Just checking in, I guess to "journal" more than anything. Had session (individual, of course) with C tonight. She keeps telling me to take care of and be concerned about myself and stop trying so hard to second guess H and trying to accommodate all his needs like I've done seemingly all my life. She's not a "DB" counselor, and I don't know that if she were she'd advise me any differently - maybe - but she's encouraging me to stop letting him use me for a free place to stay and constant moral support while he continues with OW and refuses MC. I think the DB way would be to let him stay at home and be "roomies" and just let him watch me GAL and not be concerned with his life at all....but I honestly don't think I can continue to do that. It's affecting me physically. I can't continue to attend his new church with him knowing the hypocrisy he's living - I don't want that to affect me spiritually. I think I'm losing respect for myself - and yet I keep reading on this board of all the folks who are trying so hard to stick with their H or W, even with them carrying on EA/PA practically in their own homes. Can I do that? How long could I hold out? Am I being unreasonable to want commitment from him? Could I be able to work through it in stages? How can we do that if he won't agree to work WITH me with MC? SHould I just cut my losses now and leave myself, given that he's about to start this graduate program at the same time as pastoring a new church as well as all his community work, which means he'll be less and less available to me - which means, following his typical pattern, he'll turn to OW who is moving in his new circles? Do I set myself up for this again or protect myself?
Weepy again. I can tell it's also all the Mother's Day hype around. My mother died this past June - this will be the first without her and it's hard already. I want to cry on his shoulder but I don't want him to feel sorry for me. Yet showing my raw hurt would definitely be a 180 for me. I guess as long as I don't "use" it and give him any impression that I want him to stay because he feels concern for me in that way.
Walking to the train from the therapist tonight I thought about how much I've learned about myself and about relationships over these past few months, and how sorry I am that H isn't willing to do the same with me, or willing to work with me with what I've learned.
I can't believe I'm still teary. At some point don't you risk just drying up and blowing away in the wind??? Maybe this is a new reservoir flowing from my grief about my mother and mixing with the drops from the grief over the loss of my marriage.
Okay - starting to talk in imagery - must be time to go to bed. Thanks for listening - God bless you all.
