Not much has happened since last Thursday and the unofficial "date" that husband and I had.
Monday evening he called to say he was working overtime again and wouldn't be "home". I think he wanted to talk for a while but I had to cut the phone call short because I was busy.
He called back on Tuesday evening. I asked him if he was bored and tired of being at work so many days in a row (he works 24 hours shifts). He said it was ok. I asked him how today (tuesday) was and he said it "wasn't too bad". Later that evening my friend called me and in the conversation she said that she had seen and talked to my husband that afternoon. So now I was confused, he was suppose to have been at work 60 miles away, not here in town where my friend talked to him.
-------------Before anyone tells me about how I shouldn't have expectations and I don't need to know where he is let me first say that this was not about expectations. This was about a breakdown in communication. ---------------
In the previous conversation with him I had asked the questions (how it been boring, etc) in the context that he was still at work. He had answered my questions as though I was asking them in general as he had been at work a total of 4 straight days (this day would have been his 5th). His reply to me reinforced that thought that he was still currently at work.
So this has a potential to become a bad situation and take him and I several steps back in our progress. But it didn't. It didn't because I have been learning things about myself and my husband. I have learned that it is not what I ask my husband or what I approach him about, it is how I do it. Alot of how he responds to me depends upon the tone of voice that I use. So I called and the first thing I said after I said hello was "We got cut off earlier, sorry about that". (We had indeed gotten cut off during our previous conversation because I had went through an area of poor cell service and I hadn't bother to call back yet.) Then I calmly and quietly asked him if he was at work. He replied "yes, I'm laying on my bed as we speak" So then I calmly and quietly asked him "so were you here in town today?". Then he proceeded to tell me that he was and why. And we had a nice little conversation but he had to go. So about an hour later he called me back and we talked for a little bit more, just friendly conversation. And all was good.
This phone call was a good thing for us in this particular situation. Reason being, I have learned one of my behaviors that pushed my husband away was that of making accusations and talking rudely to him. In this case, my husband and I were able to clear up a miscommunication wihtout any drama at all.
The process of reconciliation has several parts. The first is learning and following the principles of DBing. The second part is identifying our contributions to the decline of the relationship. The third part is making the changes to eliminate those behaviors. And the fourth part is making those changes permanent.
Learning how to clear up miscommunications with my husband calmly without argueing is an important step in making a new relationship with him work, if that is the direction this goes. I am realizing that one of the things keeping my husband from coming home is the fact that he is afraid that we will both fall back into our old ways. I know that I have to optimize every opportunity to show him changes. I do realize that if he decides to come home, I have to put just as much effort into making sure those changes stick permanently.
This change in how I interact with him is vital in making a new relationship with him work. It is very important to him and I'm sure he is going to need to see multiple examples of it before he feels comfortable enough to eliminate it as a reason not to come home.
