No one was here, the dog just wanted back inside. He is such a couch potatoe.
I did go ahead and send H a text message asking if he had changed the door. He replied "no". (He seemed to think it was funny to mess with me). So I sent back - well, it must have changed itself because I didn't either. That's when he sent a message back admitting that he had done that and mowed the grass. So I thanked him and expressed my appreciation for helping out and left it at that. (There is a glimpse of my real H - teasing me and doing things for me without being asked)
So maybe he was just trying not to hurt my feelings w/the "I don't feel well excuse". I didn't push the issue when he declined. I just said, "that's no problem, sorry that you feel bad". And that is a behavior change for me. In the past when H has opted not to go with me somewhere or do something that I want him to do, I would get pouty and act like a child. This time, I opened the invitation, he declined and I shrugged it off as no problem.
I'm still struggling with the fact that he is off work and not spending time with me. I'm trying to tell myself enough times that I don't forget -- he needs this time, without pressure to sort out his feelings.
We had a conversation the other night. H told me several things. He told me he "still has good days and bad days". He told me that he has been trying to sort out his feelings but feels like he doesn't have anyone to talk to about them. And he told me that he hasn't been "completely successful at making a decision". My intuition says that although he is still on the fence, he is leaning towards me. Maybe it's wishful thinking, maybe I'm grabbing onto hope that's not there but that's how I feel. It is most important now for me to show him the real me, the me that has been hidden under layers of anger, frustration, sadness, insecurity, and anxiety for several years. The person he use to know and loved being with!
So why the setback a few days ago? As slowly told me - expectations. H has started taking steps towards me and I developed expectations. My goal this week is to eliminate expectations from anyone other than myself. Afterall, what more could I want from a WAS? He makes sure I have money, he mows the grass (his choosing, I didn't ask), when he calls he asks me how I am, he has started sharing his schedule w/me again (but I can't remember it and I haven't put the effort into writing it in my calendar) and he asks me about my schedule. I know that I need to be thankful for what I do have and stop wanting it all right now.
I am learning that progress happens at different rates of speed at different times. I just have to be patient and wait on it....... TJ
