I honestly cannot remember how long the longest has been for us to not communicate. He moved out in November and through Nov and Dec we actually spent time together regularly - he split his time between the two of us. The in Jan and Feb we fought alot. I pursued and I'll give him credit, unless he was with her, he always answered his phone. So I starting turning things around on my end about mid-march. When I stopped calling him, I guess he went about two weeks before he really started initiating contact w/me. The evening he started contacting me he sent me a total of 20 text messages and called and talked to me. Things have slowly improved since then - but it's like we take a few steps forward and then a couple steps back and over and over. I have to be really careful not to react to the attention he does give me. Several months ago he made the comment to me "Everytime I start crawling towards you, you come running at me knock me over". So I know that is something that I have to be diligent about keeping in check.
My H would sometimes call just to talk but disguise it in "pratical" calls. It's hard to tell.......
It has helped to miss some of his calls and wait to reply to his text messages. As far as not answering his calls, I'm not good at that - but my cell phone does not have service at my Mom's and some places that my friend and I go, so I've missed his calls purely by accident. But it was a good thing.
I don't know Anna, except I know there is no time frame for these things. I read through success stories and compare my progress or lack of progress to the time frame in those situations but I know that every situation has a different time frame and every situations is different.
Wow - I love that quote about him crawling toward you and you knocking him over. That's an incredible revelation for him to be so aware of his feelings. It's such a great image too.
Two weeks seems like an eternity, but since the alternate path means no more H at all, it's well worth it. I think I'm going to aim for a month of no contact (H is extremely slow to process anything - you should see him decide what he'd like to drink with dinner... takes an eternity. Hmmm I should starting asking him what he wants for the entire meal- really make him commit to a decision. Oops, snarky comments about H are counterproductive - yet oddly entertaining)
That seems like you've made incredible progress then, since the fall. I know you aren't where you want to be, or where you imagined you'd be in the spring (who among us is?) but what a difference! You should be proud of this change.
No I don't think Wal-mart sells crystal balls. Darn it.
Thanks for cheering me up. I don't like Friday nights. My piano lessons used to be scheduled on Friday evenings, so on the Fridays my H was off he would go with me and then we would go out to dinner and maybe shopping or whatever afterwards. So I really seem to miss him on Friday nights. But it's ok. I worked my 12 hour shift, got a cheeseburger and some ice cream on the way home and now I'm having a pajama party of my own. I've had plenty of company of the four legged furry kind.
I am just reminded of how thankful I am for Jake, my golden retriever. My H and I brought him home when he was 8 weeks old, and he is almost 4 now. My husband moved out within the same week that my labrador retriever died. (I had both dogs together for a few years) Jake has really helped to fill the void that was left by both of them. You know how in DBing we are taught not to tell our spouses we love them. That was so hard for me, so I started saying it to Jake every night. Stupid, huh?
My situation -- I haven't seen my H in over a week. Well, since our unofficial "date" last Thursday. He has been at work most of that time. He called me when I was driving home from work and we talked for about an hour. Mainly about our jobs. I went into the convenience store while talking on the phone (rude I know, but I did). So I was standing in front of the junk food rack and I said to my H, "you have to help me make an important decision". He cautiously says "what". I said "cupcakes or Ho Hos? He started laughing, it was so good to hear . That was something that I missed for quite a while. I missed hearing him laugh. We used to just be stupid together and end up giggling and laughing.
I was thinking today, way back when, it was hard when he told me he didn't love me and that he loved her. But it hurt even worse when he told me "she" was his best friend. So it is good to have my friend back - well, somewhat back. The hard part is reading my limits. How much attention from me is good and how much starts to smother him. I know that right now I need to let him "lead".
So, my H family are coming in from out of town for a family reunion as they do each year. His parents and siblings have in the past stayed with us. His family is planning on staying with me and I welcome them and they know it. I'm trying to decide if I should just go ahead and take off the week that they are going to be here or not. I want to be able to be a good hostess but I don't want to interfere w/my husband's time w/his parents. He only sees them once or twice a year. They won't be coming until July, but I need to get my schedule requests to my manager in the near future.
