Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sage. Thanks for dropping in.

I have asked H before why he feels this way, and his answer is always he thinks I could do better. I've told him a number of times that I don't see anything wrong with him or my life, that I have everything I've ever wanted -- a family, a home, etc, and most of all him. In the past, we used to often tell each other we believed we were soulmates, that we felt we were made for each other, that we couldn't imagine our lives without one another.

I always feel like there IS something else he wants to tell me when he gets this way, but I don't push for it.

Am I ASSuming there is something else? Or is it just the guilt? Does he think I should leave him because he's still keeping something from me? Could he still be talking to OW? OR could he still think about OW? Or does he find himself tempted to "stray" again? Or does he just not love me like he used to and he's afraid to say so?........I know, I know. Too many thoughts.

------------------------------

Well, H ended up passing out around 6 or 7pm last night. At about 11pm, I woke him up to see if he would move his car or I would do it for him; it was parked halfway in the garage, and I wanted to shut it. H got up and said he would move it.

Before he did, H said he was hungry and felt like having a shrimp burrito from a locally-owned mexican restaurant open 24 hours. He asked if I wanted anything, and I said no thanks.

When he got back, H sat down and said, "I'm sorry for being such an a**hole earlier. It's just that I was talking to (boss) before I got here, and I was fed up with his BS so I felt like drinking. I bought a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades and downed those before I got home, then I bought that tall can you saw me drink. I'm sorry. I just felt like drinking." I said, "If you want have a few drinks, I'm fine with that, but I would prefer you do it here instead of while you're on the road." H said, "You're right. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry." That was basically all that was said.

We watched a PayPerView movie, and after H finished eating, he laid his head on me. He rubbed my arms and legs a few times. I think I kind of patted his back once. I just didn't have much affection in me last night. At one point, H laid across the couch and asked me to lay with him. I did and we spooned. He kept rubbing his feet against mine. I only rubbed his arm a couple of times. Sorry, I just wasn't feeling it.

Later when we went to bed, H was being playful, but it was getting on my nerves although I didn't show it to him. I acted playful in return, we laughed a few times, then went to sleep. Actually I went to sleep first. I think H wanted more than playing, but it wasn't going to happen -- not for me.

This morning, H said he wanted to change in the boys' loose change. They've got about $400 in their coin jar. H said he's going to put in their savings. Before anyone has concerns, he WILL do this, ok?

I was talking on the phone with MIL. While she's talking to me and I'm listening, H comes up and starts asking me questions at the same time. I put my hand up to gesture "wait a sec" because I was trying to hear MIL, but he kept pushing, and I finally said, "Can you please wait til I'm off the phone?! I can't listen to 2 people at once!" H stormed off saying, "Don't talk to me like that!"

After that, H was getting ready to leave to pick up (bf) to ride with him while cashing in the boys' change. As he was leaving, H said "ILY" and I said alright.

He just called to tell me that after he cashes in, he's going to get a fuse replaced in his car for the antenna. He said it's stuck or something. He said he wanted to let me know so I'm not wondering why he's taking longer than he should. Now H is ASSuming . I really don't care if he's gone all day. It wouldn't be anything new.

I'm tempted to ask H again if he still thinks I should leave him.....I just want a break from all of this for more than a couple of days at a time.

Thanks for listening.

JV