I'm almost a mess today, not quite, but hanging on by a thread. Well, a string maybe. I'm thinking how much I need to renew my GAL focus...and keep moving on. of course that probably partly has to do with the fact that right now my house is a mess, I can't work out for another week, and everything seems overwhelming. Add in the uncertainty I feel w/H, and yep, it's definitely a string I'm clutching.
I am kind of worried, taken aback, I guess. not sure if I should be. I didnt even get an anniversary card from H. Maybe he intended his email to take the place of one, but I've always gotten a card.?????????? I havent said a word, don't intend to, but still..........maybe it's still testing behavior...????
He seems warm and friendly enough, however he is suggesting we should go out next weekend for dinner rather than this weekend, because (he says) I'm not really feeling "up to par". I hope that's really it from his point of view. I just said "we could do that".
I try to reassure my self with his warmth and friendliness, but that doesnt even work, because even though when the A was new and hot and heavy he was usually distant and disdainful and hateful, there were times, when it was just starting I believe, when he was so "thoughtful", encouraging me to take care of myself. I recall a couple of times saying I was tired and he would say "You should just go ahead and rest as long as you need/want to". at the time I thought that was so nice, because he was always impatient with stuff like that before. Then I came to realize that there were in fact 2 reasons for his concern: 1), his guilt; and 2)if I was sacked out, I didnt know he was sneaking off w/ow and or on the phone all hours of the day/night. Sheesh.
Plus, it probably doesnt help that the w----s bday is 5/21, and of course H is signed up for a workshop on 5/20....That is S's last day of school, he's out at noon, maybe we will go somewhere to celebrate the end of school and not come back on Friday night.
It probably doesnt help that I got drive to work almost beside her. she pulled out in front of me on the way in, switched lanes with no turn signal several times, I finally just passed her and pulled over in front a couple of cars ahead. I pulled into the parking lot here 2 cars ahead of her and went to my "regular" spot which she delights in taking. She whipped around the corner past me, nearly ran over the accountant, went the wrong way down the parking lot at then backed into a place at the very end. I don't know if she was wound up or just her usual off the wall self, but I just shook my head at the accountant as he walked by, calmly got out of my vehicle and came into my office, so I was gone before she ever even came by where I was parked.
It's just this feeling of being in Limbo that is so hard, I guess. Things ARE better w/H and I, I don't think he can fake it that well, I just wish I could ever know that it (the A) truly is over, and it doesnt look like they're going to fire ow's butt here, so I will get to look forward to seeing her daily for a long, long time.
