Do I love him? YES. Do I want to be married to him? Yes - BUT not the same marriage we had before. And I don't think he's going to be willing to put in the work to improve the way EACH of us is in our relationship, and I don't think he's going to be willing to do the things I'll need in order for me to heal and be reassured after his EA/PA (he'd probably say that the things I need are the things he needs me NOT to demand in order for HIM to feel like HE'S recovered from the things that "drove" him to OW - sorry - I've been feeling so ANGRY today for some reason).
It's probably all moot anyway - see link above for details about the upcoming "May 1" deadline. I have no expectations whatsoever, and I have totally absolutely NO expectations that he's looked for any C for us both to talk to.
I've just been a raging ball of anger today - couple of days ago I was a weepy rag of hurt. Don't know which I prefer.
Anyway - I have no idea what he's going to say on May 1. I actually may be more ready for him to say he's definitely leaving than that he wants to stay. If he says he's leaving but wants to be roomies until his student housing opens up I really don't think I can say yes to that.....is that anti-DB? If he says he's staying but isn't willing to "work" on us, I don't know if I want that - but the DB way would be to just be glad he's physically around, right? I don't know if I can handle that either.
Did I mention that I'm a confused tangle of confusion as well, pretty much constantly?....
