Hi all...Pam and TC and Dawn and Padawan and all of you for your support and {hugs} and prayers. It helped more than you all will ever know to know you were thinking of me. and I thought of that many times, I swear I could FEEL your prayers. I am so humbled by and grateful for your support.
Actually the surgery went quite well, what the Dr. thought was tumor(s) were actually some polyps. He drained those and the rest of my sinuses, and so hopefully these ugly chronic sinus infections and related headaches will be a thing of the past. I've been surprised, actually the pain post-op is less than what I've gotten used to with the headaches. I have been incredibly tired, though, which caught me off guard. I didnt expect this, I mean it was just a day surgery, for heavens sake, but the Dr. says it's from blood loss (sorry to be gross) and to be expected to last about 2 weeks and actually I'm doing fine.
Emotionally, I'm kinda weird, I'm sure it's related to being so tired, but some of it I'm sure comes from my sitch. Which, if I were able to be more objective about, I think is probably, maybe, actually doing some better.
last weekend was very stressful for H, he had to take D on a 2 hour drive to pick up a car the night before my surgery, and then the day of and day after were kinda draining for him. At points he felt kind of distant to me, probably partly because he was, and because I would have latched on tight given a chance.
I've been working hard to keep a grip on myself, not pushing or demanding of H, but warm and pleasant and inviting even though I've had some hugely anxious moments. I've chewed the end off of my tongue to avoid making any mention of ow, altough in my anxiety I've come so very very close to asking him if things were back "on" between them. What I see is that his distant times are terrifingly like the "just before the bomb" days, and they still have the power to elicit terror in me. Hard to deal with.
OK, so to explain some of these ramblings. The evening of my surgery, H left for about 2 1/2 hours to go to a co-workers going away party. I never saw any notice of this party or invitation to it, it would not be unusual for it to have been circulated just in their department, but that still raised my anxiety a notch. H did mention it several weeks before my surgery was even scheduled; when the surgery was scheduled, I told him I'd be fine, to go ahead and go......so, he did . I actually was fine, mostly asleep that whole day, and I could have dialed 911 had I needed. H came home about an hour earlier than I expected him, and wanted to know if I was ok, said he'd had his cell on but never got any calls. Maybe part of his distance was guilt, I don't know, but I havent thrown it up to him, I see it in part as an opportunity to out-GAL ow (she's the one who cant' mow her own yard, etc....). Of course, I agonized and had a hard time not saying anything, worrying about if ow was at the party. Weirdly, H wanted to ML that night. Worked for me, but just struck me as odd.
Saturday morning, H went to work (?) as always, made the comment that he wouldnt if it wasnt the end of the month ??????; however I do know there's a lot more paper work to be turned in then. I commented about him not wearing his ring (he hasnt worn it for 2 weeks now, which sets my anxiety level at about a fever pitch) and he said he couldnt because his finger is still swollen and sore, and he'd shown me that (true) and that the fact that he wasnt wearing it didnt mean there was anything going on or wrong between us (????????? maybe not but it sure did before????). I told him I could get it stretched, and he said then his finger would go down and it fit. I said I wasnt going to bug him about it, and havent said a word since. It has occured to me that h has gained a little weight in the last year (maybe that means the A is over/ending?) and his ring probably is tight. In fact he commented once in the last few months that he wanted to lose enough weight to have it fit again rather than having it stretched. So, maybe...but regardless, I have to let go of it. I cant control it, so why bother with it?
Sunday, I felt well enough to plant a few flowers in pots while H walked. It was nice to get some fresh air, and he always comes up and hugs me anymore when I'm out planting flowers. Have no clue what that's all about. Sunday night H initiated ML again....???...
Monday I stayed home from work, Monday evening H did invite me to walk with him, but I declined, because I just didnt feel strong enough to keep up with him for 3 miles. I did tell him thanks for the invite, and that i'm looking forward to going with him next week.
