Sitting here waiting on some rain....it will give me an excuse not to work outside! LOL (You'd think I would have this gorgeous lawn/yard, now would't you? Think again!)
Quote: I know, but does it look/sound to you like I'm no longer on the tight rope?
I know this may sound like I am playing head-games with you and I apologize if I made you THINK that you were walking a tight rope because, honestly, I don't think you ever were. You created (like all of us here) the tight rope. I think that you had more power and control over this situation (namely yourself) than you ever thought you did.
As far as sliding back into your old self, well, I am sure that there are MANY qualities of that OLD self that your h much admired and was attracted to. I know that personally I find a woman who can install her own dishwasher extremely attractive! LOL (And I am a hetero!)
But if by OLD self you mean some of your bad habits and routines that could have caused your h to feel left out, well, Deb I think that you have learned that particular lessen the hard way. BUT (big but) I honestly do not think that you pushed him to the ow. I think that you THINK that, I think that h would like to blame you for it, but I do not think that it's your responsibility.
Your h has to own up to that and deal with it. He has to deal with the fact that you have forgiven him. I think that accepting forgiveness in the face of what he has done is probably the hardest thing he will ever do. It will at times make him bitter, angry, resentful and you will feel all of that from time to time.
It all goes back to patience, patience, patience. (yuck, yuck, yuck, IMHO) What other choices do we have other than divorce?
As for the catalog, who knows right now? But I guarantee you that you will know in time....credit card statements come every month! I guess you just have to ask yourself, "is it really worth it to torture myself until I find out?".
Quote: And I don't know how to get past it
Ahh, I wish I had the answer for this one. Trust is a big issue for me also. We become so bonded to our spouses that we look on them as extensions of ourselves. We feel that their behavior(s) reflect on us. And it becomes a issue of pride when they screw up.
Have you thought about taking these questions and doubts to a counselor? Can you explain again the pitfalls (in your particular situation) of going to a counselor? I know there are some issues there for you but I think that if you could work around them, a C may be helpful.
I hope some others here can also give some input on the whole trust/duped scenario.
