I think that you are right, it does appear that she still has feelings for you. Her feelings may be confusing for her. I don't think that you should push it, I think what you are doing seems to be working. She seems comfortable enough around you, the fact that she hung around and talked with you while you were in the bath seems huge to me. It appears to me that maybe she is questioning her decision, but I don't really know. I wish I had the advice you are looking for but I don't. Thank you for responding on my post. I wish you luck. Linda
Ever have one of those days where you think..."if we actually get back together what are we going to do about 'X' problem?"
I'm having one of those today. My step-kids increasingly rule the roost at my W place. They are increasingly disrespectful of her and also throw fits of varying degrees to get their way. My s-son continues to sleep with his mom and so most nights basically chooses to go back over so he can sleep in her bed...before that he was fine with sleeping over. Last night my boys were with me and so was he. Usually he's fine with sleeping over on those occasions, but now he suddenly has a problem with it. Lastly, it seems the kids get the decision in things. For example when I've told my W about activities that my kids are doing and said "you're welcome to go", she often says "I'll see if the kids want to go". The answer if it involves something that isn't directly related to their fun is invariably "NO". Last night my step-son was coming over and when they got there I asked my W if she wanted me to throw a burger on the grill for her and my step-daughter. Her reply..."I'll ask s-d." and then came back with "S-D doesn't want to."
So, this is either her way of saying no without telling me directly she doesn't want to, or her kids are in charge. Actually she does far more babying of her kids now then when I met her. And they were closer to babies then.
How I interacted with her kids and how are kids interacted together is the largest reason for the separation and pending divorce. In fact, I think it is THE major reason. So my concern is that I am going to have my hands tied if they come back. I just don't know if I'll be able to handle the sitch if I'm not allowed to be a dad. MMMmm Anyone's thoughts? Should I just be happy I'm not back together?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Some possible explanations for her behavior: - She's afraid of the responsibility of decision-making now that you're not there to be blamed. - She's over-indulging them out of guilt. - She doesn't care right now - is distracted, depressed, ....
It sounds like one of those "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" issues. In all likelihood, their pushing for some decent boundaries and her frustration with them/this will come to a head and lead to change before you two reunite.
Definitely a cross that bridge when we come to it sort of thing. And I agree, probably a combination of things, but I think guilt is fairly big. I don't think she is distracted, but maybe depressed. She seems down fairly often.
It was just a thought. Probably a protective mechanism for me...an "if we don't get back together then at least that is one problem I don't have to deal with". Know what I mean? Kind of like if your spouse was say a spendaholic...you might say..."the problem will still be there so maybe it's best we don't get back together."
Probably just idle musings at this point,, but I feel our issues in this area, mainly my wife's issues with me, will have to be largely resolved if there is any hope of reconciliation. I'm not going to broach the subject at all...just be as much of a dad as she lets me be.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
No cutie, I meant that I have been divorced twice and each time it was the wife that insisted...but, two different women.
Wes, I agree with Gabe on the kids and lack of discipline at your W's home. I also agree that your W needs to find a reasonable resolution the two of you can work together on with respect to the kids if a reconciliation is to occur. It seems in second marriages, a divorce occurs because of the kids in like 90% of the cases. It seems to me that either insufficient or poor communication about child-rearing philosophies is a result. My xw never told me, "Now, you have to realize that I can make any commment about your sons, but don't you DARE say anything about my sons or daughter, especially my daughter, that is less than flattering. If you do, I will dump you in a heartbeat." If she had told me this was going to be the sitch, I would have never even proposed to her. Of course, for whatever reasons, she has blown way out of proportion many issues that served her purpose of justifying her divorcing me. The anger thing is yours alone to work on. I suggest you really get some help with that since only you can do it and if you are like me, it is a very, very difficult thing to get a handle on and requires a lot of intense effort to control, especially when the buttons are all pushed at the same time. Take care of yourself...work on yourself...GAL! And, by all means, don't give up!!!
I can completely see where you are coming from. In my case it was more that neither of us could say anything to the other spouse's kids. But we both to a fair share did discipline. It was just felt I was too mean to hers. She had a point and I've worked hard to be more laid back about her kids.
As far as:
Quote: The anger thing is yours alone to work on
Before I got married to her anger was not a big thing for me and even in the beginning it wasn't. As we got along more poorly and I was depressed I kept getting more angry. Actually since the bomb I have got reading material, etc, and went on meds and I actually haven't had anything that resembled the old angry outbursts since she left. I feel for the most part I have my emotions under control. BUT (big but here), I have the escape of being alone and don't have to keep anger at bay all day....so who knows how I would fair if back together. But my feeling is "pretty good" because I haven't had any anger issues outside of the marriage either. I've felt pretty happy and laidback again...more in line with the person I was before. I might have needed this separation as much as her to get myself back. I also don't believe there are "angry people", just people that have learned to handle their frustrations, fears, insecurities, unhappiness, etc with anger as their protective mechanism. Since it's just learned it can be unlearned or redirected to more useful ways of handling situations. Just my .02 on anger.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hi - just a thought that may be useful now too...there are books available to help parents of steps learn ways of handling the new dynamic of step families. It is indeed one of the hardest challenges to face. Also, I've seen seminars and such for these blended families to help everyone get along better. Try Googling the topic and see what you get. I'll bet you that the skills that you could learn will serve you well to learn them now.
Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to find a book on the subject. It will likely have to prove useful in a future relationship. This one is over. I can only be the kids' friend now rather than s-dad. Here's my update...
My W asked how the night went so I sent her an e-mail telling her about it. Here is her reply
Quote: Thanks for the update. He seemed fine this morning except for being mad at me for being late.
I know I'm a bugger. I don't blame you for hating me but I am going to sign today. I'm sorry. I'm not being cheap about it but I am sorry.
I called and said I'd run down at some point and sign too. I told her I wasn't mad and didn't hate her; that I understood she felt she was doing the right thing. I just said I am disappointed and disagree with you.
Then I took a note from Gabriel's book and wrote her back an e-mail.
Quote: Deborah,
It seems really weird that we've come to this so fast. Things kind of snowballed after January. I'm sorry too. Sorry that we couldn't work things out. I've given you enough apologies and what's more changed the things about myself that really weren't worth liking. I think that is apology enough. You always said that actions spoke louder than words.
This note is about forgiveness. I forgive you for all the things that contributed to the demise of our marriage and I'm sure they don't need listed. I forgive you for breaking up what we had. I know that you truly feel this is the right thing to do even if I do not. It's also about thanking you. I thank you for sharing your life with me. In a funny sort of way I thank you for this experience because it opened my eyes to what I can be.
I think that part of the purpose of our lives is to love and be loved in return. I truly love you with all my heart, but I also understand that it would be impossible to continue on with a relationship in which love was not returned. I hope you have a happy life. Take care of yourself and your wonderful, beautiful children. I'll offer you whatever support I can in your upcoming adventure. Love, Wes
Don't feel that this note is premature. Once this thing is signed by both of us there is nothing holding us back from D. No laws in this state require separation time. I'm going dark from her. It can't hurt me now and will give me some time to work on my book. Unfortunately I think I need to go dark from my s-kids for awhile too. I've really never let any of them experience what their new life truly is about. I'm celebrating with the kids tonight.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
