Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone.

Scottisheart, Sherry, and cally -- Thank you for dropping in. I'm deeply grateful and appreciative for your thoughts and concerns. I know there's not too many here who feel that they know what to say about this sitch I'm in, but just the fact that people stop by to show their care and concern means the world to me. Thank you again.

JV......I am glad you got out there and had fun!! You deserve it.

Me too!!! I REALLY needed it! Yesterday the boys, MIL, and I went to the annual festival, and we had a BLAST ! The boys really had a great time and that makes me so happy !

I would do just as you said and NOT call him while he's gone. I would just keep giving him space. If he asks because he notices you asre being distant then tell him your tired of this roller coaster ride. Let him know your giving him space to sort out whatever he needs to sort out in his head.

I agree. I grabbed my copy of DR last night and read the section "Dealing with a Depressed Spouse". I need to stop doing what I've been doing. I need to stop trying to talk H into getting better and just GAL of my own. I need to praise H when he does positive things (when he's in a good mood), and I can't make any references as to H being "depressed". Instead I should use "moody" or "down in the dumps". And yes, if he were to ask "why aren't you on me about this anymore?", it would be ok for me to tell him that I've decided to stop pushing him to change and/or get better. So I will do this from now on and we'll see how it all goes.

Maybe you could tell him to get back to you when he finally knows what he wants without any doubt what so ever??

Hmmm.....I'm really not sure about that. H could possibly perceive this as me pressuring him again for a decision.

While reading the depression section last night, it hit a lot of notes with me. I'm taking a stab here -- basically when H is "moody", and he brings up wishing that I would leave him, it's most likely because, yes, he IS depressed, and when he's like this, he is thinking of only the bad things that have gone on in his life. When H thinks of the stuff he considers to be bad and I was involved with it somehow, this is where the blaming comes in. When playing the blame game, he can't see how he played a role in it, too. IOW, H's way of thinking has become very distorted.

So like I wrote above, I have to back off and leave him alone when he's moody, and when he's not, praise him for the good thing(s) he may have done on that day.

You are trying to help him and be strong in dealing with him so out there. But this also has to be taking a toll on you.

Yes it sure has. This is why it's so important for me to get back to GAL. When H is home, many times I find myself waiting to hear, "JV, why don't you go out and do something for yourself and I'll watch the boys." But it doesn't happen -- it used to several years back, but when H took on this last job, it stopped because he's never here. When he is here, he's still so busy running around doing things.

If he says his time back home will be spent with the boys tell him great! Just try to distance yourself as much as possible. Maybe you could even arrange for you to take a weekend alone with just yourself.

A weekend alone by MYSELF??!! Is that even possible??!! I think the closest I'll ever be to that is in my dreams !

I'm only kidding ! Sometimes my parents will take the boys for the weekend even with H away on business. It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, I "veg" out for half a day (hey! I deserve it since I'm running around like crazy everyday with 3 boys ), and I go do things I enjoy the rest of the time. Mostly shopping or even just window-shopping. Very relaxing for me.

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Well, H should be back some time today.

Like I said, the boys, MIL, and I had a fun time at the festival. After that, we went back to MIL's place for a barbecue (yum! ). SIL and H's grandparents were there also.

We got home around 6pm, and the phone rang right when we walked in. It was H, and he was "moody". He only made 1 sale for the day .

We chatted for a bit then H said, "(long pause).....I just want everything to be right." I said in a matter-of-fact tone, "So do I." Kind of a 180 (???) on my part seeing how I would usually tell H I was sorry he was feeling down again. Well I think he was stunned by this (maybe, maybe not). After that he said, "Why does your voice sound weird?" I said, "Weird?" H said this like he was worried. About what? I don't know. Maybe my matter-of-fact tone had him think that I'm getting tired of all that's going on ( )?

Anyhow, the baby started fussing, so I told H I had to go. H said "ILY", and I said "ILY, too" with that same matter-of-fact tone.

I'd like to take the boys to the zoo this weekend. We haven't gone in a few years, and I know they use to really enjoy this. I'm going to see if my parents will watch the baby (it would be too long of a day for him to be out there especially in the heat), and I'll tell H he's welcome to join us and again leave it at that.

Oh! BTW, when I told H that we went to Fiesta Days (the festival), he said, "You did?... Is it still going to be there?" I told him yesterday was the last day for it. Then H said, "Really?....We'll have to go next year." That sounds like a positive to me.

Thanks for listening.

JV

PS -- Scottisheart, if you're reading this, I read your post to my reply on your thread, and I will respond later tonight, ok? It's almost time for S5 to get out of kindergarten.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.