Havent had a minute to post so thought I would real quickly. I'm still in a weird place, anxious I guess over surgery tomorrow, and anxious about H. I think objectively the surgery is probably not much to be anxious about, and there is less about H to be. I'm so anxious I've eaten alot today, and it feels icky!
Last night was kinda weird. sure enough, ow now has her D come out to the parking lot to meet her after the kids class at church, don't know why, but this is different in about the last 2 months.
When we got home, H was still working out in the basement, made me impatient because I wanted him to be ready to just "veg out" with me for a while. I didnt say anything at all, and after we'd been home about 1/2 hour, he came up to watch tv, and purposely sat down beside me in the love seat instead of his recliner, and actually held my hand. it was nice, we just laughed and chatted, talked w/S and the dog and cat....this should make me thrilled, it's one of my goals being met, BUT, I'm afraid I cant help but recall that the last time h did this was the day of the infamous 8-hour road trip 2 days before xmas. And of course then I'm suspicious and anxious all over again. When we went to bed, H initiated ML, but couldnt "finish" , which increased my anxiety and worry.
This morning I told him it made ME feel bad, kind of like a failure, and he said "you?!" in surprise, then told me not to worry, hes just really pooped a lot in the middle of the week. which is true, it seems if theres going to be a problem, that's when it is
this evening, H was going into the office with a male co-worker when I pulled in right behind him...I rolled down my window quickly and said "hey good looking"...H turned, the co-worker turned with a naughty grin and said "well hello there"...and I said Hi to him....H laughed like he really did think it was funny. not too long ago NOTHING but NOTHING made him laugh.
I was just over the other building, and saw that ow is taking 1/2 day off tomorrow. THAT makes me nervous and anxious because who knows what they might be planning while I'm "out of it" from surgery. BUT maybe nothing, maybe H is truthful when he tells me it's over and he doesnt keep track of what she's doing. I don't know why its so hard for me to believe that. I really need and want to.
It did occur to me though what a hopeless and depressing sitch it would be for him to be if ,every time ow does ANYTHING whether or not it is related to him, I come down on H about it. I mean, he really doesnt have control over what she does, and it would be a perfect way for her to get even/make trouble to do things to make that happen.
I gotta keep my mouth shut and keep focusing on positives, drawing him to me...
MAYBE it's already happened, I don't know. Poor S commented tonight how "you could just feel it building" when his dad was planning something w/ow before. The kid said he even dreamed about things before they happened when he got that sense of "feeling it building". Weird, but I know what he means, and inspite of last nights performance problems, I don't think I'm picking up those vibes.
, which increased my anxiety and worry. 
