I'm having doubts again. Things were looking positive for my sitch. But I just saw the call detail on the cell phone bill and he's still calling the OW. I can't stand the thought of that. I am so angry right now. How long is this going to take? When is this going to stop? He can't keep going on talking to both of us. Two weeks ago he was out of town. He called her every night - he could only manage one phone call to me. He didn't call me when he got back but he called her.
What about all that stuff he just told me a few days ago. He has been on the fence from the beginning. He knows he can't have us both. The thing that really steams me is that she knows that he doesn't know what he wants. So why doesn't she take herself out of the picture. Wouldn't that be the respectable thing to do?
I have been trying so hard to let go of the anger, hurt, frustration and all the negative feelings that this brings to me. I thought I was doing well. But now all the doubts and fears are back. And it hurts so much. Sometimes I think that it's not even worth the effort. There is no way that this woman is ever going to be completely out of our lives. I should not have to be competing with her. Sometimes I feel like saying to him, "fine, just go, be with your skank and I'll find someone better as there is no way that I can deal with her for the rest of my life". She is a manipulative person and I can see that say my H would completely break it off and come back home and work on our marriage. 6 months, maybe a year into it, we or he run into her socially somewhere and this nightmare starts all over again. She does not respect the boundaries of marriage at all.
I so want to ask him what in the world is he doing. I want to throw that cell phone bill in his face and say - your not making any changes. He's asked me to turn my life completely upside down and all I've ever asked from him was to stay away from her. He has asked so much of me in the last 6 months - and he has no idea how awful this whole thing has made me feel. If he cared he wouldn't be doing this. So why would he act like he cared and is concerned about me to my face and continue to talk to her behind my back. It doesn't do much to build the trust factor.
Ok, ok, I do need to re-focus. Yes I want to confront him but I do know it won't help anything. I'm just tired of being without him, I'm tired of putting parts of my life on hold because of him, I'm tired of not knowing, and I'm tired of being scared. At times like these I just feel like the hold this woman has on him will never go away.
I am doing things to GAL and build my PMA but I'm not 100% there yet. I know that I have the ability to make it on my own financially. I know that although my house is old and in need of repairs I have the resources within my family to help me with that. I know that I don't need my H to make it in life. But I really do want him to be a part of my life as a H. When I start to doubt that what I'm doing (DBing) is going to make a difference, I get scared.
