So I wasn't shining at my best every moment but I didn't slip back into the extreme that I used to be.
OK, don't take this personally, I'm not picking on you, but I see it on this board a lot and wish to reveal it for what it is, because it undermines us in a big way.
It's the way we tend to minimize our behavior and its consequences, and excuse it in ourselves. This is good stuff to know!!!
People excuse their behavior by first making an admission of not being perfect. Ever notice that? "Hey, I make my share of mistakes, but at least I didn't do anything as bad as what she did!" or "I'm far from perfect, I'll admit that! Yeah, I blew my top at him!"
The funny thing is, we minimize the very real consequences of our own behavior on others, but are prone to seeing the other person's behavior through a magnifying glass. We neglect to understand that the other person is doing the very same thing to us! They're thinking that their behavior's affect on us is negligible and not detrimental, while they see things we do as big bad doings.
So, while you're thinking "I wasn't as bad as I usually am", your partner may be thinking, "Heck, I know what I did wasn't right, but boy, that doesn't excuse her behavior last night by any means!".
That's just human dynamics at work.
So, the point is, rather than justify errant behavior by admitting it or comparing it, we have to delete it! That means not focusing on the second part of our excuses as we tend to do, the part that treats it as negligible:
"but I didn't slip back into the extreme that I used to be"
and focus instead on the first part, because that's really the important part that needs to be worked on:
NY - I'm telling on you if you don't stop picking on me
Alright - I'm just being silly. I don't think your picking on me at all. I like the fact that your putting your honest opinion out there. So thank you.
I see exactly what you are saying. I have to be my very best at every minute with him. And unfortunately this past week, I wasn't. I had a really good thing this week and I didn't make the very best of it that I could. I don't know when I might get the chance again - but I think I need to take the time between now and then and prepare for our next time together. H and I have come a long way in the last 4 weeks and I don't want to screw it up in any way.
Thank you for pointing this out to me. I do appreciate your input.
I was reading your thread from when you first started posting here about your sitch. I learned alot from advice you were given - so you helped me out in a round about way there too. So how are things going w/you and your W. I haven't found your more recent thread yet. But I'll keep looking.
I haven't really talked to H the last two days. He called me Friday - but I wasn't home and I was out of my cell phone service area. When I called him back later, he wasn't very talkative. He actually sounded tired so I just assumed it was because he hadn't gotten much sleep the past two nights and kept the call short.
We were suppose to go to a wedding today but he has to work overtime - he has no choice (this part of the job sucks). Again, we had a very brief phone call today. There was a lot of silence. I did ask him about himself - How was his day, Was he busy - and I asked him about the new truck (he was like a kid with a new toy the night he bought it). But he just wasn't talkative and that does bother me.
When H and I have a good time together, like we did both Wed. and Thurs., I seem to get even more impatient as I just want him to come home and be my H again. But I know - patience, patience and more patience.
These are some of the things that H has said or done in the past week that make me think positively:
I asked him if he was still thinking about divorce (I know very, very BAD of me - won't do it again). He replied "Not lately".
He told me that he was "trying to build a friendship with me so that we became best friends instead of him being best friends with someone else.
He told me that he thought he was slowly allowing history to repeat itself --- I find this statement ironic. 10 years ago at this time, I wanted nothing to do with him. My cousin, who was & is friends w/H kept saying to me, I know this nice guy that you should go out with. I kept saying no, no, no, but my cousin was persistent. So finally, around June, my cousin again said to me, I know this nice guy you should go out with - and I finally said, ok fine, if he wants to go out with me, I'll go out with him. Well it was about another month before H asked me out (which was July). So when H was talking about history repeating itself it was about how we started dating and became friends, fell in love and so on..... It's ironic to me because 10 years ago he wanted to be with me but I didn't want to be with him and now the tables are turned. My feelings changed then so his can change for the better now, cant they?
I asked H if he wanted to begin splitting up the financial aspect of things since I would be getting paychecks again. He replied, let's give it a month or two before we decide.
H offered to put both our names on the title of the truck he just bought. I told him i thought it best if we didn't due to the situation. He said ok and then said. "if we ever get on the same page at the same time, then I can add your name to the title". It's not a big deal to me, I don't understand why it would be to him.
