Thanks Fearless for the support. And thank you NYS for the firm correction.
Remember too that no matter how bad your sitch seems, there are others out here that would consider it a step (or a couple of steps:)) above their sitches
I do realize this- that is when I'm being rational. The last two days I have not been very rational.
Yes I have been anxious. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. Not necessarily because of H and that situation. More so from the changes that I have been trying to make. I have so many things that I want to change and improve and I don't seem to make much progress in any direction. In the past H has been able to ease my anxiety by just listening and telling me all would be ok. So when I feel this way, I miss him even more. I know I have to learn to deal with feeling overwhelmed without him.
And you said it fearless, like you, I put too much pressure on myself. I see what I want to be but can't seem to take the small steps to get there.
Today is a new day. I must only remember yesterday and the day before to remind me of what I don't want to do.
Quote: I've been feeling overwhelmed lately...I have so many things that I want to change and improve and I don't seem to make much progress in any direction. In the past H has been able to ease my anxiety by just listening and telling me all would be ok... I see what I want to be but can't seem to take the small steps to get there.
Tessa, you need to rely more on yourself to not be anxious than on someone who may or may not continue to be with you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, keep in mind that you may be thinking of too much too soon too fast, and develop the habit of taking it one moment at a time. If we thought about all the meals we have to prepare this year, and all the grocery shopping that involves, and all the cooking, and all the planning, and all the cleanup, cooking dinner would be overwhelming. But we don't think like that. We think very short term, what it is we'd like to make for meals this day or this week and systematically do the shopping, cooking and cleaning, without thought to anything much more than that. And we handle it that way.
The "small steps" are the building blocks of new habits and behaviors. If for instance you wanted to work on not being quick tempered, try to visualize what an even tempered person would do when you're faced with that trigger to explode. Then do the same. Maybe it requires leaving the room and doing something else, or counting to ten. It certainly requires giving thought to where on the scale of things the importance of blowing your top on the matter is, and why that's so. This is just an example, I'm not saying you have a temperament problem. By doing those small steps over and over again, they become habitual and replace the bad habits.
So, in other words, concentrate more on small achievable, realistic, practical steps that combine to make the other small steps, rather than on the big ultimate change.
Quote: I have so many things that I want to change and improve and I don't seem to make much progress in any direction.
I know exactly how that feels!!! i used to overwhelm myself with long lists of all I wanted to accomplish (my mom was the same way:)) No matter what I accomplished it never seemed like enough because there was so much left on my list. I've focused on much smaller goals that will take me in the direction I want to go. I'm amazed at how different I feel right now compared to a year ago. I don't feel like I've had any sudden changes - it's all been small gradual changes that have added up. For me, just staying focused on small improvements has been the key.
As far as the anxiety. You need to find something that relieve the anxiety so you can feel more in control. For me, running is what I started doing. I just start on January 1. It had been almost 4 years since I ran before. For me it is a great anxiety reducer and I love it. The best thing for me is that a good long run will hold me for a couple of days! if running isn't your thing, there are lots of things that might work for you - experiment. I know it's tough but for your sake you need a way to control the anxiety.
hang in there. We'll figure our way through this mess and be even better people than we were before
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Whenever you feel overwhelmed, keep in mind that you may be thinking of too much too soon too fast, and develop the habit of taking it one moment at a time.
This is exactly what happens. I think of everything and I overwhelm myself and I don't do anything. This has been going on for several years and one of the problems for my M. No H likes coming home to chaos. And for a long time that is what faced my H when he walked in the door. I can't fault him for it at all as he tried very hard for quite some time and then just gave up.
This feeling of being overwhelmed starts w/my home and then spreads out from there. I keep thinking of all the things I need to do and I'm not looking around me to see how far I have come. My home is much, much cleaner. My overall attitute has improved. I've learned ways to deal w/my quick temper (wow, how did you know that) and I've been successful at implementing them. I'm generally happier than I have been in a long time. My circle of friends is growing. I'm going out almost every weekend w/friends. I've lost weight and bought a few new aricles of clothing. I've bought new makeup and wear it everyday. I ordered a new computer and a new internet service, as well as, connected the modem and wireless router by myself (sometimes I have difficulty getting the VCR to work). Wow, I have come along way from the person I used to be.
My Mom says I "short-change" myself and put myself down too much. And I know she's right. I set high standards for myself, standards so high that it is impossible to reach them. Then I think of all the ways I don't measure up to these standards and get overwhelmed and then anxious.
Wow, I started this DBing thing to get my H and M back, I didn't realize at that time that it would be about getting me back. The person that I liked being. The person that my H liked to be around. H once told his Mom that he just wanted the Tessa back that he fell in love with. I see now how important that statement was as it tells me exactly what he wants from me. So I think I may finally be getting it. This is not about whether or not my M works out. This is about me becoming a better person, one small step at a time.
You need to find something that relieve the anxiety so you can feel more in control. For me, running is what I started doing.
I have actually been thinking about running for quite awhile. I'm not in very good shape though, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere. I'd have to start out alternating between running and walking. My golden retriever is out of shape too, so him and I could build up our stamina together. It would do both of us good! Then it won't be so bad leaving him alone while I work 12 hour shifts.
I know that I do need to stay in control. H has taken steps towards me and I can't continue to let my emotions get out of control so that he runs in the opposite direction.
