Any hope after divorce? Part deux

[sage]

I need something that just helps with men/women conversation. Is M/V a good choice? Something else?

M/V is an excellent choice for tackling this topic.

Sage

[Just_Me]

Hi all,

I've lost track of everyone. I was out of town and took a break from the site. And pretty much also from DBing I guess. I'm officially divorced. The papers came through while I was away. It didn't really mean much. I've prepared for this for several months. So the things I have done that aren't DBing...I called her several times while I was away. Several of the conversations were just talk. In one I told her I missed her. I also said "you know divorce isn't what I wanted." and her reply was "believe it or not it wasn't what I wanted either." Weird. Basically I initiated R talks a couple times. When I got back yesterday it was pretty good. We hung out together, but she had established some boundaries. In my non-DB way I said I didn't think there was anything wrong with dating since we were both single and she said "we've been down that route". I told her that we have not...this was a different route (of course invalidating her feelings). There was a bunch of other stuff during the course of the night so suffice it to say that I did some pursuing and she did some mild rejecting.

That's it for now. Nobody can slap my hands too badly because I'm not officially divorce busting...because I'm divorced so how can I bust it. So what I'm going to be doing is relationship building. So there ;P

[FiatLux]

Hey Wes,

I know you were expecting it, but I'm sorry all the same. You deserved something better than that. Yet, you have a great perspective on it. It doesn't really matter in the big picture.

Nobody can slap my hands too badly because I'm not officially divorce busting..

Ha! Very good, Wes. I think I saw you talking about this on another thread - relationship building versus divorce busting. Hmmmm...

I had visualized my existing divorce decree as a glass document, and my DB efforts to be like a sledge hammer that would shatter it to smithereens. I finally looked at my decree yesterday by the way - what a useless piece of sh!t. Doesn't say anything meaningful or worthwhile. Made me more motivated after looking at it once, then filing it away in my 'D' file.

Good to have you back, Wes. Take it slow with her. Maybe think of her as a new female interest playing 'hard to get.'
You have new rules with her now, and she'll likely inform you of those rules as she discovers/creates them. Some space/time will allow her to save face by living a little, so that when she does decide to come back to you, it won't necessarily be b/c she was wrong, but b/c you woo'ed her back.

Gabriel

[IAChild]

Gabe,

"Wooing" is exactly it! Great choice of words there, buddy!

[Just_Me]

Gabriel,

Thanks for the perspective. I especially liked this:

Take it slow with her. Maybe think of her as a new female interest playing 'hard to get.'
You have new rules with her now, and she'll likely inform you of those rules as she discovers/creates them. Some space/time will allow her to save face by living a little, so that when she does decide to come back to you, it won't necessarily be b/c she was wrong, but b/c you woo'ed her back.

That feels exactly right. There is a certain pride issue here and she definitely can't come back within a week after divorcing me. That would really look bad. I don't have any doubt that she likes being around me and I strongly suspect she is physically attracted. She does have the armor of "things won't be different this time around" to protect her. We'll see if with patience I can wear that down.

Just some new stuff:
1) We had a pretty fun e-mail back and forth. She said "I busted a gut. Thanks for that." E-mail hasn't been our strong suit lately so that's a plus

2) She has asked me for some pretty important favors lately. At this point I'm okay with helping her out, but these favors spare her somewhat from the full brunt of the D. I was thinking I can cut the cord completely with her gradually rather than just saying "you're on your own" That isn't me, I can't let her dangle when I know I can help.

3) She mentioned she finally got her yahoo messenger working and said that I was on her list. That can't be too bad.

4) She signed us back up for a family pass to the fitness center (and paid for it) under my last name.

Oh yeah, I was reading a short but decent book. 100 simple secrets of happy people. I like it. Give it a shot if anyone is interested.

Here's the most pressuring thing I did. I've been in the habit of saying ILY immediately after hanging up with her. Last night I said it after goodbye. Maybe she didn't hear it, but I wasn't sure she had hung up yet. Oh well...I've wanted to tell her for 4 months.

Well all....back to slowly wooing her. I personally don't think she can resist my animal magnetism.

Thanks

[Just_Me]

Something just struck me.

I'm divorced. And here I am thinking confidently that my ex-W is coming back. Am I friggin nuts? I don't even want to think about it. I need to get a life and not even care/worry whether she comes back.

[Ioavva]

No you are not nuts.

You just have positivity - remember what you think becomes you.

You're a nice guy who could have anyone you wanted, including her if you try for long enough, or take your pick from hundreds of other women attracted to your animal magnetism

*hugs*

Jo

[JRB]

I'm officially divorced. The papers came through while I was away. It didn't really mean much.

Wes/z,

I too know that you were ready for this, but I'm very sorry to hear that it has happened. Especially since you both say it wasn't what you wanted.

I don't think you're nuts to think that XW is coming back. Nor do I want to think you are nuts. As we have discussed before, my W needs to finish the D because it is what she has decided to do. If you're not nuts, maybe I'm not nuts either to wonder about a post-D reconciliation.

But you're right, you can't worry about it. You have to be ready to move on, DB if you have it in you, and just let what happens happen.

[dogma]

Hi,

Not nuts, just confused by that whole love thing.

It is over a year since XW moved out and over 6 months since the D is final and I keep thinking this is a phase she has to work through.

Ok, clearly we are nuts.

But we believed in something they do not. Committment, trust, honesty, family.

It really is about them and there selfish behavior.

And yet, there is always a place in our heart.

Bruce

[Just_Me]

Hi all,

I finally got a slap in the face and I think I woke up. Sure the interactions with my X-W have been for the most part good, but I haven't made enough effort on GAL and I also haven't given her the space she needs. My friend pointed out that she needs time to heal from our past R first and so do I.

So here's the scoop. We went to dinner together Wednesday. The movie together (with kids) on Friday, my X, her kids, and her parents over for dinner on Saturday. The movie was initiated by her, dinner by me. Anyway after dinner I started a R talk. Stupid. Essentially questioning why we are D and why we don't have a shot. I don't know what came over me. After that I tried to have a little talk to smooth the R talk over some and ended up nibbling on her and being on the floor..."heavy petting".

Again...stupid. Once should have been enough to tell me that, but I have to find out if this will cause her to draw away and feel guilty. Of course it did. Anyway, that ends the physical contact. I did say I didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship.

Actually my friend pointed out that I need to heal from this D and give her the time and space to work through her stuff. I know that is right. My problem is that I feel like I need some time with her as friends to "deposit love units", but maybe this isn't the time for that. Maybe this is the time for just letting her initiate every contact. Maybe I just need to be her friend when she needs it. At this point I'm worried about just stopping all contact at once. I have at least passed an e-mail or two each day, talked on the phone once a day at least, and got together once or twice a week. I don't know how suddenly no more e-mails, calls or anything else would be percieved.

Or then again, maybe this is the time to give up the ghost, work on healing my heart, and start over with someone that is willing to give me a shot.

What do you think?