I dunno, I'm in a weird weird place tonight. I passed ow in the hall at work today, she was probably at foot away from me at the most. I didnt avoid her, I looked her right in the eye, and I think it was a "cool" look, although I think my nose may have crinkled involuntarily. She squeaked out a tiny little "hi"...and I thought she looked intimidated. I don't know, why would she look intimidated and squeak out a "hi"?????? I sure remember, quite painfully, horribly painfully, actually, when she had this cold glare in her eyes and a nasty smirk on her face and she walked with a wiggle in her a$$ and a toss of her head. And I was miserable and depressed and tearful and wanted to die. I can't figure out why she would bother to squeak out "hi"...
This happened within an hour of when I was praying for strength to forgive her.
I also parked purposefully 2 spaces over from her this afternoon, I felt strangely calm in choosing to do so. it just all feels so weird. I don't think she saw I was parked there, as I was out of the office later when she got off work. but she was gone when I got back at right around 5, so she's not waiting around, or at least didnt today, for H to get back from out of town, which I used to think she did. We'll see if she stays out of the building tonight when I pick up S.
Not much to report with H, he is pleasant and warm, says ILY first sometimes, said he's looking forward to a little time together for tv when I get home, and "maybe we can have some snuggle time and even naughty time after that".
I'm not sure what to make of any of it, and am especially puzzled as to why ow looked and sounded so intimidated today. I don't believe I was mistaken about that.
Hiya Deb - Welcome to your new thread, I just managed to get caught up here.
Now, you know wondering about ow, and why she might have squeaked, is a cheeseless tunnel, right? She is not worth your time. Think about the morphing momma - what's new with that?
thanks Pam and Slowly, Good morning to both of you, and yes, Slowly, You're absolutely right, I gotta keep hunting for the cheese. I needed to be reminded of that.
Yesterday was kind of an interesting evening. I've gotta go to an out of town meeting, but will post about it later this afternoon.
Havent had a minute to post so thought I would real quickly. I'm still in a weird place, anxious I guess over surgery tomorrow, and anxious about H. I think objectively the surgery is probably not much to be anxious about, and there is less about H to be. I'm so anxious I've eaten alot today, and it feels icky!
Last night was kinda weird. sure enough, ow now has her D come out to the parking lot to meet her after the kids class at church, don't know why, but this is different in about the last 2 months.
When we got home, H was still working out in the basement, made me impatient because I wanted him to be ready to just "veg out" with me for a while. I didnt say anything at all, and after we'd been home about 1/2 hour, he came up to watch tv, and purposely sat down beside me in the love seat instead of his recliner, and actually held my hand. it was nice, we just laughed and chatted, talked w/S and the dog and cat....this should make me thrilled, it's one of my goals being met, BUT, I'm afraid I cant help but recall that the last time h did this was the day of the infamous 8-hour road trip 2 days before xmas. And of course then I'm suspicious and anxious all over again. When we went to bed, H initiated ML, but couldnt "finish" , which increased my anxiety and worry.
This morning I told him it made ME feel bad, kind of like a failure, and he said "you?!" in surprise, then told me not to worry, hes just really pooped a lot in the middle of the week. which is true, it seems if theres going to be a problem, that's when it is
this evening, H was going into the office with a male co-worker when I pulled in right behind him...I rolled down my window quickly and said "hey good looking"...H turned, the co-worker turned with a naughty grin and said "well hello there"...and I said Hi to him....H laughed like he really did think it was funny. not too long ago NOTHING but NOTHING made him laugh.
I was just over the other building, and saw that ow is taking 1/2 day off tomorrow. THAT makes me nervous and anxious because who knows what they might be planning while I'm "out of it" from surgery. BUT maybe nothing, maybe H is truthful when he tells me it's over and he doesnt keep track of what she's doing. I don't know why its so hard for me to believe that. I really need and want to.
It did occur to me though what a hopeless and depressing sitch it would be for him to be if ,every time ow does ANYTHING whether or not it is related to him, I come down on H about it. I mean, he really doesnt have control over what she does, and it would be a perfect way for her to get even/make trouble to do things to make that happen.
I gotta keep my mouth shut and keep focusing on positives, drawing him to me...
MAYBE it's already happened, I don't know. Poor S commented tonight how "you could just feel it building" when his dad was planning something w/ow before. The kid said he even dreamed about things before they happened when he got that sense of "feeling it building". Weird, but I know what he means, and inspite of last nights performance problems, I don't think I'm picking up those vibes.
Hi Deb, I think you said it very well in what I pulled from your last post (directly below):
Quote: I gotta keep my mouth shut and keep focusing on positives, drawing him to me...
I have been trying to keep up with your sitch and personally (I think) there are many positives going for you right now. I think that you need to drop any conversation/insinuations, etc.. about ow or your H betraying you. From different things you have relayed here, it is sounding like he is trying hard (as hard as he is able to right now) to get back to where he should be. It will take time. Things will definitely "pop up" that might make you "wonder". It doesn't matter .. you have to keep looking at the whole picture and knowing that it is gradually getting better.
While doing that .. you need to continue "morphing". Continue working on you! Keep doing "something different" .. that may catch your H off-guard. (Of course you'll make sure the "something different" will be good things!)
Keep On Keeping On, Deb. I really think you are getting there.
I have been out of town this past weekend and then I lost you! I hope this finds you feeling better physically and emotionally. I hope you got all the TLC that you deserve! Please update us on your surgery when you can.
I, too, thought it was very touching that H played those songs for you. It was probably all the things he wanted to say but didn't think that he could say it as well himself. And I do think that he wanted you to stay put when he let the dog out. All good things here Deb.
Try your best not to over-analyze and just go with the flow and enjoy life as best you can.
I am proud of the way that you handled the close encounter with ow. She was probaly so blown away by your proud stance that she nervously (and without thinking) gave you that "hi".
But our first concern will be your health. Please let us know how you are feeling....
Hi and (((Hugs))) To You Deb! I (quite obviously) did not previously "catch" that you were going to be having surgery. I certainly hope that all went well and that you are on your way to a speedy recovery!!
, which increased my anxiety and worry.