Yes, it is valid for others to think and do things differently from me. It is not valid for them to be rude and disrespectful of me and my time.
You're talking about boundaries now, not expectations.
We each have expectations of the other that if something comes up and one of us can't make it, we will call and let the other person know.
Yet, if for some reason she doesn't call to let you know she needs to cancel, what happens with your feelings? Again, this isn't so much an 'expectation' as it is a courtesy.
That is my responsibility as their nurse to meet those expectations. In turn, I have expectations of them... I expected my H to live up to his responsibilities as a H. I expected him to keep the promises that he made to me. He in turn expected the same from me.
In a relationship, be it a nurse/patient' or 'wife/husband' relationship, there are certain expectations, yes, in that we expect a certain amount of reciprocation of some kind and in that, having the things we need met. There are also boundaries wherein we will not tolerate abuse and disrespect.
Understand the difference however between these universal expectations contrasted with the specific expectations that people post about: he didn't call yesterday, she should've been friendlier, she didn't say "blah, blah", he didn't do this or that. Things that have to do with projecting one's imagined fantasy of an idealized relationship, what they feel should be said, done and how by the other. Imagine if in the nurse/patient relationship, the expectations were more like "The nurse should've attended to me first", "The nurse should smiled more at me to put me at ease", "the nurse didn't call when she said she would".
Eliminating expectations is not the answer to marital problems. Openly communicating expectations to each other, keeping those expectations reasonable, being honest w/each other when expectations are not being met, and being courteous and respectful of one another are needed to keep a marriage together.
Nothing is "the" answer to relationship problems. You're glossing over the very real consequences I've posted stemming from expectations. Communicating expectations is not the answer either. Expectations, I repeat, are a form of control, they are an idealization of a fantasy, they send the message that the partner is not loved for themselves.
I still think it is reasonable to expect my H to call at some point in time, whether before or after, if he has to cancel plans.
Let's say that what is reasonable is for your husband to call as a courtesy, but what is not needed is for you to expect him to do so.
I'll explain that. Yes, it is a mature, reasonable act for someone, as a courtesy, to inform the other as to the change in plans to meet up or whatever. However, should they fail to do so, this should not cause for us an emotional reaction stemming from an unrealized expectation on our part. They may have perfectly valid reasons why they didn't notify us in time. Or maybe, that's just the way they are. Yes, if this is an habitual behavior (not calling when canceling), then it needs to be addressed because it's crossing a boundary, as that's about a disrespect issue for someone else's time.
A responsible, prudent, tactful person does not need for another to expect him or her to act within a certain parameter, they just will. You don't need to have another person in order to act responsibly, right? If we presume to 'expect' of them, we are stamping ourselves, our thinking, our ways, on top of them. Since this is not needed, where does it come from? A need for things to be done by others according to our vision of the world.
Don't you see the next step people get into with their expectations? The courtesy call is made, for example, but not received well because it doesn't meet the expectation of the receiver: it comes too late, it's not the acceptable media, it doesn't have the right words being said, the apology was non-existent or insufficient, etc and etc. There can always, always be something where the expectation was not met. And, expectations will usually always not be met.
I think it is reasonable to expect him to call if he says he will, or e-mail if he says he will, etc. However, if he doesn't call, e-mail, etc. then it is reasonable of me to feel disappointed but to give him the benefit of the doubt that there is a good reason why he couldn't. It is not reasonable of me to get angry, emotional, upset, etc. Thus my responsibility is for my reaction to the disappointment. His responsibility was to live up to his word.
People don't always live up to their word. It's up to you if you wish to feel disappointed over something like that, and think that's reasonable. You're giving yourself justification to feel bad.
While it's OK to feel bad, I can tell you that, in absence of getting disappointed, to have no emotional feeling about not getting an email or call when promised is much more liberating than it is to even have any sense of disappointment over that kind of event. Save your feeling bad for those events that truly earn it.
It's also good practice, as one releases expectations in one are of life, as other areas are similarly affected. So, when I went out on a date over the weekend and she was half an hour late, oh yes she was, it didn't affect me. It tried to, but I wouldn't let it. I felt my old self saying all sorts of things in my head for a minute that had to do with resentment about someone being late and not calling, and I had to shuck it. Whatever her reasons were for being late, I don't know. When she showed up, I was all smiles. She apologized for being late, I nodded my head to let her know I heard her, and moved on. I didn't ask why she was late, I didn't ask why she didn't call, I reasoned that she was in traffic and had her reasons and it's not fodder for a topic of contention.
We had an excellent time together and hopefully we'll see more of each other. Had any negativity taken root in me, disappointment that she didn't call, frustration that I had been sitting there for half an hour waiting, resentment that I was on time, she wasn't, and I could've left later than I did to arrive there, it might have influenced or tainted some of what I said or did or how I behaved that evening. Instead, I had the most excellent time and her starting off the evening by being late was forgotten until this post, and certainly was not the highlight of my night. In fact, I doubt the highlight of my night would've been reached had I shown any negativity. The highlight was beyond my... ahem... expectations ;-)
