I'm afraid I messed up today. I have been feeling really sad since yesterday evening. I just miss my H so very much. I really wanted him to come home last night. I want that all the time, but last night the feeling was overwhelming. And it's still there today. I feel like he is moving on with his life and just tossing me aside like an old pair of shoes that he outgrew. Well unfortunately, I called him today. And I told him that I was getting tired of being patient and that I was tired of sharing him and that I was tired of being nice about the whole situation. He grabbed onto the part of the statement about "tired of being nice" and he replied - "Oh, so your tired of being nice". He told me over a month ago that he thought it was just an act. So now I just said something that verifies that in his mind. I also told him that if another offer comes along I may not turn it down. Sometimes I think that I do deserve better but then I do l love him and want to be with him.
So in this conversation, after I said how I was feeling, his response to me was "I know how you feel". Then he went on to tell me how he wanted to establish a friendship with me and he felt that we were indeed building a friendship. I validated that statement and said, yeah, we have to have some sort of friendship started because we're having this conversation and both of us are staying calm. He answered yes, it was good that we were talking and no one was getting upset or angry. So I ended the conversation by taking responsibility for my feelings and telling him it was my problem because I just wanted too much too fast. Then I thanked him for listening.
A little later I just wanted to hear his voice again. So I called him again. I thought he would have been irritated with me for calling a second time, but his voice had a very pleasant tone to it. His cell phone has caller id, so he knew it was me. In the past during our really awful months, I could here in his voice that he didn't want to talk to me just with the word hello. So I told him that I was sorry for the earlier call and I didn't want to ruin his day. He said "that's ok, your not ruining my day". I then told him, well I don't want to mess up anything good we have started. He replied, "well how about this, I'll tell you if your messing up". I told him he shouln't have to do that and he laughed a little bit. Then I did go on to clarify what I meant by nice in the earlier conversation. I told him that it wasn't that I was tired of being a nice person, as being a nice person was just getting back to being me but I was tired of being nice in regards to the situation that we were in. I know - it was still a bad thing to talk about. He did acknowledge that he understood. That was it, he ended the conversation quickly. He was at work and had a call to respond to (he's a firefighter).
So I don't know what to think. I know it's a good thing that he wants to establish a friendship first. And he did say that he felt we were doing just that. He also said that he felt things between us have improved alot. Which I agree with him. But he's still not home and I am pretty sure he's still communicating w/the OW. That's the part that really gets to me, why he would still communicate with her after admitting to me that he realized she was the reason for our current problems. (I know she is not what made my marriage begin to crumble but she is standing in the way of H committing to work on OR and coming back home). Sometimes, I'm just scared that he is never coming back.
So beings that he replied to my conversation with kindness and patience and didn't get angry and upset as he used too, could it be possible that I didn't mess up too bad? That maybe we have only taken a step or two backwards but we haven't taken a giant leap back?
