Of course, our own sense of what is idealistic, as I mentioned before, is sure to be met by failure from others, as they think differently than us, will act differently than us, and will do as they see fit, which is perfectly valid for them to do. Additionally, not even we ourselves will always act up to our own expectations, so how can we ever expect others to?
While I do agree with this if the expectations are unfair, I disagree if the expectations are fair. (see my previous post).
Yes, it is valid for others to think and do things differently from me. It is not valid for them to be rude and disrespectful of me and my time. For example, I have a really good friend, I'll call her Chloe. She and I spend alot of time together. We make plans and go out together frequently. We each have expectations of the other that if something comes up and one of us can't make it, we will call and let the other person know.
-----So there are two expectations there: Expectation #1. The expectation that we are going out somewhere. If she has to cancel, I am going to be dissappointed. I look forward to going out with her. But I won't be angry at her, even if the only reason is because she is tired. You know what, I haven't lived her life this week, she may very well be extremely tired and just need to have a relaxing evening at home. And that's fine, I'll find something else to do. Or I'll offer to do something nice for her based upon the circumstances of her cancelling. If there's a family emergency, I'll offer to take care of her dog. If she's exhausted, I'll offer to pick us up some take out and drop it off to her, etc...
Expectation #2. The expectation that if she does need to cancel our plans, she will call me and let me know that. That is just common courteousy. Then I'm not sitting somewhere waiting on her and wondering where she is. If I don't receive that call, yes I'm probably going to be angry.
The fact that I expect her to call to cancel and she doesn't has nothing to do with a power struggle in our friendship and everything to do with being respectful and courteous of the other person.
Another example:
My patients have a realistic expectation that I will give them a thorough assessment, administer the right medications at the right time, send them to the right tests, meet their needs as quickly as possible and provide them respectful, courteous care. That is my responsibility as their nurse to meet those expectations. In turn, I have expectations of them. It is their responsiblity to communicate their needs to me. It is their responsiblity to follow instructions that I give them. But I know that I have to keep my expectations reasonable. I can't expect a confused person to understand and follow my instructions. But I do expect those who know where they are and what they are doing to live up to their responsiblities.
Now I'll take this one step further. I expected my H to live up to his responsibilities as a H. I expected him to keep the promises that he made to me. He in turn expected the same from me. Was it too much to ask? No, not from either of us. But neither of us lived up to our responsibilities. So should I say that it shouldn't matter to him because he shouldn't have had expectations of me in the first place? And it shouldn't matter to me because I shouldn't have had expectations of him either?
No it should matter to both of us. Eliminating expectations is not the answer to marital problems. Openly communicating expectations to each other, keeping those expectations reasonable, being honest w/each other when expectations are not being met, and being courteous and respectful of one another are needed to keep a marriage together.
So I argue that reasonable expectations are simply met by others living up to their responsiblities.
On the other hand, unreasonable expectations are just that unreasonable. And those are the expectations that come from one transferring their responsibility to someone else. Those are the expectations that are a result of attempts to control the other person and those are the expectations that result in power struggles in relationships.
Now I'll take this even further. In the aspect of DBing - I do realize that expectations cause problems. And I understand that depending on where one is in the process of DBing it is necessary to eliminate all expectations. However, I still think it is reasonable to expect my H to call at some point in time, whether before or after, if he has to cancel plans. I think it is reasonable to expect him to call if he says he will, or e-mail if he says he will, etc. However, if he doesn't call, e-mail, etc. then it is reasonable of me to feel dissappointed but to give him the benefit of the doubt that there is a good reason why he couldn't. It is not reasonable of me to get angry, emotional, upset, etc. Thus my responsibility is for my reaction to the dissappointment. His responsiblity was to live up to his word.
Finally, about the expectations that I posted about in the first place. I know that I do have unreasonable expectations of my H right now. I also realize that I have had many unreasonable expectations of him through out our marriage. Those are the expectations that I need to eliminate. So I will be making a list of all unreasonable expectations so I can make a conscious effort to eliminate them.
NY - I look forward to hearing from you.... ........TJ
........TJ
