Today has been rough for me too - just kind of blue. I think I need to get back to work so I can keep busy. I looked at a lot of the inspirational threads here today. It's amazing but most of these success started off at least as bad as our sitches.
Hang in there
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I messed up again last night. Sometimes I just miss him so much and I then I get to feeling down.
So we ended up having a R talk last night. Summary:
Yes he is still communicating w/OW. He admitted to being at her house yesterday "for less than an hour". -- I am still trying to convince myself that this doesn't matter. That by improving myself and showing him the person he used to be with, he will want to come back without a doubt.
He told me that he does think about me.
He told me that some days he wholeheartedly wants to be with me and then some days he confused. --- That's a turn around from a few months ago when he told me he had days where he wholeheartedly did not want to be with me and then days he was confused.
He told me that he has days where he does miss me. -- I know this is a good thing but if it thats so then why not come home? I guess the bad days when he is confused have to diminish in frequency first.
He told me that he does care. He said "if I didn't care I wouldn't come here once a week and take care of the yard and I wouldn't have supported you for the 3 months you didn't work, when you needed some time off" -- I see his point. It's funny, in the past when I would use the example of him financially supporting me to back up my argument that he does still care, he told me I was reading into things too much.
He told me that he has started thinking about how I just want to spend time with him and go out and do fun things together. -- I do remember telling him that I just want to have fun. But I don't remember telling him that I want it to be with him.
He noticed my new haircut and highlights. He told me it looked good. -- It's good that he is noticing changes.
There has been a change in the dynamics between us - we are communicating without fighting. Even last night when I was emotional, we did not fight or argue. We both talked to each other calmly. My H almost never raised his voice at me prior to this sitch. During the worst months, all of our interactions ended in a shouting match. It's really good to see that change back to my real H. And it's been a behavior change for me. I have always raised my voice in arguments, through out the entire R. So to be very emotional but to keep my voice low and calm and to not get irrational and show anger is definately different for me.
So what do I need to work on:
1. My "Act as if" attitude 2. Taking one day at a time 3. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE! 4. No expectations
I think you did a good job with the conversation. My "theory" is that we make avoiding the R talk such a "Big DEAL" that when we do talk we end up backsliding and doing EVERTHING wrong. So even though you made one mistake I think it's more important that you held everything else together.
You got some great info from the conversation too. While I'm sure it's tempting to push a little harder, remember what actions have made him miss you and at least sometimes want to wholeheartedly be with you.
be the strong wonderful person you are and make him lean over that fence!!!!
So take your positives and let them give you more strength to avoid the R talks in the future but to know that if they do start you can handle them in DB fashion!!
Still can't run right now but I'll hold it together:)
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Thanks for the encouragement, Fearless. I imagine it's really rough for you not being able to run right now. I can't think of anything that you could use to replace running right now that would do the job of relieving stress and anxiety as well as running does for you.
Unfortunately, when I backslide, I really, really do it. Wednesday evening, I did the same thing, and again a R talk. It did not go as well as the previous one. He had alot more negative things to say, but I know it's because he felt backed into a corner.
Once again, I strayed from DBing because anxiety got the best of me. I was so sure it was anxiety about the sitch, but then I talked to my Mom. In that conversation w/her, I came to the conclusion that I was actually anxious about my job. I was working my first "real" shift and all the anxieties that have followed me through out my career came flooding back. But now, almost 24 hours later, I know that I was worried for nothing. My shift went fine, my preceptor is wonderful, I'm almost functioning independently w/the computer system, and I had alot of opportunities to learn the processes of this particular facility. So there was nothing to be anxious about.
