If things had only started this way a month ago I might have been able to derail this D train. I think there is no chance that it will be called off before we're divorced. Unfortunately I feel like we are getting more connected every day. I think I'm finally on to what may work. Actually pursuing.
Today I talked to her several times on the phone in the morning. I swung by her place while test driving a car, then had her come to check out this other car. While there I pulled her to me and she didn't resist the hug.
Later this afternoon she came over and chose to sit by me on the small couch. I pulled her onto my lap and she stayed there letting me hold her for awhile. I offered her several choices...backrub and some sexual stuff. We actually had fun with the whole proposition game. It was very relaxed...nothing uncomfortable about it at all. The rest of the night was pretty similar in terms of physical stuff. A fair amount of hugging or just tender touching that she didn't necessarily pull away from. We talked later when it was just us and she said that she felt things were better than they've been in a long time. How come we are so good now? She did say she was concerned about this going too far...I think in terms of physical stuff. Some of our previous worst fights we had came up and I apologized and said I was stupid then. Stubbornly only interested in winning fights and being defensive that she was being critical of me.
Later she told me she thought I was a good man and didn't deserve for this to happen to me. I told her she was a good woman and I understood that with the way things were how this came about. We got pizzas to cook and had a pretty decent dinner. Unfortunately when we were planning on going to a movie my S-D did something that required punishment so she couldn't go to the show with us. I hugged her and thanked her for a great day. I told her I'd go to the mother's day thing but promised I wouldn't do any propositioning or the physical stuff since it might get weird in front of the family. A wonderful sign for me would be that she initiates that stuff while I'm there.
This was the best day I've had with her in months. I wish I had initiated days like this sooner, but maybe she just wasn't ready. I don't know.
Bruce, you wanted me to share. I feel like I've reached a point where no rejection, etc, can hurt me. I said some of the things that are considered pursuing (I told her I miss her and said..."is that wrong" and she told me no) and initiated physical stuff, but I didn't get the sense she didn't enjoy it or really want to ....just that she didn't know what to do with us.
Well, that's it for the night. i'm off to bed with my boys. I have no illusions. By next week or at most the week after, I will have that piece of paper that says I'm no longer married. But I feel more connected to her than I have in months. We talked through some old stuff that needed aired out. God I wish I had reached this point sooner, but maybe this was the pace it had to be.
Sage? Are you out there? You were always the one saying "don't do dark" and I feel you're right. Now what do I do? Just more of the same? So fellow fool committee, your thoughts?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