He gave me the spare key to the new truck. Now I know he can take it back at any time but why would he give it to me in the first place?
From the time he came home from being out of town he referred several times to "something" he wasn't going to tell me about. Driving home Thursday evening he said, "I wasn't going to tell you about this but I think I am". I replied, don't tell me if you don't feel you should. He said "No, I want to tell you. On the Saturday coming back from Indianapolis, when I sent you a text message and you didn't reply in the time I thought you should have, I realized then that I did miss you."
He has taken the initiative to come to the house and do the yard work the last two weeks. I had asked him to show me how to use the weedeater and to just go over the mowing with me. We have a lot of rocks sticking up out of the ground and I wanted to know what setting he has the blades at so he doesn't hit the rocks. He just jumped in and did everything. When he was finished I asked him when he was going to show me everything - he replied, don't worry about it, I have a feeling I'll just be coming back to take care of it once a week. I'm actually relieved because the kitchen project is taking a lot longer than what I had anticipated and I need my spare time right now to get it done.
This week I have not done my best. I know the things that I did wrong.
Talking about myself and my feelings too much.
Asking questions like "are you still thinking about divorce" and asking questions about what he wants to do with the finances.
Finding new CDs in his truck and asking him if they were his valentine's present
Crying when he told me my opinion was important to him (regarding the new truck).
Once while we were together I got an overwhelming feeling of love for him and I guess I was looking at him funny because he looked at me and said "what's wrong". I said "nothing, I just want to say something but I can't". He replied "I know what you want to say". Then we let the subject drop.
Asking him to wait a few minutes when he was ready to leave.
Talking about my job and my feelings about my career.
Telling the salesman in front of H that he would never convince me to buy a white vehicle (OW drives a white car). Actually I've never been a fan of white vehicles as I like to have more color in my life, I just didn't realize the connotation my statement had until after I said it.
I know I did those things wrong and I know I need to make sure I don't repeat them. Then there are a couple things that I did, and I'm not sure if they were the right thing to do or not.
I sent him an e-greeting thank you card after he mowed the grass. It was cheesy, but cute and it just thanked him for mowing the grass. I signed it with the just the word "me".
I took care of getting a wedding gift for our friends because he forgot about it - Am I being too easy by doing this for him?
I called him on an evening I knew he got home from work late and asked him if he wanted me to bring him something to eat.
I sent him an e-mail telling him that I thought his new truck was awesome and that I was really happy for him as I wanted him to have nice things. Then I joked that yes I was a little bit jealous as he got to drive a big awesome truck and I was stuck with a stratus. I followed that with "need i say more" and a smiley. I'm sure he will laugh at that.
So I guess, are my actions of offering to do nice things and sending thank-yous and e-mails like I described good or bad? On one hand they could be looked at as a 180 for me as I had stopped doing those things several years ago. Or are these actions more pursueing him than they are being nice?
I know H is still in contact w/OW. Is it naive of me to put hope into those things that I feel are positives if he is still having a relationship w/her? Do WAS who have an A go through a period of time when they are still having a relationship w/the OP but they are having a change of heart towards their spouse and seriously considering returning home? Or is my H just telling me what he thinks I want to hear so he can be my friend and continue a relationship w/her as well. I have heard it several times (from non-DBing people) that H is not going to come home when he can "have his cake and eat it too".
I know - patience!!!!!!!!!!! It has never been a strong area for me - never.......
Honest opinions and observations appreciated......TJ
Quote: He called me Friday - but I wasn't home and I was out of my cell phone service area. When I called him back later, he wasn't very talkative. He actually sounded tired so I just assumed it was because he hadn't gotten much sleep the past two nights and kept the call short.
Excellent that you were unavailable, and better yet that you were able to keep the call short
Quote: There was a lot of silence. I did ask him about himself - How was his day, Was he busy - and I asked him about the new truck (he was like a kid with a new toy the night he bought it). But he just wasn't talkative and that does bother me.
I'm currently re-reading the Mars/Venus book, and it helps so much with understanding these infernal silences. TJ, the book may be a worthwhile investment.
He told me that he was "trying to build a friendship with me so that we became best friends instead of him being best friends with someone else.
Wow. What could be better? A great friendship is better than a failed marriage. And great friendships can spring into great relationships. Work on that friendship with him. Be his friend.
