Any hope after divorce? Part deux

[Just_Me]

Word for the day: Patience.

This might seem pretty obvious, but the reality of things is that I'm the only want that wants a real R. I'm the only one that will work towards one. Hmmmm. Pretty obvious hunh? It just was a wakeup call to me this morning. She doesn't care whether we have much if any interaction at all.

As any who have followed my thread know, there never has been much time without some sort of contact. And usually me initiating. It's time for me to actually act like I'm divorced. I did okay last night...she called asking about the star wars movie...and gave an invite which I declined. I did send an IM asking how she liked the show, but she never answered. I went to bed shortly after that. But that's what hit me this morning....I would have sent back a note...even if she was offline. Which led me to realize....yeah, but she's not asking if that would damage your R.

So I will journal my goals:
1) No initiating contact until she has done more of it. No asking for meals, etc.

2) Get the house back in shape....cleaning is slipping
3) Work on book 1 hour per night
4) Spend more time connecting with friends and family.
5) Work on golf game
6) Tell myself to be patient...this is a uphill, through the snow, marathon to a finish line that is uncertain. There is really no reason to perseverate on daily events or even the week. She is the only one that can determine whether she wants a R with me.

And no, I'm not going to expand on any of these.

[JRB]

I'm confused. You usually initiate, but she invited you to the movie? Could it be that she didn't respond to the IM b/c she was annoyed at being turned down?

I think the goals are great, especially #1 and #6, but wouldn't you want to encourage her when she does initiate?

I must be missing something.

[dogma]

Those realizations do hit hard, but sometimes it takes something for us to realize we are doing all the work with minimal payoff.

She is the only one that can determine whether she wants a R with me.


ABSOLUTELY. We can believe in our hearts and know where we want to be and what we want to happen, but without the involvment of the other person, there is no intimate R.

I thought it was interesting you said you were not going to intiate as much, then you sent an IM, but you did refrain from follwing it up when she did not respond.

Focus on other activities for awhile; we all need to, if only for our own sanity.

Bruce

[Just_Me]

Hey,

I initiate more, but she initiates a fair amount and I almost always say yes.

Maybe I'm too vague most of the time. We went to this same movie on Friday night...she asked me then and I accepted. I did not like it. She called after work and she asked "what theater (4 or 11) did we see the movie in? I feel like going again." I told her and she said you can go if you want. It was really offhand. I said no, I don't think so.

Since she invited me, I called after I picked up my kids and asked if she was going. She said they were already there. She didn't sound upset then. I said.."I was just going to say if you didn't go you could grab supper with us if you want". So I did leave out that initiating/pursuing part. I IM'd her before I went to bed, but assumed she was either in a group chat (she does that with other moms) or she wasn't at the computer. I didn't assume she was mad.

But it was just this morning that I realized that I'm the only one in this that wants a R. That's all.

[dogma]

Seriously, guys, if you've been reading my thread, you've seen where I figured out that I do the same damn thing, and it's a defense mechanism!


M, I'm confused by this; how is this a defense mechanism? And I certainly do not analyze the situation out loud when she is present. Later, I think about certain behaviors; I admit this. Is this productive? Not always.

Oh, I can go a week without analyzing the interactions; I've become much better about not doing so in the past year.

Thanks M.

Wes, I am SOOO confused. You say you are not going to intiate as much, then every action you take is directed toward seeing or spending time with X. Someone wise said, give her time to miss you.

Bruce

[Just_Me]

Bruce,

That's my point. I've got to knock that off. That's on my new goals list. I'm going to spend the rest of this week doing my own thing, getting my life and house in order, and not thinking about the consequences to her. Goal number one was that I was not going to be the one to initiate these things anymore.

So yes, I'm agreeing with you. Don't be confused. I admit I initiate. I do not deny it. I'm just going to rectify that. And JRB, I'm still going to accept invites, but only half of them. That's if I'm not too busy doing my own thing to accept even that many.