Hey Tessa - I was just reading part of your thread and I know how you feel about the sex thing. When H and I separated we still had sex, it was initiated on both parts equally, it played on both our emotions good and bad - for me it was many reasons - I loved my H and wanted him back, we had great sex and I was getting even w/OW at the same time. In the end I did win out - but not for long.....since then we have done tons of back and forth, and right now I'm back to the begining of DR again....I've been at this for a year so maybe this time I'll get it right lol!
I decided after the first time I would go that route again if it killed me!................and trust me it's killing me! But I did learn that I got more response and results by not sleeping with him and it was much less emotional for me - realizing H could go back and forth as long as I let him helped too.
But you'll figure out whats best for you and I wish you luck!
It's good to hear from someone who's lived it both ways. I've been wishing H and I could get our groove on again, but sounds like I'm probably better off with the chastity belt.
I mean, we had lots of sex leading up to this, and it certainly didn't solve anything!
Quote: Ok, NY I must clarify......... I meant I needed you to yell at me, to lecture me, to sternly tell me -- to straighten up and stop messing up
Oh I knew that, I was jesting. But... I'm a bit disappointed that you think of me as the yelling and lecturing type. So... ummm... straighten up and stop messing up.
NY, I thought you might be jesting w/me - but I just had to clarify, I don't want to get a bad reputation
Well maybe your not the yelling type but you do a good job of keeping the rest of us in line.....Thank ya!
Journaling,
Yesterday my H and I spent over 8 hours together. He took me for a drive into areas that he used to make deliveries to in his previous job. It was my idea to do something together. But it was his idea to make the trip as long as it was. He did come in afterwards and well... .....what can I say, I am weak.... I think for now, I'm not going to worry about whether it's right or wrong. As of right now, I don't see any negative results. At the very least, it brings him to the house and gives me an opportunity to show him changes in myself and in the house.
After our outing on Sunday, before he left, he asked me if I enjoyed the day. Of course, I told him that I did. He said it "wasn't bad" when I asked him how the day was for him. ("not bad" is my H way of saying something is good, I learned that a long time ago)
Today I got a phone call from my best friend, she has two extra tickets for a concert on Saturday. So I told her I would go. Which is actually very different for me. See this Saturday is the Memorial day parade and my house is right along the parade route. This year, H is still going to be in the parade, and my family can still use my front porch, but I'm not going to be here.
So I did tell my H that my friend had an extra ticket and he was welcome to join us, if he was interested. He replied, "I really can't, sorry". Then I ended up talking to him later. He told me he would take care of our dog for me since I'll be staying away overnight. Then he went on to say, "it might be good for me to be alone and bored while your out having fun". Yeah, it will do him some good -- see what life without me will be. Actually, I think he's already experienced this feeling of being alone and bored when I've been out before. Gotta keep that up!
The problem is that everday I keep messing up w/my BIG mouth!!!!!! So I've made some good changes thus far but I can't seem to keep my mouth under control. While I work on making the other changes that I have made stick, I must concentrate on my diarrhea of the mouth issue.
I can't change the past but I can avoid the same mistakes in the future! So I just had about a 15 minute conversation w/H before I started posting. I didn't say anything wrong .
I'm also taking care of several home improvement projects - yeah, that's something new. In the past, I would complain because H didn't take care of things. I have found out that he doesn't like to take care of these types of things but he seems to get offended if I don't consider his opinions. So I'm thinking about a win-win solution. I can ask H for his ideas and opinions and make sure that i consider and use them. But I now know that i need to be the one to make the phone calls, plans and arangements to get the projects done.
I got caught up in the idea that the "man" was suppose to take care of those types of projects. But lately I have been surprising myself and others at just how much I can do myself. A portion of the these projects I am actually doing myself, and it's turning out really well. With the rest, I'm picking up the phone and making phone calls. Getting estimates, budgeting out the money, and really just making things happen. I think that is what he has wanted all along. When we were dating, I was a person that made things happen and got things done. Then I stopped doing that and looked to him to take over when he didn't want to. But it's ok, I can be that person again.