So when H was talking about history repeating itself it was about how we started dating and became friends, fell in love and so on
Wow, again. Reminiscing over what made one fall in love with the other is a way that love can be rekindled.
He gave me the spare key to the new truck. Now I know he can take it back at any time but why would he give it to me in the first place?
Don't analyze. Instead, deal with results and outcomes. In this case, the outcome is that he gave you the keys. It is what it is. Accept that and keep going.
He said "No, I want to tell you. On the Saturday coming back from Indianapolis, when I sent you a text message and you didn't reply in the time I thought you should have, I realized then that I did miss you."
There's a clue to keep up the not replying in time in order to keep him missing you.
This week I have not done my best. I know the things that I did wrong.
OMG, good for you! Get rid of the things you did wrong. Good that you keep tabs on it and don't want to repeat it.
I sent him an e-greeting thank you card after he mowed the grass. It was cheesy, but cute and it just thanked him for mowing the grass. I signed it with the just the word "me".
Not romantic, not sentimental, just a straight, cute thank you with no embellishment. That's fine.
I took care of getting a wedding gift for our friends because he forgot about it - Am I being too easy by doing this for him?
He's a grown boy. If he forgets something he shouldn't, that's his responsibility, not yours.
I called him on an evening I knew he got home from work late and asked him if he wanted me to bring him something to eat.
What's the harm in that?
I sent him an e-mail telling him that I thought his new truck was awesome and that I was really happy for him as I wanted him to have nice things. Then I joked that yes I was a little bit jealous as he got to drive a big awesome truck and I was stuck with a stratus. I followed that with "need i say more" and a smiley. I'm sure he will laugh at that.
Nice. friendly. Humorous. It's not whiny, it's not about the relationship, so, what's wrong with that?
I know H is still in contact w/OW. Is it naive of me to put hope into those things that I feel are positives if he is still having a relationship w/her?
That relationship is going to go on for as long as it does and there's nothing to be done about it. That shouldn't stop you from doing what you're doing, and certainly, if he's showing positive steps, then there's seemingly a move toward you, isn't there? Don't expect big major changes. Little changes are the reality.
Do WAS who have an A go through a period of time when they are still having a relationship w/the OP but they are having a change of heart towards their spouse and seriously considering returning home?
Oh, I just answered that, didn't I? You'll be the last to know after he's made his decision.
Or is my H just telling me what he thinks I want to hear so he can be my friend and continue a relationship w/her as well.
Time will tell. Watch and see if the positive steps continue.
I have heard it several times (from non-DBing people) that H is not going to come home when he can "have his cake and eat it too".
Slowly - thanks for the encouragement. I think my Mom has a copy of that book. I'll check it out and see.
NY - thank you for the input. Sometimes I forget that this is a slow process and it needs to be that way. At one point in time I told H that I couldn't be his friend if I wasn't his wife (that was before I read DR). Now I do see the importance of re-building a friendship first, then let the relationship follow if it is to be. You have a lot of insight, thank you for sharing.
Update --
I have been away all day. My best girlfriend and I went out and had a blast. A person can't help but have a good time when they are with her. H called this morning, I heard the phone ring but I was too comfortable snuggled up w/my cat to get out of bed and answer it. I was pretty sure that it was him. I didn't call him back - I'm proud of myself for that. So about 15 minutes after he called he sent me a text message telling me to have fun today and that he would call me later this evening. I didn't reply. So then this evening he sent me a text message again but because of the unreliable service I didn't get it until 2 hours after he sent it. I did reply to that one. Then later, he called me. My friend was actually holding my phone so she saw it was H and answered it. She told him we had just stopped at another bar. (She was drinking and I was driving). This whole thing of me going out, particularly to bars is very new. I never did it before. I'm not a big fan of drinking but I go to have a good time laughing at the drunks and I make sure my friend gets home safely. I think this new activity has gotten H attention. He's been asking questions - like where are you, where did you go, are you staying out late, etc... and he never did that before. Then I ended the conversation with him before he had a chance to end it with me - I told him I had to go, my friends were looking for me.
My biggest problem that is hindering my DBing efforts right now is my big mouth. I open it and speak before I think. I need to filter what comes out of my mouth 100% of the time. Right now I'm only managing about 80% of the time. That's not good enough.