Tuesday I stayed home again, feeling really pooped. H seemed "distant" in some odd, intangible way, perhaps due to my own weirdness. I broke down and asked him as he was leaving if he was irritated at me for some reason, and he seemed surprised and asked why, I told him it just seemed that way...managed to not say anything about ow or my fears and anxieties. H said he was sorry, he wasnt irritated, he was just rushed and trying to focus on getting out the door.
I just read some of Sage's thread, and i had to laugh, because she identified what I think must be the same feelings and anxieties. It helps so much to know I'm not the only one with them.
I felt pretty down and anxious all day Tuesday, frankly I stewed and fretted (that's the day he's here w/ow)then about 6 pm I found a message on the answering machine that made me cry...he had called about 5:30, evidently I was out feeding critters or sticking flowers in their pots. I have the message memorized, although it wasnt all that big a deal to the "untrained ear". H simply said "Hi, it's just me, I was just calling to see how you are doing today Deb. I'm waiting for my client to get here and thought I could talk for a minute if I caught you. well, I guess I'll see you later tonight" (he gets home about 9 on Tuesdays) I actually leaned against the door frame and cried and thanked God when I got that message. For some reason it meant/means so much to me. When h got home, I told him thanks for the message and that I was really sorry I'd missed his call...he said "you should have answered". I still don't know what that meant????
Sometime Tuesday evening after he got home, and/or Wednesday morning, he started complaining about the medical staff here at work...why do we even have them if they can't do such and such and help us, and do you know what happened to (another clinical staff member) because of what they didnt do...just real irritated towards the med staff. It was interesting to me that the staff member he was standing up for is a young single mom that he's accused of "whoring around" on weekends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what he's heard of her activities (at least she's SINGLE!) has to have come from ow...so it struck me as interesting that now he's taking this other gal's side.
Last night I took S to religion class, and H had to work later. I left him a note to not erase his answering maching message. I actually plan to tape it, his voice is just so sweet in it. It's a real keepsake to me. now is that adolescent or what? We were both really pooped last night, but a bedtime H surprised me by intiating ML again, and he was very enthusiastic. I am still confused by why he seems to want sex so often. However, that's one flow I can go with, so i don't worry about it much, just ponder sometimes. He held me very sweetly and tenderly afterwards, which still strikes me as being night and day different from how he used to be.
Today is our 26th wedding anniversary. I'm just kinda blown away by that, for MANY reasons. I hadnt heard from him this morning and was feeling kinda down, then about 11 I got this email:
Quote: Hey you, I’ve only a second as my client’s out in the lobby. Man, one after the other again. I just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary. Thanks for 26 years!! Love you D--
It's only a few words but it meant so much, I got kinda teary eyed. It truely seems miraculous that we've ever gotten to this point, especially given the last 2 years. but maybe they needed to happen for us to be able to get here.
I've had several other "chatty" emails from him today. We will go out to eat to celebrate our A and Mday this weekend, with S12 in tow I imagine, but that's ok. Probably doesnt seem like much of a celebration to a lot of folks, but it feels pretty much like an almost-victory dinner to me.
So, here's volumn XIIIVII of my saga. guess I'll stop, although I have a little more to post.
I dunno, any suggestions for what to do next on my part????
WHY is he so into sex these days? I can only hope for good reasons!
Do you all think the phone message and todays email are good signs, or am I reading too much into them????? I want so much to be able to believe that the teeny tiny baby steps are about to turn into giant (well, at least big) strides.
. I actually was fine, mostly asleep that whole day, and I could have dialed 911 had I needed. H came home about an hour earlier than I expected him, and wanted to know if I was ok, said he'd had his cell on but never got any calls. Maybe part of his distance was guilt, I don't know, but I havent thrown it up to him, I see it in part as an opportunity to out-GAL ow (she's the one who cant' mow her own yard, etc....). Of course, I agonized and had a hard time not saying anything, worrying about if ow was at the party. Weirdly, H wanted to ML that night. Worked for me, but just struck me as odd. 
