Any hope after divorce? Part deux

[sage]

It gave me pause. I didn't know what to say if anything. Thanks for not being in a hurry?

How about "what would be a good time frame for you?"

or maybe even more to the point, "did you have a time frame in mind?"

Of course I know it's extremely easy for me to suggest unemotional responses NOW and not in the heat of the moment so don't think I don't get that...

I truly believe in my heart that there is a big part of my wife that doesn't want this. I feel that given time we could actually work things out. My problem is in trying to understand what obstacles stand in our way.

OK...can you hold in your heart and mind when you speak with her "there's a big part of her that may not want this?"

And...your speculation has likely given you some excellent fodder for places to focus, no?

My speculation is that at this point she is looking at the difficulties in melding two families into one and feels problems are insurmountable.

What problems do you think your w sees in this? (Perhaps these are things you've already encountered? or things you're speculating about?)

List some number of them and we'll figure out ACTIONS so that you can show your w that they are not insurmountable.

She also probably has a hard time trusting that the changes will be lasting....understandable.

What are the MOST IMPORTANT changes that you've made that you really need to reinforce with w?

We can't focus on everything...it's impossible NOT to backslide sometimes...so let's focus on the habits/traits that are critical to uphold.

I also wonder if now that she has her sights set on this new career path whether she feels it would be most easy and fair to be divorced first. Maybe she's afraid marriage to me would prevent her from chasing her dream.

Would it?

This one speaks directly at me because (as you may or may not know) one of the first hints of a bigtime crisis in my sitch was my h telling me one night he was quitting his (50% of our income) job the next day (which he did).

Then, quite a few months later, he decided to go to law school part time (which he did) and then decided to switch to full time (which he did). I shouldn't make it sound like the law school thing was done w/o discussion with me because it wasn't but it was pretty clear from the get go that it was his dream...

Can you imagine making room (openly, warmly, with no resentment) for your w's dream in your m and your life?

If so, let's figure out a way to convey that to her.

What if she brings the papers by? Should I just sign them? I'm guessing so. I haven't even retained counsel.

Wouldn't you need/want to read them first? Could you say "I think I'd like to read these over. Would you mine if I took a few days to review them?"


Sage