He did call me tonight. He actually called twice. The first time I was on the phone w/my friend and we agreed that I would call him back. He ended up calling me again, I guess I didn't call back soon enough. He asked me if I had gotten the flowers for tomorrow (Mother's Day, for my family). He told me he was dissappointed that he wouldn't be able to pick the hanging baskets out this year. My family has opted to eat out for Mother's day. I told H that and told him he was welcome to join us if he wanted to. He replied it depended on if he had to work overtime as his name was once again at the top of the list. (It's not an excuse, they have been having a staffing issue for awhile) I'm just going to leave it at that. If he doesn't have to work and wants to go, he knows how to call me.
7 weeks ago when I started DBing, I made it a rule not to initiate any contact w/H. Then he started contacting me and I relaxed that rule way too much. I'm going back to that rule. I'll give him space. He's admitted to missing me a few times, so I need to give him room to miss me more.
Tessa, You sound so much better. You've obviously done a lot of reflection and you're doing some great work on yourself. I've been trying to be more "self aware".
I pasted the Madatory Dos and Don'ts for DBing on my thread but I thought I'd put it here too for you and others on this forum.
MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Be patient. Time is an assest even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy 4. Learn quickly to backoff, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject
MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute neagatives because they are hurting and they are scared. 4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (see Dr. Suess for clarity) 5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Have a great day with your family
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Believe me, you are doing better than you think. I can see progress in the 7 weeks, and when you have a calm moment, I'm sure you can too. The problem is that anytime there is progress, our expectations escalate, and then we get into trouble. The only way I know how to control my own expectations is to live by mini-goals and baby steps
Quote: 7 weeks ago when I started DBing, I made it a rule not to initiate any contact w/H. Then he started contacting me and I relaxed that rule way too much. I'm going back to that rule. I'll give him space. He's admitted to missing me a few times, so I need to give him room to miss me more.
Oh yes, this will do it. And while you are at it, get some duct tape
Fearless, thanks for the reminders. The golden rules of DB.
However, at the risk of sounding dense, I do not understand what the green eggs and ham trap is. I'll have to go to the library and read the book.
Update --
H did not go to lunch w/me and my family. He didn't have to work but he said he wasn't feeling well and although he didn't mind going, he was just going to stay "home". I don't know if he was just being nice and trying not to hurt my feelings or not. I can greatly understand why he would be uncomfortable going. In past discussions that we have had, he has expressed his fear about facing my family. So everyone at once could be quite overwhelming.
However, I think he was here at the house while I was gone. That or I'm going crazy. The back storm door has mysteriously been switched from the solid glass insert to the screen insert. I am positive it was glass this morning.
No one was here, the dog just wanted back inside. He is such a couch potatoe.
I did go ahead and send H a text message asking if he had changed the door. He replied "no". (He seemed to think it was funny to mess with me). So I sent back - well, it must have changed itself because I didn't either. That's when he sent a message back admitting that he had done that and mowed the grass. So I thanked him and expressed my appreciation for helping out and left it at that. (There is a glimpse of my real H - teasing me and doing things for me without being asked)
So maybe he was just trying not to hurt my feelings w/the "I don't feel well excuse". I didn't push the issue when he declined. I just said, "that's no problem, sorry that you feel bad". And that is a behavior change for me. In the past when H has opted not to go with me somewhere or do something that I want him to do, I would get pouty and act like a child. This time, I opened the invitation, he declined and I shrugged it off as no problem.
I'm still struggling with the fact that he is off work and not spending time with me. I'm trying to tell myself enough times that I don't forget -- he needs this time, without pressure to sort out his feelings.
We had a conversation the other night. H told me several things. He told me he "still has good days and bad days". He told me that he has been trying to sort out his feelings but feels like he doesn't have anyone to talk to about them. And he told me that he hasn't been "completely successful at making a decision". My intuition says that although he is still on the fence, he is leaning towards me. Maybe it's wishful thinking, maybe I'm grabbing onto hope that's not there but that's how I feel. It is most important now for me to show him the real me, the me that has been hidden under layers of anger, frustration, sadness, insecurity, and anxiety for several years. The person he use to know and loved being with!
So why the setback a few days ago? As slowly told me - expectations. H has started taking steps towards me and I developed expectations. My goal this week is to eliminate expectations from anyone other than myself. Afterall, what more could I want from a WAS? He makes sure I have money, he mows the grass (his choosing, I didn't ask), when he calls he asks me how I am, he has started sharing his schedule w/me again (but I can't remember it and I haven't put the effort into writing it in my calendar) and he asks me about my schedule. I know that I need to be thankful for what I do have and stop wanting it all right now.
I am learning that progress happens at different rates of speed at different times. I just have to be patient and wait on it....... TJ
There is a glimpse of my real H... doing things for me without being asked
OK, now we have something else sussed out that you can add to your relationship tool belt. If you've read the "Five Love languages" by Gary Chapman, you'd recognize what your H is doing as categorized as "Acts of Service". By doing things for someone, this is perhaps how your H shows love. This is how he understands love. And if someone does the same for him, that is. do little acts of service for him, he takes that as being loving toward him, even if the giver doesn't feel that way about what they're doing. Get it?
So, this doesn't mean start planning three things a week you're going to do for him, but it does mean that in addition to everything else you know you have to do, keep an eye for those sometime opportunities where you can do something for him without it seeming forced or pursuing, and you very might well be putting additional love units into his love bank.
In the past when H has opted not to go with me somewhere or do something that I want him to do, I would get pouty and act like a child. This time, I opened the invitation, he declined and I shrugged it off as no problem.
Ah, doesn't that feel better too, grasshopper?
I am learning that progress happens at different rates of speed at different times.
That's so true. There's "slow" and "slower". Then there's "old man driving a car", followed by "snail crawl" and finally there's the speed most of us find in our sitches: "glaciers move faster than this".
