I messed up again last night. Sometimes I just miss him so much and I then I get to feeling down.
So we ended up having a R talk last night. Summary:
Yes he is still communicating w/OW. He admitted to being at her house yesterday "for less than an hour". -- I am still trying to convince myself that this doesn't matter. That by improving myself and showing him the person he used to be with, he will want to come back without a doubt.
He told me that he does think about me.
He told me that some days he wholeheartedly wants to be with me and then some days he confused. --- That's a turn around from a few months ago when he told me he had days where he wholeheartedly did not want to be with me and then days he was confused.
He told me that he has days where he does miss me. -- I know this is a good thing but if it thats so then why not come home? I guess the bad days when he is confused have to diminish in frequency first.
He told me that he does care. He said "if I didn't care I wouldn't come here once a week and take care of the yard and I wouldn't have supported you for the 3 months you didn't work, when you needed some time off" -- I see his point. It's funny, in the past when I would use the example of him financially supporting me to back up my argument that he does still care, he told me I was reading into things too much.
He told me that he has started thinking about how I just want to spend time with him and go out and do fun things together. -- I do remember telling him that I just want to have fun. But I don't remember telling him that I want it to be with him.
He noticed my new haircut and highlights. He told me it looked good. -- It's good that he is noticing changes.
There has been a change in the dynamics between us - we are communicating without fighting. Even last night when I was emotional, we did not fight or argue. We both talked to each other calmly. My H almost never raised his voice at me prior to this sitch. During the worst months, all of our interactions ended in a shouting match. It's really good to see that change back to my real H. And it's been a behavior change for me. I have always raised my voice in arguments, through out the entire R. So to be very emotional but to keep my voice low and calm and to not get irrational and show anger is definately different for me.
So what do I need to work on:
1. My "Act as if" attitude 2. Taking one day at a time 3. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE! 4. No expectations
