Ohio, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. But what positive steps do you see in my post? I see nothing but cruel and painful hypocrisy and I'm feeling increasingly used and humiliated. I think the only reason he hasn't moved out yet is because he wants a free place to stay until his student housing opens up later on or he and his OW can find a place together, and he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to move twice. I KNOW he's going to ask if he can stay until then if he starts to share the rent. I bet the "correct" DB response would be to tell him yes, because it's better - in DB world - to have him here than not - but I just don't know if I can handle it emotionally....Sure, pay me some rent and that's supposed to make me feel okay about you leaving me for OW???
I'm sorry to be so down, but I need to vent before I blow up at him. I'm so disgusted with myself - of course in the course of my day I buy him the drink he went looking for last night and couldn't find, and I tear out an article from a paper I know he'd be interested in - why am I such a fool for him??? Do you know one of the things he actually told me when I (before DB) made him tell me why on earth he had been thinking I didn't love him anymore was that one thing was when I gave him gifts I wasn't enthusiastic enough - he actually demonstrated what I DIDN'T do in terms of being bouncy and smiley and touching him as I gave him the gifts. !!!!! I CANNOT empathize because I DON'T KNOW WTF IT FEELS LIKE TO GET A FREAKIN' GIFT AT ALL!!!! The last time he gave me something was Vanetine's Day when I specifically asked for something. The time before that was a Cinnabon after he dropped the BOMB and was being all solicitous. The time before that was a couple of years ago when he got me some earrings I admired right there in the shop with him - and I don't even remember the last time before that. Forget about having to "suffer" getting gifts given not enthusiastically enough - what does it feel like AT ALL to get something from someone who is thinking about you and what you like or need or would be interested in when they're not right there in your face???? WHY do I even want to stay with this man????
I'm sorry - I just need to vent before I say these things to him - thank you for letting me - please keep praying - I've been so teary today...I really thought I was cried out...