Quote: So, my H family are coming in from out of town for a family reunion as they do each year. His parents and siblings have in the past stayed with us. His family is planning on staying with me and I welcome them and they know it. I'm trying to decide if I should just go ahead and take off the week that they are going to be here or not. I want to be able to be a good hostess but I don't want to interfere w/my husband's time w/his parents. He only sees them once or twice a year. They won't be coming until July, but I need to get my schedule requests to my manager in the near future.
Is this something you can ask him casually? Say something like "I plan on taking some time off to play hostess to your family. Do you think that's a good idea?" My thinking is not to leave it open ended but to phrase it so that he has to say yes or no. YOu can always mention it to him and let him know that you need to request the time off within the next week (or whatever time frame).
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I read the post you wrote on Kim's thread. I do have some thoughts but it will take me too long right now. I need to get some work done here at home. But I will get back to you.
Since I posted about being unsure of whether or not I should take off to be a good hostess to H family, I have been thinking about it. My MIL has expressed to me that she wants me to join them in the weeks activities. I told her that I wouldn't if my H didn't want me to, simply because he doesn't get to spend time with them very often. She understood but said she would be dissappointed. Well since I don't know where my H and I will be in reference to our situation, I think I'm going to go ahead and just take the week off. Then I can just go with whatever comes along. If we are at a point that he doesn't want me to be with them, then I'll make other plans. I'll fill my days up with projects that I have been promising my Mom I would do for her at her house. I can also see if my Gma needs anything done. That way I have some place that I can go if I need to. I think that will be a win-win solution.
Well time to get to work. I'll catch up on your thread this evening.......
I hate when I allow these waves of emotions to control me.
Last night my H starting IM me on the computer. One thing led to another and he offered to come over. So he did and once again we had sex. Here is the thing, we have been doing this for almost 3 months, just getting together for sex. And last night was very nice. He told me how I was so much more fun to be with (in bed) and how he enjoyed it so much more. I know that men have a different perspective on sex than woman, so can you men out there answer some questions for me?
1. Is it possible that my H is just using me for sex? Is that something that men do?
2. Should I continue to be open to him in this area? Is this a good thing that can bring us closer together - or is that just thinking about it like a woman?
Well then afterwards, he stays for a while and starts talking. He told me that he had been thinking about how he was planning to do several things to his new truck (bedliner, cover, etc.). He said that he came to the conclusion that it would be unfair to me for him to buy those things right now because I have been putting off things that I want. He used the example of the cosmetic dental work that I have been putting off. So I'm thinking, that's great, he's thinking about me and at least future financial plans. That's good, right?
And finally, how can I be open to him but still be detached enough to not miss him and to not have such a strong desire to be with him? Every good interaction between us leaves me craving more. And that leads to bad things -- I'm not going into the details -- but NY, I need a tongue lashing right about now.... The worst of it is, that the same advice I give others, I can't seem to practice myself........
Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much....then I wouldn't care and this wouldn't be so difficult........
I have called to make an appt w/one of the coaches....anyone care to share their experiences w/me?
I'm not a man - but reading Mars and Venus in the Bedroom opened my eyes to something I hadn't understood. Women need to feel closer to have sex, Men need to have sex to feel closer. Naturally this is a generalization, but when I asked my H about it (back when we had real talks) he agreed, and he's a very LD guy. I think that sex can be a real bonding experience, especially when it's going as well as it sounds like it is between you.
My advice would be to be unavailable for a lot of his booty calls. Make him chase. Obviously he really enjoys your sex life, and will seek you out. And then really let loose when you decide it's right.
Unfortunately, it is a bit of a chick thing that we feel vulnerable after sex and tend to seek reassurance and look to feel cherished. All very non-DBing. Anyway you can change the way your sessions end (180). Like if you two cuddle together, and your defenses come down then (as mine totally do) then have a short cuddle, then jump up and say "Wow - that made me hungry... I'm gonna go get us something!" And come back to bed with a smorgasbord of rich chocolate, nuts, fruit, bread (whatever you really like to indulge in - maybe one thing that he does, but make it for you) and have a silly naked picnic in bed.
