Although I believe that certain expectations are part of a happy healthy marriage

I completely agree. Reasonable expectations are part of every relationship whether it be between parent-child, siblings, friends, or husband-wife. Expectations are part of every human and non-human interaction. (As in my dog expecting food to be in her bowl at a certain time each day). And in the case of marriages, two people are sharing a life together and for that to succeed there have to be certain reasonable expectations met consistently.

I think it's important to define expectations better also. There is nothing wrong with expecting your S to show you love. The confusing part is when I expect to see love in time spent together and H shows it in words of affirmation.

Exactly. Reasonable expectations become a problem when we do not communicate to each other what we do expect. There are some basic expectations that are based on common courteousy. H will call if he is late. I will not spend the last dollars in the bank account on a purse when H needs to put gas in his truck to get to work. But then there are others that need to be communicated. H doesn't like to eat out and because I am a good cook he expects to have a home cooked meal several times a week. I like to spend quality time w/H, so I expect that we make time for each other each week. (These are real expectations that H and I had of each other that the other did not live up to. Clear communication would have went a long way to helping to make each others expectations reality). He was dissappointed when I didn't live up to his expectations and that dissappointment bred anger and discontentment. I don't think it is wrong of him at all to expect a nice meal at home. If that is something that is important to him, it is reasonable, and I have the ability to make it happen, then I as his wife have a responsibility to meet that expectation. And he in turn has the responsibility to meet my reasonable expectations.

I think that's the purpose of reducing or eliminating expectations during DBing - to open ourselves to see more clearly how our S's react to us and to pay attention to their signals without the "filter" of our expectations. By eliminating expectations we can be much more objective about our sitches which helps us react better.

I never thought of it this way. Yes, all that I have said about expectations in marriage goes out the window when one is in the situation that they are DBing. But I never thought of it as a way to "re-learn" my H and what it is he expects and how he can pleasantly surprise me when my idealistic expectations are eliminated.

Thanks Fearless for the input..........I hope you are running soon...........TJ