Any hope after divorce? Part deux

[Just_Me]

The last question is easiest. I know exactly what the divorce stuff will say. There is nothing in there except that we've agreed to everything. It doesn't specify what possessions we've agreed on or how to split up financial stuff. We already hashed that out. So there is not much to go over and no need for legal counsel. But I'll hold it for a while and look it over.

Okay in answer to others:

What problems do you think your w sees in this? (Perhaps these are things you've already encountered? or things you're speculating about?)

List some number of them and we'll figure out ACTIONS so that you can show your w that they are not insurmountable.

It's not a great deal of speculation. A) she felt I favored my kids over hers and visa-versa B) She felt my kids were too critical of hers (my s-d has some really significant learning and behavior issues) C) W felt I was too hard on her children. She felt when all the kids were together that her daughter was picked on.

So the actions I've taken: I've accepted her children as they are, taken them into my heart, and accepted a role as dad to them too. We've made reasonable progress. I've tried to be fair with all of the children and made sure to tell my boys to knock it off when ribbing is excessive or out of line. Have included everyone in activities. None of these things so far have made any difference to my W. She does let them stay over which is surprising considering I'm such a beast.

What are the MOST IMPORTANT changes that you've made that you really need to reinforce with w

I was generally angry before in the R. I read books on the subject, took anti-depressants and genuinely feel that those issues are so much improved. I've handled her worst things without getting especially angry.

SEE BELOW

UPDATE:
Well she called as I wrote this. She was once again discussing with the lawyer and wants me to buy her out of the house or at least think about what is fair. I didn't DB. I said I'll think about it and you think about why you want this divorce so bad. We also went back and forth on this and I could tell she was upset. I just wanted her to tell me straight out what she felt she deserved or what was fair.

Then I did more un-DB things and made her tell me what she thought the problems were. She said "you know what they are". I said "I'm not so sure. I need you to tell me." Her response...you have a selective memory. You know the problems. She did finally tell me...as expected...the kids and my anger. Nothing else came up.

The reason she lets the kids come over...I'm on my best behavior. And she says I'm still angry. She said I told her "no one is ever going to want a 40 year old woman with two kids" and that she cried for 3 days about that. I honestly never said that and told her so. I told her repeatedly that I never said that and I'm sorry if she thought I did. I told her that I felt many guys would want her including me. But I did say that I felt she couldn't completely shield her kids from the whole world and that these things would keep occurring again and again with any new relationship. I said that I felt with me they could have a good life.
In an un-DB manner told her I truly believed those issues were being resolved. That I had made those changes. I said that's how I am now...this is me. I said that part of the reason I didn't want this to go so fast is because I wanted there to be time for her to see the changes were permanent. Basically I did everything it says someone shouldn't.

She brought up the girls that were here last night...one in particular. I told her it was innocent but I don't know if she believes it. I do think that indicates a level of jealousy which shouldn't be there if she has no interest in me.

So, tonight clarified that I had the issues correct. That she doesn't feel I've changed. That it is temporary. I also figured out that her apparent anger tonight is at least partially driven by the girls here last night. Since that was totally innocent I am not going to feel bad about it or apologize.

I don't know if I have time to derail this train.

Oh sage, your last question. There is no law school here. The closest is 270 miles. That is what is going to cause the wrench in this works. But I will do a long distance marriage if it is a marriage.

I guess that's enough for now. I just have to keep on with the changes and maybe she'll recognize the changes over time. This sitch seems just like everyone else's. The funny thing is that while we are seeking to change our spouses have to do absolutely nothing. I can think of several major problems my wife had that I'd like to see resolved, but we can't even go there.

Ta ta. Have a good night all. And please give me some insight.

Oh sage, before you say it. I don't know that all the R talk and non-DB stuff was that terrible. She always chased me in this R. It is probably a 180 for me to chase her a bit. Well, I better cut this off.

Wes