I will double my efforts this week at stopping and thinking before saying or doing anything. I must ask myself - If I do this, will it help my efforts or hinder my efforts?
Thanks again everyone....Time for bed....My first day of my new job is tomorrow.....................TJ
You're doing some great journaling and great work! I know exactly what you mean about talking too much because I have the same problem! Good luck on holding back. I'm working on being more "mysterious" myself. Let him drag things out of me if he is really interested:)
I hope your first day at the new job was good:)
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Yes, my first day was a good day. Actually the first 5 days are 100% stress-free days. Hospital orientation today and tomorrow, CPR renewal on Wed, computer training on Thursday and Nursing services orientatin on Monday. The worst for me will probably be the computer training - I always seem to get ahead of the instructor. And I found out in previous experience that they don't like that .
Anyway, I'm happy to be going back to work. There are two major things I want to do differently at this job. #1 - always stay positive and confident - no matter how much sh-i mean, stuff is hitting the fan and #2 be more outgoing with co-workers. I am determined not to let anything get me down. That was unfortunately one of the problems in my marriage - I let my job stress me out too much and I brought it home with me. Yeah, healthcare is a stressful career but I've learned I can make it better or worse just by my attitude.
That's the cool thing about my life right now. See 6-8 months ago I felt like everything was falling apart. I hated being a nurse as I felt like everyone had sucked me dry and I had nothing left to give. I felt my husband pulling away from me for several months before I he told me about OW. And I wanted children but it hadn't happened in 4 years of not preventing. So I felt then like everything was falling apart. And things did get worse for quite a while. But now I feel like that fog is lifting. I'm starting to get my career back together with a much needed attitude adjustment. The job I started today will give me varietly and opportunities to try new areas in the hospital. And at the very least I'm re-building my friendship w/H. And I'm looking into things that have interested me in the past that I didn't take the time to get involved in. So all-in-all it's looking up.
There are still some downsides. For one, I'm still not detached as much as I need to be. On the way home from work I sent H a text message and it's was ornery w/certain connotations to it. He did respond but he didn't seem as interested as I thought he would. So when I got home I checked the board here and started a new post. While I was typing I started getting sad. Since today was a tad boring I found myself daydreaming alot about H. So I was reflecting on that and realizing how much I missed him. How I'm thankful he is showing interest in being my friend but yet I still miss having the relationship that I want to have with him. So I was typing all of this and I was crying a little bit. Well guess who just shows up - H. Totally caught me off guard because I didn't even hear him pull up out front. My "wonderful watchdog" didn't even bark. H was in the house before I knew it. So I turned the computer off quickly because I don't want him to see this message board yet. In time, if all goes well, I may show it to him. But not yet.
So the last thing that I want to do in front of him is cry - but he caught me off-guard. He wanted to know why I was crying - but I told him it was nothing and he let the subject drop.
Thankfully he was only here for about an hour. Don't get me wrong, I love to spend time with him. But I'm finding that I need to prepare myself first. My goal is to filter 100% of what comes out of my mouth. I don't meet that goal when I'm not prepared. And the longer he would be here, the more opportunity my big mouth has to do damage.
We are suppose to spend some time together Wednesday evening wich will be ok because I have time to prepare myself for it. I just do not want to scare him off by saying the wrong thing!
Thanks everyone for listening. I will check in on your threads, if not later this evening, then tomorrow evening. Right now, there is a paint brush calling my name.........Or is that bavarian ham pretzel melt calling louder...........Ok, I can eat first, then paint.......
We sound so much alike! I had a lot of stress from my job too. Over a year ago I started changing a lot of my attitude and was doing much better. My job still wasn't great but I wasn't letting it stress me like I had been. It's amazing how much control we have when we take responsibility for our emotions.
I also know exactly what you mean about the sadness. For me it's the one emotion I haven't figured out. The main thing I try to do is just tell myself it's okay to be sad but not to let the sadness control my life - still go running, talk to friends, and not let it snowball into anything more.
As far as sharing this message board - I don't think that's necessary. YOu might want to read thesane1's thread. She and her H are back together - for over a year:) - and she still hasn't told him about the message board. But that's up to you.
have a great week. Keep up the good DBing:)
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
It's not a big deal to me, I don't understand why it would be to him. 
.