That way you aren't killing the intimacy or joy of your experience by rushing off or asking him to leave so that you don't get confused. But you aren't lingering in that vulnerable state that our orgasms tend to leave us in.
Wow - this is making me really miss ML. My H rarely initiated, and now that he doesn't want me I feel like I might as well get fitted for a chastity belt. I wonder if he's afraid of the feelings that ML tends to awaken in men. Or if he's afraid of starting something and hurting me. Or if he's just truly not horny - like he says. Or if I'm wasting too much time wondering about him.
Is it possible that my H is just using me for sex?
It's possible.
Is that something that men do?
Some men.
Should I continue to be open to him in this area? Is this a good thing that can bring us closer together - or is that just thinking about it like a woman?
Sexual intimacy can bond. Having said that, I can't say what's going on in your sitch. Should you continue to be available to him sexually? Rough call for someone else to make. Maybe the answer is in the asking of "Are you two in it for different reasons"?
So I'm thinking, that's great, he's thinking about me and at least future financial plans. That's good, right?
Don't know. I've read lots of posts written by LBSs that are shocked when the bomb drops, reporting that their WAS just spent the last week figuring out plans to put an addition on the house, booking their annual vacation, in other words, doing things for their future.
how can I be open to him but still be detached enough to not miss him and to not have such a strong desire to be with him? Every good interaction between us leaves me craving more.
I think desire comes from dwelling on the object of the desire. Maybe seeing 'good interaction' as sufficient in itself and not make wanting more of it a part of what happens next? Modify that behavior by relishing the interaction for what it is, and not for what it may portend or what you wish it would lead to. Like appetite control. Instead of eating apple pie and saying, "Mmmm, that was good, I'd like more!", learn to feel instead, "Mmmm, that was good!"
NY, I need a tongue lashing right about now
Is that one of them there sexual things you do with your H? I don't want to know about it!
The worst of it is, that the same advice I give others, I can't seem to practice myself
You're not emotionally attached to everyone else's WAS. I sometimes have to concentrate real hard in order to advise myself what I'd advise myself were I someone else. It's a bit more difficult to get through all the intimate entanglements of being so close to the sitch. But if you can think it through, so that you know what you need to positively do (in other words, it's not just a reaction or doing something based on how you feel but rather intelligent thought was given based on DB principles in accordance with your major plan), then the next step is that you'll convince yourself that [whatever] is the thing you must do, and just do it. The more you do that, the easier it gets, like anything else. Keep your eyes on the prize.
My advice would be to be unavailable for a lot of his booty calls. Make him chase. Obviously he really enjoys your sex life, and will seek you out. And then really let loose when you decide it's right.
The problem is that I am the one initiating the "booty calls". I say things to him in conversation, sometimes pretty ornery things, and then he follows.
I guess I'm feeling down because I tend to be the one to initiate any time that we do spend together. I mean, at least he is now being somewhat receptive. However, I keep feeling that left up to him, we wouldn't be doing any of these things..............
I asked him today if we could spend the day together tomorrow. He said he didn't know, he might have to work. So I said ok, but if you don't have to work can we? He did make two suggestions of places we could go. But I'm starting to wonder if he is using the overtime at work as an excuse. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I'm thinking it's time to pull back, kind of like starting over at the beginning of the DB process. When I didn't initiate any contact or ask him to do anything.
In our talk today, I brought up the Friday evening that he sent me 20 text messages and called to talk for 45 min. after I had not called him for 2 weeks. He replied "yeah, because that allowed me to start coming back on my own". So yeah, that worked so I must do it again.
Errrrrrrrr, trial and error. I think I started to take a step forward too soon. So time to go back..... It feels harder this time because of the positives that have happened. But I can do it........
So no further contact. I will let him call me about tomorrow, if he chooses. If he doesn't, I will find something else to do.
. That was something that I missed for quite a while. I missed hearing him laugh. We used to just be stupid together and end up giggling and laughing.