Yes he should feel he needs to toe the line--but that is within him, Deb can't make him do it, nor should she try. However, if he felt he was being forgiven and unconditionally loved, might he not WANT to toe the line?
When my H kept messing with OW, I just said fine, do what you want--I have other things to do (don't get me wrong here, I was devastated!). Started going out with a MF and when H found out, OW was immediately gone. He didn't care for her anyway, he just wanted to be "comforted". We stayed separated for almost a year while I DB'd and he started getting more comfortable.
But I know he probably wouldn't have come back if I had kept being a victim and watching his every move and been suspicious of his every thought. I had to let him go and figure it out for himself. This is NOT easy--it takes a lot of lip biting, counseling, reading and self-talk and working on my own issues that contributed to my H looking for "comfort" somewhere else. But the only way I was going to save my M was to forgive and learn to trust again. I think Deb's H really wants to stay with her but he is uncomfortable right now and trying to avoid the bad feelings. His guilt is huge but he does feel some relief that Deb now knows everything, and he is sharing stuff with her about OW.
Yes, he screwed up big time, but does that mean he doesn't deserve a chance to be trusted and forgiven. I say, treat them the way we want to be treated and eventually some of it will come back to us. It does take time and patience, but there has been a breakthrough here and it seems pretty positive to me--of course, this is all my opinion--take what you like and leave the rest.