I'm feeling confident that I make this marriage work, if my H decides he wants to commit to it again. I see so many things I did wrong, but more importantly, I see what changes need to be made to not repeat those things again. I can have some control in whether this works or not, just by controlling myself..........
Now my mouth, that's a different story......anyone have some duck tape?
Tonite - 15 minute phone call initiated by H to ask me how my day was . I didn't say anything bad....I'm happy that I was able to filter the words out of my mouth. I may have talked too much but the subjects were completely safe. I wasn't trying to talk alot, I was just telling him about my day at work......
And it was an interesting day -- I started out on the elevator, on my way to the office to get my assignment for the day and realized my pants were on backwards......
You sound so great in this posting!!! I think you are making some incredible changes and becoming aware of how much control you do have in your M.
Quote: So I'm thinking about a win-win solution.
i love this thought. That's always been my approach. Not asking my H to give up something or do something he doesn't want to but to see how we can both have what we want. Even though it hasn't worked with him, I still believe it's the best way to work through things.
Quote: When we were dating, I was a person that made things happen and got things done. Then I stopped doing that and looked to him to take over when he didn't want to. But it's ok, I can be that person again.
Have you looked at the 5 Love Languages? I took the quiz yesterday and even though I knew my top LL I was a little surprised that I had two LL that were equal. It actually explained some things for me. If things are getting better with your h it may be a good opportunity for both of you to take the quiz on the site below.
Quote: I'm feeling confident that I make this marriage work, if my H decides he wants to commit to it again. I see so many things I did wrong, but more importantly, I see what changes need to be made to not repeat those things again. I can have some control in whether this works or not, just by controlling myself..........
isn't it empowering to realize how much of a difference we can make by ourselves, rather than looking outside at everyone else??? of course your h has made his own mistakes but it's really not useful to dwell on somethign that you cannot change!!
I'm so glad to see how well you are doing!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I just took the quiz. I scored the highest in PT (12), coming in second was a tie between WOA and QT. It fits...
I don't think I can suggest to H to take this yet. He just wants to work on our friendship right now. So I must respect that and not try to push anything.
I really want to ask him to eat dinner tonight - but I think I need to back off for a while. I did send him a few text messages on my way home from work. 1. Asking if he needed cash. He replied he had enough and said "you keep it, you deserve it".
2. I thanked him for mowing the grass and disposing of the dead squirrel. (I am thinking that he wants to feel appreciated, so I'm making it a point to thank him for anything that he does for me. I want to develop the habit, so it stays for good.)
3. He then sent me a text stating that he also took away the old storm windows - I replied Cool, thanks. He sent back, your very welcome. (Again, showing appreciation, I do believe that is important to him)
So I'll resist the urge to call him and ask to eat dinner together. I have heard from him every night for at least a week now, so maybe he'll call me. I do want to talk about my day at work. I had a really good shift and I feel like I'm starting to fit in. I'd love to share that with him. But I have to remember not to talk too much.
I'm thinking of closing this thread and starting a new one. One in which I stop whining about my feelings and start some extreme DBing. I've been reading through the older threads and finding alot of valuable information. And I've come to the conclusion that it is time to stop feeling and start doing!!!!!!
Quote: And I've come to the conclusion that it is time to stop feeling and start doing!!!!!!
Amen! Me too!!!! And I have to remind myself that sometimes "doing" means "not doing" (ie not calling with ridiculous, unnecessary over-explanations of my neurotic self)
FEELING like crap - and what's that getting me? Now DOING... that always puts me in a good place.
.....what can I say, I am weak.... I think for now, I'm not going to worry about whether it's right or wrong. As of right now, I don't see any negative results. At the very least, it brings him to the house and gives me an opportunity to show him changes in myself and in the house. 
Yeah, it will do him some good -- see what life without me will be. Actually, I think he's already experienced this feeling of being alone and bored when I've been out before. Gotta keep that up!