So yesterday I go with H, who is a minister, to a church where he's preaching 3 sermons for a friend's church anniversary. After the 1st service, I deliberately avoided being around him to as to avoid the awkward introductions ("This is..."B"...my... ('oh God, can't say 'wife' - what do I say - okay, just leave it at that...')") and because he didn't recognize me when he spoke it was easy. The the 2nd and 3rd service he introduced me and had me stand up - 2nd time he called me "friend, wife and better part of myself" and 3rd time he added "the love of my life." - WTF????? It wouldn't have been so galling if I hadn't backslid and checked his cell phone that morning and saw the usual 10 calls a day to OW or seen bank deposit slips to her bank in his wallet, or seen his doodling on paper in front of the computer that were clearly budget notes for his expenses when he leaves me next month. I know you're not supposed to try to figure out what WAS or MLCers are thinking, but geez! How conflicted. In a way it's seeming to make detaching a little bit easier - he's freaking crazy and evil to be able to say that from the pulpit full well knowing that he's going to call that stupid f**** c**** OW the first chance he gets.

And then when we got home we had the weirdest episode. He was on the computer and I walked in and he was going through his suspected spam on his email and there was a porn ad and I said "If you come into the living room I'll do some of that to you - yeah?" - VERY bold for me! And he just looked at me. And I looked at him full in the face for an answer. And he pulled me to him and held me in the chair. And I raised my head to look at him and say, "Well?" And he wouldn't say anything. So eventually I just got up and left and went in the bedroom and we both fell asleep separately. I woke up a few hours later and went to check on him - went to pull the covers down because he was getting sweaty. As I was walking away he woke up and pulled me down to lie down on him on the couch. Eventually I started ML - he very willingly cooperated! - for a while at least, then he stopped me, held me, said "I love you so much", got up and left and started returning phone calls. I got dressed and left the house without saying a word just to drive around and get over my humiliation. When I came back home and hour or so later, his car was gone. He called me on my cell phone soon after I got home and said "Where did you go?" I said just to drive around for a bit. He said he was at the store down the street and was calling to see if I wanted anything, and he came home a little while later. All very pleasant. After we'd been there a while I went back into the bedroom to lie down. He came in later and wrapped himself around me and said "I'm sorry about earlier." I said "What are you sorry about?" - because I truly didn't understand WTF had happened. After a while he said "I'm sorry for everything I'm putting you through." And then he started ML to me. Stayed in bed with me the rest of the night. This morning shared with me an email from someone who wrote him to say how much the services yesterday meant. Later today after he left I had to call him before I left to run errands to ask him if he wanted cash or just a check from me to pay him back for paying rent this month (I always pay but was busy and he took care of it this month). He started to say "We can talk about it - I'm trying to figure out...well, never mind, a check is fine." Guess he wants my advice on how to budget for when he moves out, since I've taken care of the lion's share of our expenses for so long while he's been in school.

And in addition to not believing that this is my life right now, I feel extra guilt from the added aspect of the fact that he's a minister - I'm not one who worships clergy - I know they're flawed humans - but in the back of my head I can just hear people who are looking for excuses to hate organized religion saying "Well, they're all hypocrites so why should I believe?" - so I feel extra bad that this is "ammunition" for those who are reading this.

Goodness I can't belive I've rambled this long - but somebody help me sort through this or tell me to stop trying and just let go or what????