Thanks for the encouragement, Fearless. I imagine it's really rough for you not being able to run right now. I can't think of anything that you could use to replace running right now that would do the job of relieving stress and anxiety as well as running does for you.

Unfortunately, when I backslide, I really, really do it. Wednesday evening, I did the same thing, and again a R talk. It did not go as well as the previous one. He had alot more negative things to say, but I know it's because he felt backed into a corner.

Once again, I strayed from DBing because anxiety got the best of me. I was so sure it was anxiety about the sitch, but then I talked to my Mom. In that conversation w/her, I came to the conclusion that I was actually anxious about my job. I was working my first "real" shift and all the anxieties that have followed me through out my career came flooding back. But now, almost 24 hours later, I know that I was worried for nothing. My shift went fine, my preceptor is wonderful, I'm almost functioning independently w/the computer system, and I had alot of opportunities to learn the processes of this particular facility. So there was nothing to be anxious about.

I was on my way home from work and I was thinking about the conversation the Wed. evening w/H. So then I called him. I was cheerful and happy. I told him my first shift went well and I had my first paycheck from the couple of days of classroom orientation. He was ok with that. Then I asked him if I could buy him dinner to show my appreciation for his financial support the last several months. His reply was, "actually I am really hungry". He came to pick me up and I could feel some tension still there. After a while he seemed to warm up to me and he talked about his job and some of his co-workers, he asked me about my job, just benign subjects. We ate at a little family-owned italian restaurant. We had a pleasant dinner. He drove me home and came inside. Then one of us started w/playful push, then a little playful wrestling w/each other, then he leaned in and kissed me, then once again, . Sometimes I get mixed feelings about this, in terms of does it help the situation or does it just make things worse? Generally, I feel it is a good thing, but I don't want to be used either.

We parted on very good terms tonight. H did take a few minutes before leaving and cleaned out some boxes of items that had been in his old truck. One of these items was a card I had given him in the beginning, when this sitch started. Basically the message was that we were going through a rough time, but we could work through it and be better than ever together. He picked the card up and showed it to me, I thought he was going to throw it away, no, he stashed it somewhere in the front of his new truck. He has never been one to save cards, he has always read them and then trashed them. I know I'm not suppose to wonder about this but for some reason he felt compelled to keep it. It's just so unusual for him.

Sometimes I wonder if my H isn't having an early MLC. He expressed today his displeasure at turning 30 in a few months. He feels he hasn't really lived his life. If this is the case then I guess I need to find even more patience somewhere.

Well, I'll see how tomorrow and Saturday go. Til next time.......TJ