I was on my way home from work and I was thinking about the conversation the Wed. evening w/H. So then I called him. I was cheerful and happy. I told him my first shift went well and I had my first paycheck from the couple of days of classroom orientation. He was ok with that. Then I asked him if I could buy him dinner to show my appreciation for his financial support the last several months. His reply was, "actually I am really hungry". He came to pick me up and I could feel some tension still there. After a while he seemed to warm up to me and he talked about his job and some of his co-workers, he asked me about my job, just benign subjects. We ate at a little family-owned italian restaurant. We had a pleasant dinner. He drove me home and came inside. Then one of us started w/playful push, then a little playful wrestling w/each other, then he leaned in and kissed me, then once again, . Sometimes I get mixed feelings about this, in terms of does it help the situation or does it just make things worse? Generally, I feel it is a good thing, but I don't want to be used either.
We parted on very good terms tonight. H did take a few minutes before leaving and cleaned out some boxes of items that had been in his old truck. One of these items was a card I had given him in the beginning, when this sitch started. Basically the message was that we were going through a rough time, but we could work through it and be better than ever together. He picked the card up and showed it to me, I thought he was going to throw it away, no, he stashed it somewhere in the front of his new truck. He has never been one to save cards, he has always read them and then trashed them. I know I'm not suppose to wonder about this but for some reason he felt compelled to keep it. It's just so unusual for him.
Sometimes I wonder if my H isn't having an early MLC. He expressed today his displeasure at turning 30 in a few months. He feels he hasn't really lived his life. If this is the case then I guess I need to find even more patience somewhere.
Well, I'll see how tomorrow and Saturday go. Til next time.......TJ
i have to make this quick but I wanted to say I think you had a great evening. Just be grateful and see how things go from here. Just keep taking care of yourself
I think I would just appreciate the closeness and kisses and not worry any more about it!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I do worry too much! I just hate not knowing where things are going. I know how I want my life to be and H is a very large part of that, in many ways.
I really enjoy the closeness w/him but it makes me miss him and want this to work even more!
I am finding it very difficult to detach when I'm getting "teased" with moments of affection and closeness followed by H pulling away.
But I need to remember how much better this is than a few months ago. 3 months ago, H hated me and I kept lashing out at him in anger. That's when he talked about D. I know I need to be thankful that he hasn't talked about it at all in a little over a month. Then when he did talk about it (end of March) it was to say that he wasn't 100% sure it was what he wanted.
Yeah, I do have a lot more to be thankful for than I realize. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of that!
Quote: My recommendation would be to try and have some lunch/dinner dates, movie dates, etc. lined up with some girlfriends. That way occasionally you will just be busy when he stops by or calls
Fearless suggested this to me a few weeks ago. I was reading back through the posts and found it. Anyway - H admitted to me Wednesday evening that he had called me a couple times to ask me to go to dinner but found out that I already had plans with my friend so he didn't ask.
He is so frustrating to me. He could have said so, and then him and I could have planned things for a different night.
His inconsistency is driving me crazy!!!!!!!
I want more than anything for him to ask me out on a date. I just miss him so much!!!!!!!
It's a saturday, he's off from work and so am I -- it's a waste of a perfect saturday afternoon........ he is just frustrating me sooooo much!
No, it's your expectations not being realized that are causing your frustration. Blame yourself, not H. Have no expectations and decide to live a life where you can be pleasantly surprised when good things happen instead of frustrated when things you'd like to have happen, don't.
Yes, I have expectations. I can't seem to be successful at eliminating them. I'm not at all saying I'm right to have them. I just don't know how to get rid of them.
Is this something that others have struggled with? How did you manage to successfully eliminate any expectations?
I think what I did was to realize that no one is going to always meet my expectations. That to live like that means always being disappointed therefore. That my expectations only reflect what I think and would say or do, and cannot reflect what someone may think, say or do. That to have expectations is a form of exerting control over others. That it's better to have no expectations and be pleasantly surprised when good things happen, rather than be disappointed and frustrated all the time.
Those were sufficient reasons for me to see the wisdom in letting it go.
. Sometimes I get mixed feelings about this, in terms of does it help the situation or does it just make things worse? Generally, I feel it is a good thing, but I don't want to be used either. 