

Let me ask you this. What would you want your wife to do if you found yourself with a high school crush on your wife's best friend that you just decided was worth leaving your wife, house, kids, family and pets for (this is what the other man has done). Would you say that you were rational? Would you want your wife to run to the court house with a team of lawyers on a fast track to hell if that is what it took to get divorced from you?

It is very common to react the way you do. I still react that way and I know better. What I do now, in addition to offering help where I can, is to try and talk about infidelity when I have opportunity and time. I would really love to see the chemistry of 'love' taught in junior high school classes. I think that simply having a life long understanding of the process would save a lot of people and families from a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.

csw, can answer you for himself, but for me, I appreciate the fire in your gut about the issue. Adultery sucks.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[cinemanymph]

I would really love to see the chemistry of 'love' taught in junior high school classes.

NOP,
Methinks you may have found a sideline career.