If done in the right manner and right timing, I think it would be ok. You do bring up the question, as to whether you want her to have it.
XW quit wearing hers as soon as the bomb dropped and it was never mentioned, by either of us. Which kind of hurt my feelings.
She just called for the 2nd time this evening. Nothing important. ?????
I suspect you will know when to bring up the ring. And you may even consider telling her the truth, you were angry, but in hindsight you thought she might like to keep it.
Wes, you might want to look at it this way regarding the ring. Only the wedding band itself is the symbol of the vows and commitment. The engagement ring is a gift of the "offer" of matrimony, not really a symbol of the marriage itself. I, too, thought very strongly about asking my now XW about giving me the rings back because she had broken her promise to me and God. I realized I really didn't want it and even if I had the diamond remounted into something for myself, it would probably continually remind me of bitterness. So, I just let it go and forgot about asking for it. I totally agree that you have to give it back in a way that is totally innocent and non-commital. Good luck and take it slowly now that you have some baby steps coming your way.
Here's my quick update for the day. Hope my W isn't reading the thread at all.
Last night when I got home from work my W was already at the house laying on the bed while S-D played a game on the computer. I made some joking comment about what finding a woman on my bed meant. Anyway, I laid down next to her and made chitchat. Despite my vow that I wouldn't do any more physical stuff, etc...I did nibble on her and it kind of progressed from there to more heavy petting. After going quite a bit further she finally did say..."we can't do this" and that was it. She kind of hightailed it out of there. I felt pretty crappy about it...not because I wanted more...but because I didn't want her feeling bad about it. I also didn't want a setback. I called to say I was sorry if I pressured her, that I wasn't trying to mess with her head, and that I truly intended to knock off that stuff because I didn't want her to feel she couldn't be around me. So positive or negative? I'm not sure...I'm worried I will have pushed her away. I'll just give her space now. I think she will need time to think things through.
The only other thing...and a positive...is that her parents stayed over the last couple nights. Her mom and I had a pretty good convo about things. My W had told her also that things were really good between us.
That's it for updates.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It is encouraging that your W stayed on the bed after your comment and participated in the nibbling and petting. Too bad you weren't able to sense her growing discomfort and stop before she had to hightail it out. I guess that's the obvious lesson: if the opportunity arises again, take it slower, stop sooner, let her set the pace. Stop well before she gets uncomfortable, resist the temptation to test the limits. I know, you want so badly to be close to her, for things to be better. She is clearly ready for some amount of closeness, the trick is figuring out how to cultivate that without crossing the "too much, too soon" line that scares her away.
Great news about the in-laws and what W is telling them.
That moment of "uncomfortableness" really wasn't apparent until she jumped up. Before that it was just more "hot and heavy" She was shall we say "close to a certain point" and then we had kids coming back into the house. It more than anything broke up the action and then the guilt, etc came crashing in. The regret and guilt etc seemed pretty obvious. In retrospect I should have been the one to break it off. Ugghh. She indicated before that she is really concerned with sending mixed messages to the kids and also to each other.
But I'm definitely heeding the advice of not testing the limits. For quite a while I'm not even going to test anything. I am taking my cues in that regard completely from her. If she wants more from our "friendship" then it is up to her to initiate it. I'm scared at this point that it may have been a setback, but maybe with a little time and space that she will have a chance to evaluate her own motivations. I might have started the "heavy petting", but she definitely sustained it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
But be careful. The same events are likely being seen very differently by the two of you.
In the same way that you'd go back to the beginning in terms of boundaries and personal space for a new GF who reacted that way to you, give that gift to your W as well.
Don't make her do the work of rejecting you while you merrily press on to test her boundaries. Try backing off while polite and light, and keep a level of intimacy going non-physically for the next few encounters. And validate her feelings when she expresses concern.
Nicely done, Wes. You two definitely have some unfinished business.
Oh don't worry, I'm sticking entirely to non-physical stuff...or at least I'm not initiating anything. I did try to reassure her about it.
I wasn't going to initiate contact, but after yesterday I just wanted to get a sense whether the talking part of our R is still good. I called and basically just chitchatted a bit then let her go. I didn't make mention of the incident or ask how she was doing. I was hoping by not making anything of it that she would feel comfortable.
Anyway, JRB and Gabriel I think your read is spot on. I have tried to validate her concerns if she has them. I need a woman though to tell me how to get her to express them. It's usually so vague...like when she says "cotton-candy on the brain" or "it feels like I'm walking through deep water". I don't know what that means in terms of what she thinks of our R. It usually comes up when are R is good. I try the "what do you mean by that.", but haven't really got a good feel from her. Maybe I need a venusian translator. I think when she has cemented her thought processes that she'll come right out and tell me.
Oh well. I better get some work done. I have cotton candy on my own brain today.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Anyway, I laid down next to her and made chitchat. Despite my vow that I wouldn't do any more physical stuff, etc...I did nibble on her and it kind of progressed from there to more heavy petting. After going quite a bit further she finally did say..."we can't do this" and that was it. She kind of hightailed it out of there. I felt pretty crappy about it...not because I wanted more...but because I didn't want her feeling bad about it. I also didn't want a setback. I called to say I was sorry if I pressured her, that I wasn't trying to mess with her head, and that I truly intended to knock off that stuff because I didn't want her to feel she couldn't be around me. So positive or negative? I'm not sure...I'm worried I will have pushed her away. I'll just give her space now. I think she will need time to think things through.